So, I got back here Wednesday evening around 4pm or so. I spent most of Wednesday, Thursday and today kind of hiding out. I stayed in my room, slept a lot, listened to my "break up" CD (Ugly Kid Joe) and basically licked my wounds.

And then I went to dinner tonight at the Lightship restaurant which overlooks the Pacific in all its glory.

I was surprised. The ocean didn't hold me in its thrall. I wasn't bound to it. I didn't 'need' it anymore. That got me to thinking. If I don't have to be here... if I am not bound to this place anymore... who's to say I can't move somewhere else? Who has the right to tell me I can't go away if I don't need to be here anymore? No body!

So, that got me to thinking about what I want. Where do I want to be, what do I want to do and who do I want to have with me - if anyone?

So, I pondered that for a while. I thoght about the various things Mom said throughout dinner, but I don't really know that I was paying enough attention to remember what she said. I was mostly embroiled in my own thoughts... still a touch pensive... defended. I was inside my shell.

As I drove home, I passed the church where I sing with the worship team every week. The sign said, "There is One who loves you." or something similar to that. And I just tilted my head and said, "Yeah. I know You love me." But, it really wasn't until that point that I was willing to accept that God did still love me (and always will). I had been so wrapped up in my melodramatic wound licking (hiding) that I wasn't paying attention to anyone or anything else.

So, as I was making the rest of the drive to the house, a peace settled over me, just filled me from the ends of my hair to the tips of my toes. I know what I want. I know what I want to do.

I'm not done. Mr. Fixer may have sent me home, and whatever his reasons were, they're his reasons. But, I'm not done. I don't think the relationship has to be over. I don't think I have to stay away from Mr. Fixer's town. In fact, I'm telling God what I want. Within His will, I want to see just how far Mr. Fixer and I can go... how real the relationship is...

So, I will seek employment, apartment, schooling in Mr. Fixer's town. I've put in my "order" so to speak, and it's up to the Big Guy to open the doors.

The beach is no longer home. I really didn't ever think I would get to a point in my life where the beach wasn't going to be home... but... I look at it and realize... I don't need to be here anymore. Not just that, but, I don't WANT to be here anymore. I want to be in Mr. Fixer's town. I want my own place. I want education lined up. I want employment.

*laughs at herself*

I can't believe this... I really want this kind of change. Whatever happens between Mr. Fixer and myself... I want to give every opportunity for the relationship to work out. If he's really and truly done, then so be it, but I don't think he's done any more than I am.

So, Mr. Fixer... I'm not done. I won't push you. I won't "stalk" you. I won't crowd you. If you find someone else, more power to you. But, I think that my assumption that you were cutting me off... I think that assumption was premature. I also think that completely throwing away what we have is foolish.

I don't know how this is going to play out. I don't know if I'll get a job in your town. I don't know if I'll get an apartment in your town. What I do know is that I'm not done with this relationship. That means that you're not rid of me quite that easily. Yeah, so I ran away when you told me to, but don't count me out.

*chuckles softly* I just needed a bit of a pit stop. The caution flag is still waving. I have time to come out of the pits and enter the flow of traffic. We swapped a little paint... but you didn't put me into the wall.

*chuckles*

I'm not done yet.