So, I'm frustrated and pissy. Why? Because I don't want to be here anymore. I want to be in Mr. Fixer's town. I want to be living there where the sun shines every day. I want to be employed there. I want to be independantly wealthy too, but that's not bloody likely at this particular juncture.

The problem is that though I don't want to be here anymore, there are certain steps I have to take before I can be there. I haven't taken those steps. I don't want to take those steps, I just want to be there. For those of you who have been reading this vitriolic diatribe for the past seven or eight years, you know that this is nothing new. I don't want to do the leg work. Once I've made the decision, I want to have the benefit of that decision.

It's like my Aunt has long said, "I've gone through the interview, shouldn't I be getting the paycheck already?"

I have long suspected that mature adults tend to do things differently than I do. For instance, they get a job, work, get the paycheck then spend it. Huh. Interesting concept. I should try that one of these days.

What makes this so much harder is that Mr. Fixer wants me there. He says he wants to take care of me. Oh yeah, I SO want that, but it wouldn't be fair to him. If we were married and had kids then I'd expect him to support me financially. Since we're not married and definitely don't have kids, I have to get off my ass and support myself. In order to do that, I need to have a job. Well, I've submitted my application... shouldn't I be getting the paycheck now?

Contrary to how it sounds, I really don't have any problem with actually working. The problem I have is with the whole interview process and then waiting to be chosen. I really, really, really hate rejection. Sometimes I think it would be much easier to inherit tons of money and buy a job. Heh. That's not bloody likely either. No one I know - from whom I would inherit anything - has enough money to make it matter.

"Oh, here you are, dear, your inheritance." "Gee, thanks, I always wanted a casarole dish and a gun locker with a busted lock."

The truth of the matter is that I'm fighting an epic battle and I don't have to. I don't have to be depressed and irritable and frustrated and bored out of my mind. I could be doing Bible study every morning. That would make my life a whole heck of a lot easier to manage. But I don't want to. Why? Because it would make my life easier.

Yes, I know, bear with me.

See, I've found something I really want. Every ounce of my logical brain wants this. I am eager, even. But my conditioned response and self-defense mechanisms are teaming up to defeat any sort of happiness I could find. It's been a long term problem. In order to be happy and successful and feel personally fulfilled, I have to break out of my comfort zone. In order to break out of my comfort zone, I have to be uncomfortable. Eeeeewww. No! I don't want to be uncomfortable.

Well, okay, I can handle the uncomfortable part - I know this from the experience of being in Mr. Fixer's town - but what if the uncomfortableness leaves me with a meager pay off? What if I go through all the effort of turning my life upside down and he decides he doesn't want me after all? What if he gets scared and decides that I'm too weird for him? What if he wakes up, stops being bat-shit crazy, and recognizes that I really am a pain in the ass and an untennable romantic interest? What if Eharmony fucked up?

More than that, though, what if I get there and spend a couple months and get ensconsed and comfortable and all that and discover that I don't like him? That would so royally suck. I am terrified that that would happen and then I'd hurt him and... oh fuck... how I don't want to hurt him. Ever. Under any circumstances. For any reason whatsoever. I want him to be happy. I want to take care of him. I want to provide him with every good and positive thing. But what if I get close to that goal... what if I get close and discover that I can't go through with it? What if he decides I am the one he wants to spend the rest of his life with and I get too scared? What if I hurt him? Fuck me, I don't think I could survive that. To see pain in his eyes? I'm almost breathless just imagining it. I don't ever, under any circumstances, ever want to cause him even the slightest bit of pain; emotional, physical or psychological.

big sigh

And then there's the whole "meeting the family" thing. I have absolutely no problem with Mr. Fixer meeting the Aunt and Uncle - they're cool and nice and while they're a little weird, it would all work out just fine. I have no problem with him meeting the Young Prince and his new wife - they're cool and busy and he's very out-of-sight-out-of-mind but he's charming and endearing in that Salesman kind of way, while she's sweet and kind and somewhat tom-boy-ish and a great woman to know. I have no problem with Mr. Fixer meeting the WonderFink and his brood... but, I really, really, really have a problem with him meeting the paternal parental unit.

I soooooo don't want him to meet the paternal parental unit. That could only be a bad thing. There are so many variables involved in that kind of meeting. I'm afraid dad will do something insulting or crude or mean or nasty. I'm afraid he'll push my buttons. I'm afraid he'll mention embarrassing things about me and laugh about it. I'm afraid that once he's met Mr. Fixer, he'll spread rumors about him that just aren't true.

Mostly, though, I'm afraid dad will push my buttons. I'm terrified that when he sees us together, he'll truly see that dad and I are virtually carbon copies. See, Mr. Fixer says he wants to know everything about me. He says he wants to know both the good and bad. But I'm terrified that if he really does find out the bad stuff, that he'll run screaming. It would be the sane thing to do.

I'm about 85% kind, gentle, polite, generous, sweet, loyal, honest, trustworthy, dedicated etc. All those good character traits... I have them in force. I'm a very, very good person and one of the most beneficial relationships a person could have. However, there's that 15%.... I hate that 15%. It's a combination of ice-cold-bitch and dragon-lady. Except there's no "lady" about it.

My step-father pushes every button I have... he does it so easily. He does it without trying. And believe me, I try so very, very, very hard to not be affected by what he says, does, thinks, the way he acts, what he tells other people... But damn it, he pushes my buttons. He knows how... hell, he installed most of them.

So, what's the real point in all of this?

I've had a taste of an idyllic life; an idyllic setting. I have to erase that image. I already know that I'm putting too much pressure on Mr. Fixer. Whether he admits it or not, I'm pushing way too hard. I'm mostly pushing hard because that's one of the coping mechanisms I learned throughout my youth... If I'm uncomfortable, I push until someone else capitulates (does something for me) or until I recognize that pushing isn't going to get me anywhere and I capitulate (do it for myself).

Truthfully, I WANT to accomplish my goals under my own power, but I'm impatient. I want to be living in Mr. Fixer's town now. I don't want to have to wait until the responsible things are accomplished, like having employment and housing. I want to be impetuous within my comfort zone. That's difficult. And an oxymoron.

Truth? Before I can move to Mr. Fixer's town... at the very least... I need to pack my shit. While I don't have to have employment to begin with, I need housing. Much as I'd love to live with Mr. Fixer, I really can't do that, in good conscience, unless we're married. Though I have no problem with the fantasy of being married, when it comes right down to the reality... I'm scared shitless and not ready to make THAT kind of committment. He's not ready for that kind of committment either. We did, however, enjoy "playing house". His words, not mine.

So, what are my options? I have made application for multiple jobs already. I need to continue doing so. I need to complete the online testing program/process/thing so that the employment agency has accurate numbers. While I know I can type at 60+ wpm, that doesn't mean THEY know. I need to submit my application for the university. I've filled it out, but I have to wait until next week when I have the financial means to pay the application fee (which sucks). I have to really and truly go through my loads of crap and figure out what I want to take with me (bed, clothes, dog, dog food) and what I want to get rid of. I need to be here at least two more weeks because Mom wants to have a few garage sales and that means that I have to man them.

I could sell my wedding ring to bankroll an apartment... but I don't know if Mom would be up for that. In fact, I think she'd be pretty against that. She's the one who told me not to sell it... that I could use it to get out of a foreign country if ever the need arose. (She read Not Without My Daughter and doesn't want me stuck in the Middle East with no way to escape) Of course, it's not bloody likely that I'll ever go to the Middle East... ever. While I like Arabian horses, I have absolutely no intention of EVER seeing where they come from. I watched the Black Stallion movies... that's as close as I ever need to get to that hot, desert region.

Still, I have more options that I've been thinking about because I've refused to actually make a pro-con list. I should. I work well when I can see the facts written down. I just don't want to write them down because what if I go through that effort and discover that it makes more sense to stay here? I don't want to stay here. I hate the gray. I hate the rain. (yes, I know, I'm the one who wrote a multiple-post entry on the glory of rain). I don't actually hate the rain itself, I just hate the fact that I've tasted daily sunshine (which never happens around here) combined with real, true and unreserved love from Mr. Fixer. I want that again. The daily sunshine makes me feel like anything is possible. The unreserved love makes me feel like I'll never be in need of anything ever again.

Grr, too many words and ideas bouncing around inside my head.

Bottom line:

Before I can move to Mr. Fixer's town, I need to pack. I need to sort through my stuff and figure out what I want to take with me and what I want to get rid of. My preference would be to have the sum total of my goods fit in the back of my truck. Dunno how realistic that is though. It might come down to needing to rent a UHaul.

Regardless; I need the fundage to attain an apartment. I think the realistic price I could get for my ring would be about 1500. Hopefully 2000, but realistically, 1500. I could potentially sell it on ebay, but I don't necessarily want to do it that way. Anyway, 1500 would be enough for first, last and security deposit on a modest place. I know that one of the employment agencies I've worked through before could have me working within a week of the interview, but in order to interview, I have to be there. But, before I interview with them, I have to complete the online testing stuff.

Oh screw it. I'm tired. I want a cigarette.

Tonight I have to actually make up a pro-con list and then a list of what needs to happen before I can move to Mr. Fixer's town. With a list, with the necessary steps written down, it will be much easier for me to accomplish them.

One of these days, I promise, I will grow up. When? Dunno. But it will happen!