So, got Mr. Fixer's break-up letter. Read it. Reacted to it (the previous entry, of course) and talked with Mom about it. She had some very interesting things to say. I won't repeat them here. *chuckles*

At this precise moment, the urge to call Mr. Fixer and rave about how wonderful Worship service was this morning is almost unbearable. I'm not going to call. But, I want to. I want to share the wonderful morning with my best friend.

Has he stopped being my best friend?

Part of me says that we can maintain the friendship because we're 500 miles away from each other. Another part of me says I'm an idiot and a freak. Yet another part of me says "Fuck it. Go take a nap."

I'm seriously considering listening to that third part of me. *grins*

Thank God for prayer and the answers to such. I feel great. I'm not depressed or sad or sorrowful at all. I still have the tightness in my cheeks and around my eyes from crying and then from forcing myself to not cry, but emotionally, I feel great.

I feel released, I suppose. No, that's not quite it.

*thinks*

I feel armored. Protected. Safe. That's it. I feel loved. *smiles softly* Because God loves me, I am worthy.

If Mr. Fixer really doesn't want me, that's okay. Granted, he's letting go of a true partner, an equal, the best woman he will find on the grounds that he doesn't feel I'm The One. More power to him (honestly, not sarcasticly). I sincerely wish him happiness and joy and true, Godly fulfillment.

But, one thing I've learned in this life is that there isn't just one The One. There isn't just one "Soul Mate".

--

I do feel a little irked. I mean, he pursued me. He came out to see me. I told him I wasn't interested. He didn't give up. I told him I didn't like him "that way". He didn't give up. He said he was going to get me out of my comfort zone - he was going to get me to come out into the real world and take a risk.

Well, he did. I did. I risked.

And ya know what? When the shit hit the fan? He crawled into his box.

So, there's a part of me that's standing out in the field, in the great-wide-open, frowning at his box. I want to knock on his box and ask if Mr. Fixer can come out and play. And then, if he doesn't respond, I want to kick his box over and say - with arms folded across my chest - NOT FAIR! You made me come out of my box, you have to come out of yours too!

*chuckles*

Yes, that particular part of me is about six years old or so. And pouting.

*grins*

But, all in all, I feel good. I feel supported and protected and safe. Yeah, I'm upset that Mr. Fixer thinks I'm not good enough (when I know full well that he's NEVER going to find someone else as kind, compassionate, gentle, nurturing and willing as I am) for a life-time relationship, but, God loves me.

Will Mr. Fixer change his mind again? He might.

Would I take him back? Only if God told me to.

That's not what I mean. I mean, yeah, I'd take him back, but only in the WAY God told me to. Obviously the way I exist within relationships is not working. Thus, I would need to be FAR more attentive to God's "still, small voice".

Hmmm, plenty more musings are in my brain, but I am a bit on the tired side. I'm gonna go out, have a cigarette (yes, I'm still smoking) and then take a nap.

Thank you, Father, for Your Divine provision. I ask You to continue to give me strength, wisdom and Divine provision. I ask You to do the same for Mr. Fixer. He needs You now.

I know it wasn't easy for him to tell me to go. I know it wasn't easy for him to hear and read about my pain. I ask You to provide for him; give him peace, strength, wisdom and Your Divine provision.

And, I ask You to continue to give him uncommon favor with his employer and co-workers.

Thank You, my Lord. Thank You so much.

--

It really was a fantastic Worship service!