(Raw, unfiltered, unedited - written at 1 in the morning, immediately after reading Mr. Fixer's Email... This is "guts on the table" time. It's messy.)

--

He means it. He broke up with me. He thinks I'm not The One.

This hurts.

The meds make him feel like shit but they don't change what he feels.

That's what he said.

Okay.

Like I said, if it's a matter of him not being in love with me, I can handle that.

--

I feel stupid and weak and.... and broken.

I'm not good enough.

Again.

This sucks.

But, I guess it's better to know now, right?

--

He doesn't want me to up-heave my life for him if I'm not The One. God hasn't said anything about it.

Okay.

I don't like it. I feel rotten. I'm not happy.

But, I'll get over it. Right?

We really do look good together. They're nice pictures.

--

This just proves, yet again (as if I needed yet MORE proof), that I can't have any kind of sexual interaction with anyone until the ring is on my finger. When the huggin' and kissin' starts, I get stupid. I get foolish, believing that the "I love you"s mean forever.

Sexual interaction means more to me than it does to other people. This proves it. Again. The ex. Colorado. Bear. And now Mr. Fixer. I allow the huggin' and kissin' and suddenly my stupid, fucked up, assinine emotions run away with me, believing that the huggin' and kissin' are a promise of forever.

Huggin' and Kissin' ain't nuthin' but a guy bein' horny and a girl not havin' the character to say "no".

I feel dirty. And stupid. And angry.

Mostly, though, I feel hurt. The dirty and stupid and angry are really just covering up for the hurt.

I feel like crying. I am crying.

He doesn't want me.

Oh, God help me.

--

Will he change his mind in a week? A month? A year? Will I? Am I supposed to feel like crying? Am I supposed to just suck it up and walk it off?

I hate feeling so out of control. I hate being so fucking weak. I hate this!

*sighs*

Oh well. I'll live. This situation may not be ideal but it's not the end of the world, right?

So why does it feel like the end of the world?

God, please help me. I don't want to hurt like this. I don't want to be rejected again. Please, Father, love me. This hurts. I don't want to be broken. I don't want to be alone. I don't want to be scared and small and weapy and crying and so very, very, very weak. I don't want to be broken.

Father God, please bless him. Please hold him and care for him. Please provide him with The One so that he can be complete. Don't leave him now. Don't let him be sad. My Father, hold him close to You. Hold him close and let him know You love him. Take his hurt away. Bless him, Father. For the joys he brought into my life... for the love and acceptance that he briefly felt for me... Because he said I was beautiful... please hold and comfort him. Bless him. Keep him safe. Because, for a while, he made me feel worthy. Bless him.