You know, it really hurts my heart when I can't help a friend who desperately needs comfort. I feel wretched inside. Like a failure, because I can't reach out and "be there".

I think there's a distinct shortage of real "friends" in this world. There seems to be too many people who are only interested in being friends as long as you can give them something they want.

Perhaps I'm just jaded. Perhaps I'm just working off of limited resources. I don't know. What I'm sure of, is that the friends I've had... they've all had some ulterior motive. They've been my friend for some specific reason... for some specific thing they could get from me.

Am I that way? Do those I am friend to think of me as having ulterior motives? Do those I speak with, care about, laugh with... do they think I'm just there for the ride?

I have a friend that I cherish. I love him with all my heart. I have grand hopes for him. I want him to attain every dream he's ever held in his heart.

But, I'm afraid for him too. He seems to be unable to break the cycles of his life. And that hurts me. I watch him and see someone precious to me, someone I would do nearly anything for, and I see him hurting. Killing himself.

Damn, is this the way my Mother feels when she sees me smoking?

*smiles softly, sadly*

God, baby... if nothing else, know this, from me.

I love you. You are precious and cherished. You are honored and loved. Please, never forget those things. There's a chance that we'll never be more than "internet pals"... that we'll never meet IRL. But, even if that is the case, you could not be more loved, cherished, admired.

There could never be more hope, more pride, more happiness that you're alive. You have given me a lifetime of joy, a lifetime of peace. And you make me smile.

I wish to hell that I could take your pain away. I wish I could take you into my arms and just hold you until the pain faded away. I wish I could just walk up to you, pull you into a tender, gentle hug, and let you rest in my arms. I wish I could give you a safe and secure place to cry, where no one else would see you. Where no one would ever laugh at you. Where no one would ever talk down to you.

Oh, my dear, dear friend. How I long to take your pain away. How I wish I could make it all just vanish. How I wish I could erase the scars upon your heart, upon your mind, upon your soul.

And yet... you choose your own path. And I am unwilling to make that choice for you.

Just know that I"m here.

I will always be someone you can run to for a hug, a kind word, a tender embrace. I will be a source of support and encouragement. I will be here. I will make room for you. I will make time for you. I only wish I could take your pain away so that you didn't hurt so damned badly.

I can feel it through these cyber-wires. i can feel it like a brick wall slamming against my face again and again and again. *smiles tenderly* But still... these are your choices. this is your lifepath. This is your option, dear heart.

I will be here.

I will listen to the stories you tell, dear heart.

I care.