Well well well... for those of you who are interested, Court was this morning. God I love the beach. Way cool, babes. The judge was ultra nice. I have 90 days to get my liscense reinstated, and by then, they'll reduce the fine by 60 percent. WAY cool.

So... Today, I spent four and a half hours writing a letter to Bryan. A letter he's never going to see. A letter filled with all the hurt I'm finally allowing myself to admit to. *shakes her head* God, I love that guy, but fuck me... if he's not willing to own up to some responsibility, I'm not gonna hang around and wait for him to grow up. Fuck... I waited for dan for 10 fucking years. I'm not going that route again.

I have to do what's healthy for me, even if it causes pain.

That's something I realized, probably through all the walking I've been doing lately. (that's what happens when you're not legally allowed to drive, folks).

See... I've always known that pain is temporary and that time cures all wounds. However, while you're going through the pain it hurts like a mother fuckin bitch. Trust me.

I'm dealing with physical pain right now. A lot of it as of late. I figure I should probably go to my doc and talk with her about it, but that requires travel ten miles north, and I really don't wanna ride the bus. *chuckles* I will if I have to, but then there's the walking thing. And that's the whole problem to begin with. *laughs quietly*

See, there's a bar five blocks from my house. (All of you people who walk around a lot... back the fuck off. YES, it's "only" five blocks. But you're not carrying around a whole extra person's worth of weight... so there. *sticks out her tongue all grade-school-esque*) At this bar, one can order food. Semi-real food. Like chicken and such. Rather than just hot dogs or burgers. (I like burgers, don't get me wrong)

They also sell cigarettes. Now, getting my smokes has been a great motivator. With that motivation, I've actually gotten off my ass three days in a row to go to this bar and grab a pack, drink a pepsi, get some chicken, and have fries to bring home for Joey.

Great plan. Only... it's five blocks away. I can make two blocks before pain sets in. Three blocks before the pain is severe. And four blocks before it's so bad I don't think I can take another step. This is not normal behavior. Not even for a fat chick like me.

Okay... here are my excuses/explanations...

The pain is not an I-stubbed-my-toe-and-now-I'm-gonna-die kind of pain. It's an all out someone-has-just-stabbed-me-in-the-back-with-a-white-hot-knife kind of pain. Now, it starts as a mild ache right in my lower back, right above the curve (yes, you imbicile in the second row, outward curve) of my butt. After another half block, the pain becomes that shooting, knife-in-the-back kind of pain. then, the pain spreads, not mild, not gentle, but wild and very angry, like a kawasaki-riding ninja octopus. Or something.

Another half block and it's not only shooting UP my spine, but then it starts it's perilous journey down my legs. *shakes her head* Another half block and the small of my back feels as if it's become the smorgasboard to a family of rats... with white hot teeth.

Another half block and my entire spine feels as if it's not just the smorgasboard, but fucking Old Country Buffett. Complete with dessert bar.

THEN the legs start with that pain. *smiles softly* So, by block five, I'm ready to call the stretcher to carry me home. AND yet, I still feel like such a fucking whimp cause I can't just walk five fucking blocks. Should be easy, right? Simple, right? No problema, right?

WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!

and the congregation says, "Amen"

*waits for the congregation to say "amen"*

So... Yes, I spend about seven minutes walking five fucking blocks and at the end of that seven minutes I'm in so much pain I want to cry. But do I? Hell no. that would not be cool, folks. So, I sit down in the booth at the bar, order up a pepsi and start writing in my notebook while I control my breathing so that I don't TOTALLY look like the Mother from What's Eating Gilbert Grape.

*sighs* Okay, that's the excuse part.

The whole point of this is to say.... Once I've sat down to rest for a while, the pain goes away. ANd, in all honesty, the pain is gone within about ten minutes. The severe stuff. I almost continually have pain in my back, somewhere... but that's to be expected. Hell, I'm typing every day it seems... but....

Okay, so I'm digressing to hell here... bear with me, folks.

This is my point (haven't I heard that somewhere before). The pain is only temporary. And, if I'm able to deal with it... If I'm able to put up with the feeling that my legs are slowly getting fed into a grinder from the waist down... *chuckles* Then, I can make it to the bar where I can have a pepsi and get my smokes.

YES, there's more pain to look forward to when I have to go home, but then, there's the comp and I can get online and bitch in my diary and have people feel sorry for me and send me presents and ...... Oh, wait... did I take that a little too far??? *chuckles quietly*

Well, let me put this in a different description...

Two and a half years ago, I was in a major auto wreck. Head on with a KenWorth semi. For those of you who don't know what a semi is... well... go to KenWorth.com and see the pics. THAT's what hit our pick-up. Damn, I really wish I had the pics of our truck from after the wreck.

But, after three weeks in the hospital, including about three days of a "coma-like state", which means I was in and out of conciousness; surgery; MRI; catheterization *shudders violently*; traction; x-rays and hospital food (which wasn't all that bad, considering) and the subsequent convalescense at my 'rent's place...

Okay, suffice it to say, there was a fuckin hell of a lot of pain. I mean, screaming so loud I nearly lost my voice. From a person who doesn't scream at all. I mean, cursing at nurses and attendants so vehemently that they thought I was going to sprout another head just to bite them with... After feeling the failure of being unable to walk, and having the nurses tell me what a good job I was doing to take a single step with a fucking walker....

It's two and a half years later. I CAN WALK!!!!!!!! I can breathe, sing, dance, jump... tho I wouldn't suggest the last one.

Hell, I wouldn't suggest the last two...

But, the pain isn't remembered. Having been through pain? Yeah, I remember that part. But the actual pain? I don't feel it anymore folks. I just don't. Therefore, pain ends at some point. It's just a matter of hanging on til you reach that point.

AND, as I wrote in my recent Tiger entry... I may be hanging by a thread, but at least I'm still hanging.

*chuckles*

So, to bring an end to a perfectly bizarre entry, which probably left out a few points....

Night, folks.