Well, I guess last night's emotional thoughts were a premonition.

*le sigh*

*closes her eyes* I hurt now.

My logical mind is looking at my emotional mind in a sort of psychological curiosity. The brain knows that there was never anything more than friendship from Bryan. The heart knows that when he was out here, his eyes made promises.

*closes her eyes, forcing herself to breathe slowly and deeply*

Her name is Lydia. She's got multiple degrees, fluent in five languages and she's beautiful and slender and athletic. She probably fits him completely. Probably looks perfect standing beside him. And she probably fits perfectly into his life.

*clenches her teeth to control the emotion*

But I'm not going to cry.

Because he didn't love me anyway. He never did. And I've been nursing this heart ache for years because I'm an idiot.

*closes her eyes*

I talked with him on the phone about 30 minutes ago. For the first time in about four months or so. I've missed him so very much, ya know?

*stops herself* I'm not gonna go there.

Regardless, I talked with Bryan on the phone. As soon as he answered it, I could hear a soft mellowness about his voice. The way he sounded when he was out here in October.

*bites her lip, hard*

Um... anyway, I asked about his life, he said he was doing really well. We spoke for about 5 minutes. If that. I told him he sounded like he'd just gotten laid. And he said he had. Then he told me her name was Lydia. That she knew five languages. English, French, Itallian, Russian and I think Spanish, I don't remember the last one.

Regardless. He said she either used to be or was (can't remember) in the army, thus the languages. And that she had multiple degrees.

*smiles softly*

I told him I was happy for him. That he deserved this. And then, amid the beginning of moaning sobs, I told him I had to go and would call some other time.

Total duration of phone call from dialing to hanging up... maybe ten minutes.

So, he's got a life. And a girlfriend. And a lover. And friends. And money.

I have a heart ache. And the need to cure my Cranial Rectumitis. Cause I KNEW he didn't want me. But I wanted him anyway. Oh God this hurts so much.

But, I can't force him to be something he's not. In the words of Bonnie Raitt... "I can't make you love me."

Turn down the lights... turn down the bed... turn down these voices.... inside my head... lay down with me... and tell me no lies... Just hold me close... Don't patronize... Don't patronize me... Cause I can't make you love me if you don't... You can't make your heart feel somethin it won't... Here in the dark... in these final hours... I will lay down my heart... And I'll feel the power... But you won't.... no... you won't... Cause I can't make you love me............. If you don't......

*le sigh*

Well, I can tell myself that I don't feel this way. I can tell myself that I don't want him. That I never did. But I would be lying. And even tho this hurts like a motherfucker, I am worth more than lies.

I guess, since I hate it when people lie to me, I should hate it when I lie to myself. I should concentrate on moving forward.

I guess I don't need a man in my life. Of course, this isn't all said and done... but life hurts ya know?

he doesn't really know the depth of my feelings.

You know, I was talking with a friend of mine a while back. He has a girlfriend he loves very, very much. But he has a soul mate too. Who isn't his girlfriend.

I say that just because it gives me the slenderest bit of hope that I might be able to risk loving someone else.

*smiles sadly, swallowing hard*

Um....

God I hate this. What I really want is to melt into a puddle of tears. *shrugs* But I'm not gonna do that. It's not safe. And if I really let myself cry, I don't think I would stop.

{tangent warning}

I remember the first time I knew my dog loved me more than anything else in the world. I fell down, twisting my ankle. (this was my first dog, Pepper, about 17 years ago or so) She came up to me, whimpering softly. She licked my face, licking my tears, whining very softly and gently against my face, then sat down next to me, watching me, resting her left forepaw on my right thigh. She just sat there, watching me. There was so much love and devotion in her eyes.

Am I really that bad at reading body language and reading the emotions through the eyes?

*closes her eyes tightly* Oh, fuck it. It just doesn't matter anymore.

Gah, I hate pain. All kinds of pain. I think today is the best day for me to avoid going into the Realms. I'd get one of my characters killed. Either that or I'd wipe out all of the jerks who pissed me off, and since I have such an extremely low tollerance at this moment, it would be a rather large pile of bodies.

I'm going to go now. I don't want to concentrate right now. I think I'll sleep.

Peace unto thy hearts, friends. May your every positive wish come true.

Tig