9/17/70

Well... 30 years ago, right now (12:05 am) I was born. Amazing, neh?

*chuckles quietly* I'm in a soft mood right now. Feeling quiet, peaceful, slightly introspective. I'm speaking with one of my bestestest friends... I'll dub him Luc. We're both kinda mellow right now. He's working on some writing. Somewhat introspective... somewhat creative, but both of us 'tapped in'. I think I'm going to start using that as a phrase more often.

There's something so cool about this mellowness. It's not depression (which is way bonus, folks). It's not out and out discussion or introspection. it's the kind of mood perfect for a few candles, soft music and just being close to someone.

These are the times I most treasure people like Luc. He "gets it". There may be 2500 miles or more between us... but it's like he's sitting here next to me. There's this raw connection. it's so real. So pure. So totally "tapped in". *chuckles softly*

Okay, so many of you might think I've completely flipped. Hell, my entries for today have been really zen-like... sureal... drug-high-esque. *chuckles* But I'm not on anything. I haven't been smokin anything but my Camel 99's. There's a part of me that can actually feel the touch as Luc places his hand lightly upon my shoulder.

And I know he can feel me just "being there". I know there's a story/poem/Free-Write in here somewhere, but it hasn't flowed from my fingertips yet, so it's not quite time to write that way.

I'm in a soft mood. I feel.... soft. I don't want to hear any yelling. I don't want to hear any growling or mean-ness. I want to sit back with Luc and just be in this soft mood. Quiet, peaceful, gentle, kind, and yet, so very intense. So vivid. Where every touch is felt from the ends of my fingernails to the very ends of my hair, to my toe-tips. *smiles*

If I were't "tapped in" to Luc right now, I'd be bawling my eyes out. I've had this feeling before. I hold on to a muted version of this "connection" nearly 24/7, but tonight.... it's open... raw... complete. And the only way I can deal with this much raw emotion/feeling/understanding/comprehension is by sharing it with someone else.

I'm a little nervous to have other folks read this.... cause I really, really don't wanna be laughed at. I don't want people to read this and tell me I'm flippin out and need to pull my mind back in check. *smiles softly*

If I were alone... I mean, truly alone, I would be bawlin. There's so much pain inside me. so much fear and terror. Not of anything truly substantial. But it's there. And so very real.

But, in this state... having that.... *frowns slightly* psychic link with Luc... I have the strength and ability to look at myself... truly look at myself and see what exactly is causing me pain. I have the ability, with Luc here, to confront the fear. To feel it. to allow it to wash over me, and realize that I WILL rise again. To let this fear flow in and around and through me, and come out the other side realizing that the fear can't break me.

And then...... as understanding truly hits..... I realize that it's not Luc who gives me strength, but Luc who shows me the mirror, so that I can see the strength within myself.

This fear won't kill me. This fear won't drown me. It's simply like unto a post-hypnotic suggestion... something that triggers the "belief" that I am helpless alone.

I am 30 now. My fear will not keep me bound to its will. I am the adult. And I am happy. I'm introspective, but I'm happy. Truly happy. I have a friend I trust sharing this deep-seated awareness. I have a life and a plan for that life. And I have every ability to reach every goal within myself.

Thank you, Luc. thank you for showing me the mirror. For being what I most needed right now. And thank you for believing in me... for loving me in that pure and sure, true way. I've often prayed for a friend who would treat me the way you do. May you find everything you are to me and more in that precious and perfect woman you will one day call your wife. And i hope to meet her. Because she will truly be a woman of courage, honor, valor and wisdom.

Peace unto thy heart, my friend.