====WARNING: EXPLICIT MATERIAL WITHIN... POSSIBLY TRAUMATIC AND OFFENSIVE TO SOME... DISCRETION SUGGESTED====

10-1-00

Yes, another entry on this day. Amazing how that could happen eh?

And yet again, this entry is all about the BS with the UBR diary.

Uncle Bob has made his peace, so to speak, with the whole defamatory scene. He has extended forgiveness to those who have wronged him... He is taking the mature road.

I, however, am not.

The people behind the UBR diary, one of whom is little-bob (given that name simply to separate identity.. bob.diaryland.com), ---- I say little-bob is behind it because he supports it, whether he was a part of the writing efforts or not, his support of the site is tacit implication of being involved in it ----- REgardless... the people behind this UBR diary have absolutely no idea what they've done. I'm giving them the benefit of the doubt by saying they have no idea. I would prefer they were stupid and thoughtless as to being intentionally so cruel, mean and socio-pathic.

I have requested the little-bob remove all my Analyzer sites. The five that I had, because I am unwilling to use a service from someone who would support such an offensively libelous site. If any of you care, I suggest you do the same. I will not leave messages on Analyzer pages. I will not use a service from someone who is so overtly willing to defend incest, molestation and rape. Especially of children.

I wrote a letter to Andrew about the UBR diary very early Friday morning. So, I am another part of the people who had a hand in closing down that vastly offensive diary. I'm not "proud" of being a part of shutting down the diary. However, I am very pleased that it's gone. I'm happy that it's no longer out there. Think about it, folks... there are a LOT of minors running around the diaryland community. The last thing we need is to have some young person stumble across that diary... *shakes her head*

I suppose I should get into the whole reason behind my starting in on this BS yet again... What the UBR "team" has done, albeit (I hope) non-intentionally... is to rip up huge clumps of memory I thought I'd long ago dealt with and purged. There is the feeling of life spinning around me at super-sonic speed. Of pictures and colors whirling so quickly... all too fast for me to identify, yet frightening all the same.

When I was 17, I started dating my brother's best friend. My Mom liked the kid and he was living with us at the time. Dad didn't like him much, and I didn't like him at all... but Mom thought he was a nice kid and deserved a break, so she asked me to be nice to him... *shakes her head* Mom had the best of intentions. He was working, had a car, and thought it was about time I started dating. Hell, I was 17, had never been on a date before unless you count going with my brother and a boy and his family to a skating rink when I was about 11. *rolls her eyes*

Regardless... Jonny was nice enough, I guess. I didn't like him, but I figured I'd be nice to him cause Mom wanted me to get along with him. He'd take Dan (my brother) and me up to church events and sports practices. Yeah, back then I was only about thirty pounds overweight. Maybe fourty... but that's it... I wasn't hugely fat like I am now.

So, we'd go to track practice, Volleyball, cheerleading and basketball... all that shit. Jonny would drive Dan and I, Mom and Dad would get to have some alone time without the kids, ya know?

*shakes her head* -- forgive me... this is tough to get out, but I gotta get it out --

So, one night, Jonny asks me out. I didn't wanna go, but figured I'd like the time out of the house and he was a nice enough guy. He took me to a Singles Costume Dance. *rolls her eyes* I was 17, folks. he was 22. It was February, if I remember right. My B-day is in September... his in December. So, he was JUST 22. *shrugs* Gah, that's so unimportant....

We went to the costume dance... I was already tall, about 5'10" or so. He was 6' I weighed in at about 210 or so. He weighed in at about 140. He was blonde and blue eyed. skinny. really skinny. a decent enough face. He wasn't ugly or anything... I just didn't like him much.

I was so scared at this dance. It was my first date. And (it was a church dance) the church had always been real strict about the age limits and shit... I wasn't a "single". I was still a "teen". And the church strictly frowned on teens going to singles events. But, I went. And I was scared and nervous. But there were a few of my friends there. Jonny and I didn't talk much. And we didn't dance at all.

He danced.

And he talked about his fiance. She was 15. They'd done nothing more than hold hands. But they were in love.. That's beside the point.....

After the dance... I had a curfew of midnight. It was about 11:30. I said we should probably go home as I had a curfew. He agreed and we started home. Except, instead of going home, he took a different freeway exit... going up to Mukelteo... it was a water-front area, we stopped there... sat in the car for a moment. It was cold as all get out... and we were in the car where it was warm.

He started moving closer to me... wanting a kiss and all... wanting to make out... I pulled away and said maybe we should go for a walk..... we did... I figured the cold would cool his libido some... it was late, we were already about twenty minutes late for my curfew and we were about half an hour from the house or so... I didn't wanna break curfew... I didn't wanna kiss him. I didn't wanna have anything to do with him.... gah... I don't wanna write this.....

*sighs slowly*

So... we got back to the car and I said I figured we should go home as I was already late for curfew. He was shivering and his teeth were chattering cause it was so completely cold. He agreed and started the car, waiting for it to heat up... but then, once it was warm... he didn't leave. he didn't drive away... he reached over and pulled me into a kiss.

I didn't know what to do. Hell, I knew that I had the right to say no before anything happened. I knew I could tell him I didn't wanna... but he was older than me... he was male and my Mom wanted me to be nice to him... I kinda just gave in, without fighting. He kissed me a few times... I guess he had enough... so he stopped and put the car in gear and we drove off toward home.

He was living in his own place by then... he dropped me at the house, walked me to the door... it was 1:30am... an hour and a half after curfew. My first date. I figured it would be my last.... I had no problem with that... I didn't wanna go out with him ever again... He kissed me goodnight. I felt sick. I wanted to spew right then and there.

I hated it.

I didn't like him. I didn't want to be with him...

*closes her eyes, breathing*

So... Mom asked me when I got home... I told her.. she said, "Oh.... Well, you were out with Jonny... I know you were safe. Try to keep to curfew next time."

*shakes her head*

Gah... I didn't wanna hear that. I wanted to hear her tell me that I"d broken curfew by an hour and a half and that meant I was grounded. That I couldn't date jonny anymore. I wanted her to come unglued and think Jonny couldn't be trusted. I wanted to tell her that he kissed me and I didn't wanna and I didn't like it and I didn't ever wanna see him again. and I wanted her to wrap me in her arms and tell me it was okay that I never had to see him again and that she wouldn't think he was wonderful anymore and she wouldn't like him anymore because he'd been mean to her baby.

*blinks back tears*

But... she didn't.

And I didn't.

And the next weekend we went out again.

------- god, i feel so damn alone... so scared... luc just logged off... he was my connection to "real life" while writing this....... god... where's charles now? sleeping i suppose...... hopefully russell will be on soon.... god... so small and alone right now....... gotta keep going --------

Long story a little shorter... jonny and i went out almost every weekend... i still didn't like him, but he would buy me dinner or take me to a movie or something... i got out of the house and had some time in a slightly social situation without the rents or brother tagging along.

he kept kissin on me and such... that was good enough for a while til he wanted more and started feelin me up... i didn't like that part at all. i hated it more than the kissin stuff and i still didn't like him at all... i was liking him even less... but he was the man... i was just a female... i had no rights, right?

so, in june i move to capitol hill in seattle. i'm there by myself. early cause we got a good deal on the apartment. mom and dad moved to graham, about 65 miles south of seattle... i was still 17. i wouldn't start school at cornish until september. i wasn't allowed to have boys in the apartment. i was fine by that. but jonny kept dating me... kept taking me out... i kept letting him do what he wanted as long as he stayed above the belt and didn't remove clothing...

he would come into the apartment... on the grounds that he needed to use the bathroom... he'd try necking with me and petting... i'd let it go so far and then beg off with some excuse or other... then he would accept it and go home.

in august i reached my limit...... we were walking through the park. he told me he was studying judo and he knew how to decapitate my dog with a special ninja move. .............. i had three rules in my life... you don't fuck with my dog, you don't fuck with my mom and you don't fuck with my friends. other than that you could pretty much do whatever you wanted... obviously................ anyway... he said he could decapitate my dog with this special move and he stood behind me, wrapped his arm around my throat and started to squeeze. just a little. he wasn't actually going to hurt me...... but, instinctively, i jerked my hand up to his arm, took a step back and flipped him over my back... he landed hard on the ground on his back, shocked...... but it wasn't shock that registered... it was his rage... he was furious that i had flipped him.

and me? what did i do? i fell to my knees begging him to forgive me..... begging....him.... the guy i couldn't stand. the guy who'd just threatened, tacitly, to hurt my dog, the guy who'd been feelin me up and kissin on me for five months all the while talking about his fiance and how much he loved her and shit...... i fell to my knees beggin him to forgive me.... that i was so sorry. that i'd never do it again.....

What a mother fucking moron I was. My God.....

Nothing like anger and self-loathing to make you start using capitols again, eh?

====at least russell is on now====

So... I begged him to forgive me... and as we went further through the park, he stopped at a picnic table and started kissin on me again. I REALLY didn't wanna be kissin him... but I figured I owed him. I'd flipped him over my back... course, I had about a hundred pounds on him by this time and I'd grown another inch or so...

It didn't just stop with the kissin and light petting this time... I zoned out. I ignored what he was doing and just zoned out. I came back to myself laying on the ground with my shirt completely open and bra undone with him havin his fun... not below the belt, but I was in that park, my shirt open, exposed... and I realized I couldn't deal with this shit anymore.

I sat up as people were walking past... I quickly covered myself and said I was feeling ill and that I needed him to take me home... he did so... and I ran from the car into the apartment... I didn't let him come in that night... I ran up the stairs... it was a security building so when the front door closed, there was no way he could get in unless I let him in... and I just ran to my apartment, got inside and to the livingroom window to watch him drive away..... I crumpled to the floor as I saw his taillights dissapear...

I don't remember when I moved but I know I woke the next day in the same place.

I didn't answer his calls, leaving the machine to get it. I didn't tell mom and dad. I was on capitol hill. alone. school hadn't even started. complete culture shock, complete system shock, all the reserves used up. I was so fucking scared and alone and..........

*sighs*

So... I wanted to go to a softball tourney in late august... 20 something... he asked me to go with him. I wanted to go, he was a ride. I knew i wouldn't touch him. but he was willing to drive. So we went. AS soon as we got there, his fiance came up to him and he was gone. fine by me. I spent the day hanging around with Dan. (I believe the story I wrote for him is at this link... The Mortal Coil -- not my brother... a different guy... 6'6", probably about 250 or so, red head... we looked good together, and he was the guy I LIKED... he was the guy I WANTED to be dating, but he'd never asked me...)

regardless, I spent the day with him. we walked around and talked and such. it was good. but then it was time to go and jonny's fiance wanted a ride home... so I sat in the backseat of jonny's car while he and his fiance held hands and told each other how much they loved each other... how much jonny wanted her... how she was the only woman for him..... she was 16 by now... he was still 22. I was still 17. he told her how incredibly deeply he loved her, how much he cherished her, how perfect she was....... she said all the same.

I was in the backseat, listening to this bullshit. and I was sick to my stomach. I felt truly ill. I zoned out.

after jonny had dropped her off at home, he and I started back... he tried holding my hand... this isn't more than ten minutes after he drops off his fiance... he was trying to hold my hand......

I zoned out again, my hands on my lap. ...... traffic was bad... we stopped at a rest area.... jonny tried to make a move toward me... wanting to neck with me..... I opened my door and suggested we play frisbee or something to pass the time..... god I didn't want to talk to him, i didn't want to look at him, i just wanted to be home in my apartment..... alone and terrified was better than with jonny and terrified.

we finally got home..... he had to use the bathroom.... *closes her eyes* I let him in.

........

.......

*opens her eyes slowly*

He got done in the bathroom and came into the livingroom. I pointed to the door telling him he could leave now. he didn't want to. he came up to me trying to kiss on me. I told him I didn't want to... he wouldn't stop..... I told him no. He didn't stop.... I told him I was sick.... he didn't stop.... I zoned out.... he had my shirt off, bra off. he went for my pants. I grabbed his wrist and said no

he looked at me and his eyes told me that I had no right to stop him

he wrenched his hand free and went for my jeans again. I kneed him in the crotch. he gasped, but i didn't hit him hard enough to actually stop him. he swore at me. I jerked away from him, moving to the door. I had my hand on the door knob, he slammed the door, pinning me against it, again going for my jeans. I kneed him in the crotch again, hard. He backed up, glaring at me, telling me I was his, I had no right to deny him.....

I stared at him shocked..... he shoved me against the wall and started for my pants again...... he got the button undone. I shoved him backward, I think I punched him in the gut, but I don't remember....

somehow I shoved him away from me. I know that I kneed him in the groin again, this time with all my strength. I jerked open the front door and litterally kicked him out of my apartment I saw him catch himself on the stairs railing... he glared at me demanding to know how I dared deny him what was bought and paid for..... he didn't say that with his mouth, but he said it with his eyes.

I slammed the door so hard I knocked pictures off the walls. I locked the door, again going into the livingroom to see his taillights dissapear... that time, I know exactly what I did... I curled up in the corner of my couch, rocking myself back and forth for hours.

god, I felt so alone..... so completely alone..... and terrified..... and used..... and....

god, I still feel like a fuckin whore for that. He was right, ya know... I fuckin whored myself for the chance to get out of the house..... I paid him with my body for dates and pizza and movies....... I whored myself to him....... and I still feel so fucking cheap.....so fucking worthless......

that's the last time I had any self respect about my body and my personal choices until Bryan came out here one year ago. that's a long damned time. 12 years.

and it has cost me a lot to write this shit.

And that's why the UBR bullshit offended me so much. I KNOW that what I went through is so incredibly minimal to those people who have actually been raped and molested..... but still..... If what I feel is this intense..... what about those people who were REALLY devistated by rape? What about those people who were real victims of molestation?

How can anyone in this entire world who isn't a total idiot or sociopath think that this shit is comedy material???????

HOW?

Feh....

I can't believe that any man could want me after that shit..... knowing that I was willing to fucking whore myself for a god-motherfucking-damned pizza.

knowing that I DID whore myself for a fucking pizza..... for a fucking pizza......

"All life is is really just a circle... You are the only one I want. You are the only one I want. You are the only one I want. You are you are you rare you are you are you are you are you are you are... if I run to you... will you let me donw... what I'm askin you... is to turn around... rise and fall - turn the wheel - cause all life is - is really just a circle"