I'm sick

I think I caught a computer virus. Luc had a cold earlier... I think I caught it from him.

..........................

That was going to be the beginning of my post from last night, but I got pulled into RP. Tonight? I'm so totally fried it doesn't matter anymore.

Okay, so that's not exactly true. It does matter. I'm just having a lot of trouble rectifying my self-hatred with the need to accept who and what I am and move on. I was confronted rather harshly today by a few obvious facts. Only they weren't so obvious to me.

I'd suggest you get yourself a cup of coffee, or something else to drink or possibly munch on. This promises to be a long post. But I'm just gonna shove it all in at one time... I'm not gonna split it up like I did that mamoth post of last weekend. Six entries for one thing and I still didn't cover it all. C'est la vie, non? Oui.

Okay... there are specific topics I want to cover, so I'm gonna post em right here so the Tangents don't run away with me.

Northern Sky

My Father is not my Father

Fear

Okay, those are all mixed and intermingled...

First, my Father...

I've complained and bitched about him a lot in here. specifically lately. most of you folks who are tired of bitching and complaining diaries ..... well, hell, you've already stopped reading mine, so it doesn't matter.

This morning I realized, rather suddenly, that my Father isn't really my Father. I don't mean that it's a surprise that he's my Step-Dad or anything... but... I've been expecting him to act like a dad... like a loving, doting father... like a fantasy, I suppose, of what I thinka father should be. And he doesn't/isn't/can't be.

I've been expecting that any day he's going to stop being an asshole (he's only an asshole some of the time, not always) and start being a Father. It's not going to happen. This has been 26 years. It's time I admit that it just ain't gonna happen in this lifetime and move on.

But the realization was still harsh. I've always known it in the back of my mind, but it sorta just.... "poof" made itself clear. Or rather... "SLAM" rather than "poof". It wasn't a gentle realization at all.

I just..... well, we, Mom Dad and me, were out at the bagel shop "Bagels By The Sea" in Seaside, Oregon. He was paying for lunch, but... and damn it, this feeling came on me so suddenly... Mom had ordered, Dad had ordered and it was my turn, but just before I did... Dad looked at the counter person, wanting onions on his sandwhich... they charged extra. and he asked how much. When he asked how much extra the onions were, I lost it mentally... instantly I was slammed with old memories of being the "liability". I was slammed with remembered feelings... understanding that I was merely an obligation. That I was his wife's child and he had supported me for years but that it was like paying the mechanic to do maintanence on your spouse's car. It's not your car, you don't have any ownership rights and you don't feel all that pride-ful in owning the car... cause ya don't. Ya just have to pay for it. It's a liability that you pay for so your wife doesn't bitch at you.

*shakes her head*

He didn't say that to me. I just was slammed hard with that feeling... with the feeling of being a waste. So, instead of getting a sandwhich... I got a bagel with cream cheese. 1.50 as opposed to 5.00 for their lunches...

I didn't have a drink. These were choices I made. Limiting myself because I felt guilty about using HIS money. Fuck if I had the change I would have purchased my own. I so hate feeling useless, worthless, wasted. And it's not like he's ever said I was worthless, useless or wasted... I just feel that way. I don't know how to stop feeling that way. I don't know how to stop looking at him with a mix of sorrow and hatred. Sorrow for what can never be and hatred for what was.

Gah, I must sound like the most disgusting, pre-pubescent asshole in the world.

Then... we have Northern Sky. This is a christian band I was listening to tonight. As I was at services today (it's the Feast of Tabernacles for those of you who know about the Old Testament Holy Days... for those who don't, I'll explain it later this week) there was a keyboardist who played one of his compositions. He was incredible. And the song just totally knocked me off my ass.

I was sitting out in the outer entryway thing, cause I don't deal well with a lot of people... and listening to the service and music and all... but when he started singing and playing.... I couldn't stay in my chair... I had to get up and see who was playing this song..... I was amazed. I stood there, my heart in my throat...

It made me think of Russell. He was talking, a while back, about this song he did during a church retreat where everyone was just so engulfed by it... I understand. I was totally entranced. And I felt a part of me trying to wake up...... I guess that's it... fuck, I don't know anymore. My brain is just so fucking mixed up right now.

I've been writing about music lately, any of you who have been reading this diary know that very well. Practically obsessing about it. Hell, Obsessing about it. And tonight..... fuck, man. It just nailed my ass to the wall. I was listening to this new band Northern Sky. Four guys, their first CD will be released this December. I'll have mine through the mail by the fifth of December.

Anyway.... they had the words printed out on a computerized projector.... fuck....

The lyrics that really nailed me were those that talked about opening up, about letting God in, about how much Jesus loves me and about how He is just waiting for me to open myself to Him.... just waiting, pleading me to open up and do it His way.

I've known this. I've wanted to do it God's way. but I'm so fucking scared.

I was sitting there, watching Northern Sky (out of Salem... I MIGHT get to build their web page... woohoo) anyway, I was listening to them, tears streaming from my eyes, the words pouring into me, wrapping around me so tightly that I couldn't breathe properly. I felt this tremendous and totally unfounded terror racing through me. Everything I was told me to run. Told me to leave. Told me to get the fuck out of there. But I couldn't move.

There was one person behind me (my Mom) and three people in front of me, no one else around... and yet, I felt so fuckin constricted. I felt like the world was closing down around me. I felt so fuckin terrified I couldn't fucking move. And I couldn't figure out why and that fuckin terrified me even more.

I hope you're getting the point through my repetitive use of the word "fuckin".

I felt the words and the music hitting me like Charles' warhammer, again and again and again and again. I tried to think about something else, but you try thinking about something else when you're being slammed again and again and again.

I was listening, the tears were pouring down my face, I was trying so fuckin hard to stop them. The terror was squeezing me tightly, so close, so constricted, so angry. The music told me to let God take over. The music told me God loved me. The music told me that He cared and wanted me and wanted me to be happy and secure within Him. The music told me to rest safe in His arms. And all I could think of was getting away. Was running.... hiding.... leaving.... no, don't be nice to me, don't love me, I don't deserve it. I'm a waste. a liability worthless......

Fuck me this is so fuckin bizarre

And I was assailed by the fact that it could have been me up on that stage, calling to some scared, terrified woman in the audience. It could have been me as the physical focus for God's word and Will. it could have been me if I had just stopped running long ago.... when I was 17.

I'm NOT saying I want to go back to when I was 17 so that I could NOT go out with Jonny (the beginning of the end, folks). But, had I faced the lesson then... the lesson which is so very close.

I feel like the lesson is to do what I KNOW is right AND good for me. To do what God has designed me for.... singing and healing people through my voice and words. Or rather, through His voice and words. That was my design. That is my purpose. To wake people up to kindness and tenderness, to gentleness, to love and patience and peace. All those qualities that are so very lacking in this world today.

The lesson is this..... Music is me. I am music. Accept it. Believe it. Live it.

But there's this tremendous barrier of fear... not even fear, but terror. Terror whenever I get close to actually letting the music in. I've noticed that. Fuck, the first time I heard Andrea Bocelli... who hit me this hard... I got to a point where I just couldn't capitulate... I just couldn't get over the fear... and I went outside where there was no sound... and had a cigarette... further destroying any chance at having a pure and whole voice once again.

Tonight..... as I've been writing this, I must have smoked about 7 cigarettes already.

I feel like someone who has been begging and praying for a pony their whole life... someone who has wanted to own this pony from the moment they could first walk... And finally, after years of wanting, years of waiting, years of begging and pleading in silence... finally, they are face to face with that which they most desire.....

And they see the enormity of it and run away. The pony didn't do anything to them. The pony is just standing there. But their whole life was turned around becuase they've lived so long without the pony that ............ well....... fuck this isn't making sense.

*exhales slowly* Right now, I'm listening to "the Boss" Born In The USA. It doesn't hit me. It's just music. But, I ain't turning on Bocelli right now.

Okay, perfect scenario to describe what I'm feeling....

6 year old kid sees the "King Sundae" on a menu. He orders it because he wants it and his father has said he could have anything he wanted. So, the kid orders it cause that's what he really wants..... but, when he get it and sees it staring at him, this 30 scoop sundae with chocolate, butterscotch, marshmallow and whatever other toppings... When he sees this sundae in front of him, he can start eating, but after about scoop 3, his appetite is wanning. He looks at the other 27 scoops and can't comprehend actually eating it... actually consuming all of it.

I want, more than anything in the world, to heal hearts. I want to heal hearts with my voice. By singing. I want to be up on stage, singing before a crowd of people and hear them singing MY songs back to me...... I want to look out into that crowd and see them in awe of the gifts of God. I want them to look at me and see how God has blessed me, AND through that, I want them to realize that there is so very much more for THEM.

But, I'm looking at the stage and the fear hits me..... not just fear, but terror. Terror that maybe I will suck. Maybe I"ll get up there and I'll be the reason people turn away from God. That I won't draw them to Him, but push them away from Him.

That's not all of it....... see....... this is the part that really bites......

I don't know WHY I'm terrified. I can't figure out a single reason. I can't. I don't know why and that bothers me more than almost anything else in this entire world. I hate not knowing WHY I'm doing something/feeling something.

I feel like I'm on the edge of realization. I mentioned a while back that I have felt my dreams were my subconscious speaking to me.... that my dreams gave me those little insights.......... helped me figure out what things I'd been hiding from myself.

Now, there are MANY reasons for me to change my life and move it in the direction I had started in so many, many years ago. There is no real or tangible reason for me NOT to change my life.

But it feels like there is a humongous stone wall in front of me. And, I'm not running into it, but it's moving at me. Fast. And it's already hit me a few times.

God, help me. I don't know HOW to get past this. And it's destroying me. I want to move forward. I want to get off my ass. I want to stop smoking. I want to be working. I want to accomplish everything You have planned for me.... and I don't know how to get around this damned, fucking fear. This terror.

Trevor told me a while ago... "embrace your fear". I don't want to fucking embrace my fucking fear. I want to get rid of that motherfucking fear.

Fear is there to protect you from things that might kill you/hurt you. But this fear is keeping me chained to the walls of this self-imposed prison. And I don't know how to get out of it.

I just don't know how.

For all the advice I give others... "just keep putting one foot in front of the other" I'm sorry. I can't keep putting one foot in front of the other because when the terror grips me, I don't know how to walk.

God, help me. help me.... I don't know how to do this. I don't know how to move on.

I want to do it YOUR way. I don't know how to get through/past the fear.