I'm sitting here, again listening to the CD that Sympatico(Finally created an alias that fits him) made for me. some of you might think that burning a CD for someone would be a fairly small thing. Personally, if I had the capability to burn CD's, making one for someone else would be no big deal. Easy. Something I"d spend an hour or two on, enjoying myself.

But, for me... to receive this disc..... I just..... *smiles softly, blushing just a bit* To me, For Sympatico to spend his time and effort, for him to have created the disc, not only DLing the songs from Napster, most of which he didn't already have... for him to spend his effort actually burning the CD. For him to put forth the effort to DL the image that Laerynfra made for me in order to use that as a cover graphic...... For him to THINK about what I would enjoy, and putting a Tiger picture on the CD itself...... I'm so totally amazed and in awe.

So, once again..... Thank you, Sympatico. You rock my world.

I'm going through some body memories right now. *chuckles* Or taste memories. It started with just a simple choice in the store tonight. I bought a half-rack of Big Red soda. *chuckles quietly* Now, anyone who has had BR soda, knows that all it is is ultra-sugared bubble-gum flavored soda. *chuckles* It's red Mountain Dew, only it tastes better. *smirks*

Regardless, I haven't had BR soda in a long, long time. I think I've had three bottles of the stuff between 1987 and two hours ago. *chuckles* But, I'd drink it every once in a while when I was a real little kid. I mean, fourth grade kind of little.

*smiles softly*

I remember taking the first drink of the first can tonight... it always tastes different in a can... not as good as the bottle, but I wasn't thinking about that when I bought it. The point... I took the first sip and tasted the soda and instantly was transported back to the first time I'd ever been allowed to go to the store all by myself. *smiles softly*

It was a 7-11 about half a mile from the house, just across the street from our grade school. Arrowhead Elementary. It was officially Bothell Washington, but it was kinda between Kenmore and Juanita. I remember that It was the first time I'd ever been allowed to go by myself. And I must have been in like the fourth grade or somethin.... maybe third..... but I think it was fourth.

Anyway, I'd purchased a bottle of Big Red soda and like a kit kat bar or something... maybe gum. I don't remember. I just remember opening that bottle of BR and taking a long pull and being surprised at the flavor. *laughs* As I took a drink from the can tonight I just felt like 21 years had just disappeared.

I swear, if I close my eyes, I can still hear the cars going past at the intersection of Juanita Drive and 155th Street. *laughs softly*

I don't remember if that's the exact address anymore... a lot has changed. Hell, it's been about 7 years or so since last I drove past that way, but still... When I was in grade school there, There was just a po-dunk little stop light. Last time I went through there was three lights and a turn light and all... it had really grown up.

When I was attending, the overpass hadn't been constructed yet. In fact, I think the overpass went in around 79 or so. Hell, there was a whole neighborhood to the side and behind the school that didn't go in til about 81 or so.... Regardless... That was one of my best memories from "school" And it didn't even involve school. I don't have many pleasant memories from my school time.

But I have a lot, and I do mean a lot, of negative ones. Which is why we're dropping this now.

I just remember standing, waiting for the light to change so I can go back across the street and head home, with my "trophy" in my hand. *chuckles* I don't remember if I kept the bottle. I may have, for a while. But I remember, tonight, with the flavor... I remember that sense of victory.

And, I suppose the whole reason for that, is to bring up this... *chuckles* I feel a sense of victory. Currently. And I'm reminded of successfully passing that marker when I was a child. I had been allowed to cross the main highway (it was rather little-used back then... Hell, back then, a four bedroom house cost 60,000.... now, the same house goes for 250,000 *chuckles* Amazing, neh?)

I quit smoking Sunday. Besides Sunday night... where I was going through some withdrawals atop being physically sick... I feel as if I'd never smoked at all. As if I had never taken a drag. *chuckles softly* It's strange. I've quit smoking four times before. It never was this..... simple, before. This time, I just...... *shrugs* It's like my body realizes that I've smoked enough. It's time to move on.

I feel alive... And this may seem corny to you folks out there... but think about this.... It was this weekend, as I was listening to Northern Sky, realizing that God was giving me yet another chance to do it His way... it was at that point I realized that I was too scared to go on, that *I* wanted to go on, but was too scared.

And Luc pissed me the hell off (not intentionally) by telling me that I DID have to embrace my fear. *chuckles* But, the thing is, I didn't have to embrace my fear. All I had to do was admit I was scared and didn't know how to get past that.... that I was helpless of and by my own power....

I woke Monday morning.... I didn't want to smoke. I didn't want to hide. I wanted to sing.

*smiles softly* I haven't wanted to sing.... I haven't awakened with the desire to sing for more than 8 years. I woke Monday morning with the desire to sing. I got to speak with Charles. I told him. He was supportive and encouraging and that's all the added steam I needed. I feel alive, people.

It's going to take another three to four months for me to recover from the damage I've already done to my vocal chords. But once I do, I"ll start vocal lessons again. I"ll hopefully be working for the State by that time, and I'll be getting most of my bills paid off... loans and fines and hospital bills and such.....

I already feel as if I were dropping fat by the second. I'm sure I am. I"ve eaten fairly healthily the last few days too. Surprising, neh? *chuckles*

There are a few sad realizations as well.... but I'd rather not get into those today. I"m in an overall good mood and I don't want to squelch that just yet. So, I've quit smoking, I'll keep you aprised on how that continues, tho I don't think I'll ever smoke again.

I don't need to smoke anymore. I don't want to kill myself. I don't want to destroy the gifts of my life. I want to move forward through God's plan for me..... And it's marvelous. Absolutely incredible.

You'll be kept aprised of my situation and life.

Peace unto thy hearts, my friends.

Ciao....