===Wooohooo, third post in the same day. Amazing concept neh? Anyway, this one, like the others, and the most of the rest of my posts in this diary, is a bit on the religious side. So, if you're offended by religious topics, you might want to skim this entry and then bug out when I start talking all religious and such. Peace to you===

I just missed something..... I'm sitting here in my room, watching the screen, DLing from Napster, a few selections from Sympatico, and I was looking kinda sideways at the coffee candle I have burning (yummy) and I ran the fingers of my left hand through my hair, looking at it through the flame or rather, vice versa.....

And I realize I've been missing that. A lot. Just having a man run his fingers through my hair. I miss that... Just thought I"d let you know.

Thanks for listening.

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I love this CD. In case you hadn't realized that as yet......

I love this one song at the moment. Everything You Want from Verticle Horizon. I love this so very much. I'm not sure if it's the music specifically, the lyrics specifically, a combination of the two, or just the general feel I get from the song..... but it speaks to me.

"He's everything you want
he's everything you need
he's everything inside of you that you wish you could be
he says all the right things
at exactly the right time
but he means nothing to you and you don't know why.

And you'll just sit tight
and watch it unwind
its only what you're askin for
and you'll be just fine
with all of your time
it's only what you're waitin for....

And of course, that one, that always reminds me of something I wanted to say to Bryan, it's followed by a song from Alanis Morissette.... Uninvited.... I love this one too.

But you..... You're not alone. You're uninvited, And unfortunate slight

Must be strangely exciting to watch the stoic squirm. Must be somewhat heart telling to watch shepherd need shepherd. But you, you're not alone. You're uninvited. An unfortunate slight.

Like any uncharted territory, I must seem greatly intriguing. You speak of my love like you've had experience like mine before, but this is not a love. You're uninvited. An unfortunate slight.

See... With Everything You Want, I think of Bryan. I was watching VH1 and that video came on during one of those times that I was chatting with Bryan. Tho it was one of those times when he was telling me about some chica he was interested in. And, of course, she wasn't me. So, I was thinking of the chorus.

It just nailed me as he was telling me about yet another female that he liked who wasn't me...... I was about three seconds from singing the lyrics for him..... tho he would have had to "go" immediately thereafter. Bryan is about as confrontational as a...... well....... dust bunny. *chuckles*

But, I kept thinking about those lyrics..... "I am everything you want, I am everything you need, I am everything inside of you that you wish you could be. I said all the right things at exactly the right time, but I mean nothing to you and I don't know why..."

There was a long time there when I didn't know why.

I'm over that whole phase, but still, I like the song, lots. And it makes me think of Bryan with fondness. It's kind of like, looking back on standing there holding my bottle of Big Red soda in my hand, all proud about having gone to the store all by myself. I really liked that feeling of self-accomplishment.

And, now, when I look back on that song, I feel the same way..... I remember the feelings and I think to myself about how I don't have to be confused. I don't have to rely upon someone else to make me feel better. I truly am here to do as God instructs me. And I will do my best to do so.

It doesn't matter if the guy I'm interested in likes me or even gives a damn, cause I"m not on this world to be loved and adored by him. I'm in this world to be God's child and to do as He has commanded me. The life-mate will be a wonderful bonus... a perk of the job, so to speak. But the real job is that which God sets for me to do.

I would imagine that to a lot of you, I sound like I"m going off the deep end. *smiles softly* Think what you will. I love you anyway. And, if any of you think that this kind of conversation is too intense, or could be considered insulting or offensive, let me know, I"ll post a warning next time. *chuckles* I'll still post my opinion, but I'll include a warning.

*smiles softly* so, why am I actually putting forth all this effort to write yet again? Because I'm thinking about my life a lot lately. Tomorrow I have to run out and find a job as best I can. Course, if it's raining, I"m not going to be doing a whole bunch of walking.

*sighs softly* I suppose this is my point..... I"ve gotten a bit of momentum going over the past few days. I'm not willing to lose that. I feel better and more healthy than I have in a long, long, long time.

I know that some of you may think I've really flipped out this time...... That I've quit smoking for three days, I'm bragging about it and you're gonna see me smoking in a week's time. Nope, not gonna happen. I'm stronger than a cigarette. I know that for sure now. You may think that just because I've had two really emotional weeks in a row and have had two days of bright sunshine, that perhaps I'm entering the manic phase of some psychological disorder. not so.

I've just stopped fighting. I"ve stopped. I was so incredibly terrified Saturday night. I heard the music and how powerful it was and it was calling to me, begging me to relax and let it in, begging me to just acquiesce. So, I bitched and cried in my own little tiny prison, feeling the need to actually say yes, feeling the power thrbbing within my veins, begging to be released....... but, I was so terrified.

I still don't know WHY I was terrified. I know simply that I told my Heavenly Father that I was terrified, I didn't know why, I didn't know how, but that I wanted to do it His way, and that I wanted Him to help. I went to bed that Sunday night, scared and confused and sick and all.....

I woke Monday late morning and...... felt no fear. No hunger. No need for a smoke..... I felt...... "right".

So, Thank you, my Lord God. May these next few months be a testament to Your Glory.

Peace unto thy hearts, my friends.......