Got this from my Mom and thought it was wonderful. Send her an Email or something. Yeah, this is a cheater entry so to speak, but you love me anyway. I know ya do.

Peace unto thy hearts.

Ciao...

They have finally been released! For those not familiar with the Darwin Award, it's an annual honor given to the person who provided the human gene pool the biggest service by getting killed in the most extraordinarily stupid way.

As always, competition this year has been keen. Some candidates appear to have trained their whole lives for this event!

DARWIN AWARD HONORABLE MENTIONS (Failed to qualify on the technicality that the perpetrator did not, in fact, remove him/herself from the gene pool.)

1. In Guthrie, Okla, in October, Jason Heck tried to kill a millipede with a shot from his 22-caliber rifle, but the bullet ricocheted off a rock near the hole and hit pal Antonio Martinez in the head, fracturing his skull.

2. In Elyria, Ohio, in October, Martyn Eskins, attempting to clean out cobwebs in his basement, declined to use a broom in favor of a propane torch and caused a fire that burned the first and second floors of his house.

3. Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover Township, NJ, in September, and his wife Bonnie was also injured, by quarter-stick of dynamite that blew up in their car. While driving around at 2 AM, the bored couple lit the dynamite and tried to toss it out the window to see what would happen, but they apparently failed to notice that the window was closed.

4. This from Tacoma, WA [I used to live here, folks]: Kerry Bingham, had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from the Tacoma Narrows Bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 a.m. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. One end of the cable was secured around Bingham's leg and the other end was tied to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy river [the Puget Sound, it's NOT a river] water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. "All I can say," said Bingham, "is that God was watching out for me on that night. There's just no other explanation for it." Bingham's foot was never located.

DARWIN AWARD RUNNERS UP

1. In September, in Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.

2. In October, a 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned" when he ran, according to his wife, accidentally jogged off a 100-foot-high cliff on his daily run.

3. Buxton, NC: A man died on a beach when an 8-foot-deep hole he had dug into the sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beachgoers said Daniel Jones, 21, dug the hole for fun, or protection from the wind, and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom Thursday afternoon when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach, on the outer banks, used their hands and shovels, trying to claw their way to Jones, a resident of Woodbridge, VA, but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him while about 200 people looked on. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.

4. In February, Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc, CA, as he fellface-first through the ceiling of bicycle shop he was burglarising. Deathwas caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth (to keep hishands free) rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.

5. According to police in Dahlonega, GA, ROTC cadet Nick Berrena, 20, wasstabbed to death in January by fellow cadet Jeffrey Hoffman, 23, who wastrying to prove that a knife could not penetrate the Flakvest Berrena waswearing.

6. Sylvester Briddell, Jr , 26, was killed in February in Selbyville, Delas he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loadedwith four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.

7. In February, according to police in Windsor, Ontario, Daniel Kolta, 27and Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head-on collision, thus earning a tie in thegame of chicken they were playing with their snowmobiles.

AND THIS YEAR'S WINNER:

1. PADERBORN, GERMANY - Overzealous zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt fed hisconstipated elephant Stefan 22 doses of animal laxative and more than abushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finallylet fly-and suffocated the keeper under 200 pounds of poop! Investigatorssay ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant anolive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded on him like a dump truckfull of mud. "The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecationknocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground, where he struck his head on a rock andlay unconscious as the elephant continued to evacuate his bowels on top ofhim," said flabbergasted Paderborn police detective Erik Dern. "With no onethere to help him, he lay under all that dung for at least an hour before awatchman came along, and during that time hesuffocated. "It seems to be just one of those freakaccidents that happen."

And this one is from my Aunt. Email me with letters for her and I'll forward them (she gets pissy if I give out her Email addy).

IN THE BEGINNING

In the beginning God created the heavens and the Earth. And the Earth was without form, and void, and darkness was upon the face of the deep

And Satan said, "It doesn't get any better than this."

And God said, "Let there be light," and there was light. And God said, "Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit," and God saw that it was good.

And Satan said, "There goes the neighborhood."

And God said, "Let us make Man in our image, after our likeness, and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air and over the cattle, and over all the Earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the Earth." And so God created Man in his own image; male and female created he them. And God looked upon Man and Woman and saw that they were lean and fit.

And Satan said, "I know how I can get back in this game."

And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

And Satan created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 99-cent double cheeseburger. And Satan said to Man, "You want fries with that?"

And Man said, "Supersize them." And Man gained 5 pounds.

And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair.

And Satan brought forth chocolate. And Woman gained 5 pounds.

And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."

And Satan brought forth Ben and Jerry's. And Woman gained 10 pounds.

And God said, "I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them."

And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter.

And Man gained 10 pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the roof. And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.

And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not

have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2.

And Man gained another 20 pounds. And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil." And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.

And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And he created sour cream dip also.

And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol. And Satan saw and said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest. And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

And Satan created HMO's.

And this one from my Mom...

Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?

Ask your mom.

What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts?

Her Navel.

What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?

A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?

"Are you sure it's mine?"

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?

Everyone has the same DNA.

A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman on Rodeo Drive and said "I haven't eaten anything in four days."

She looked at him and said, "God I wish I had your willpower."

> Did you hear about the Chinese couple who had a retarded baby?

They named him Sum Ting Wong.

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast?

They're hiring.

Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?

He walks around saying "Yo."

What's the difference between aLouisiana zoo, and a Northern zoo?

A Louisiana zoo has a description of the animal on the front the cage, along with a recipe.

How do you get a sweet little 80 year old lady to say F*#@?

Get another sweet little 80 year old lady to yell "Bingo"

What's the Cuban National Anthem?

Row row row your boat.

And Finally.....

What's the difference between a Northern fairytale and a Southern fairytale

A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time" A Southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit."


From my personal experience of being married to a Georgia man... (mouse?)The Southern version actually started like "Well, lemme tell y'all what happened th'other day."




Peace unto thy hearts and whatnot....