I'm sitting here, preparing to pump out yet another diary entry. *chuckles* I'm DLing from Napster at the moment. Two different techno remix's of the Carmina Burana. composed by Carl Orff.

If any of you have seen the movie Conan the Barbarian, you've heard part of the Carmina Burana. Regardless... the techno remix is awesome. And I've found two different versions so far. I'm just immersing myself in the music.

I would, however, like a little advice/assistance from some of you more experienced techies (comps, not music). My DL rate fluctuates a lot. I mean, a lot. It takes me about half an hour, on a good night, to DL a 6 meg song. Riveria Paradise was a bitch to DL... took just over an hour. Anyway, my DL rate fluctuates from .92 k/s to 5.83 k/s. It doesn't matter what I'm doing. Except most of the time I shut everything else down, no Yahell pager, no MSN Messenger, and most often no WP program either. Just Napster. And yet, it takes forever and a day to DL this stuff.

I don't think it's just the system, tho it might be. I've got a 486 still, but with a 133 prcessing speed... and at least 32 megs RAM, but I don't remember for sure. And, for all of you out there snickering and laughing at me because my system is so antiqueated... Just shush up. This system works well enough for me to pump out five entries in the past two days. *chuckles* And, it beats the hell out of my old system. (Oh, and the modem's a 56K)

My old beast was a 486/66 with 12 megs RAM and 14.4 modem. *chuckles* AND, I was still able to pump out the entries on that beastie. At least this one doesn't have a nervous break down after being on for 20 minutes. *grins*

So, I'm filling my ears with music, absolutely diving into the purity of sound. And it's so incredible. Absolutely incredible. I love this. It feels a lot like I have finally allowed myself to SEE the pictures in the museum.

It's actually hard for me to NOT sing. *chuckles* I have to be very careful at this time. these next three months are the most dangerous as far as the healing of my vocal chords are concerned. If I rush it, or push myself too fast, I could severly fuck up all chances of singing professionally. Not only that, but I could fuck up my voice so that I couldn't speak either. *smiles softly* I don't want that. I like being able to speak.

Ya know... I have to talk to Sympatico about his parentage. *chuckles* There's a chance that we know each other vicariously through our paternal parental units. I showed Mom the CD that my wonderful, bubble-wielding Sympatico made for me and thus the envlope and she was talking about the last name and how that was the name of one of the people my father worked for years upon years ago... And, the age difference would be about right. But, I think ti's just a coincedence. So, Sympatico, we are not work siblings. *chuckles quietly*

I sooooooo love music.

*chuckles quietly* Just figured I should put that one in there in case you hadn't figured this out yet.

Ya know.... I know that I've been extremely profuse in my conversaion about music as of late.... but I don't want you folks to think this is something new. It isn't. The new part is that I am allowing myself to admit who and what I am. I've been surpressing the truth of myself to me and everyone around me... *shrugs* I've made some very poor choices.

However, I'm starting over. *chuckles* And I feel so.... alive.

*laughs quietly at herself* I'm sure that I sound like a total freak-a-zoid to some of you. If that's true, then, get a new hobby. I like this part of me.

This reminds me of something my Mother told me when I was first dating that person from my past.... She told me that I never allowed myself to just have fun, to just enjoy what was going on around me. I had always been such a serious child. An incredibly serious child. I didn't laugh much when I was a kid. There are a lot of reasons for that. I'm not gonna bore you with a rehash of the details as I'm keeping the positive outlook today

Suffice it to say, I was a very serious child. The rules were very important to me. Keeping them meant everything. Doing it "right' was the most important part of being alive. Anyway... the guy I was involved with was very NON serious. In fact, he told jokes at every opportunity. ANd I do mean EVERY opportunity. I don't think I ever got a straight answer out of him but maybe three times in nearly six years of dealing with him on an almost daily basis.

Awe hell, this is pulling me into tangent-ville and I'd rather not go there tonight.

I was very serious as a child. Grew into a bitter and serious semi-adult and now that I"m 30, I"ve sort of decided to back off the serious part and explore the joy part.

We'll see how it goes.

Cigarette update... Wanted a smoke for about five minutes tonight.... just felt the urge to be doing something with my hands and mouth.... but it was while waiting for the damned songs to DL from Napster...... as soon as I brought up the WP program and started my entry, the desire went away. Thankfully. Cause I really don't wanna get off my ass to walk to the bar for a single smoke... I"m through with smoking. Don't need it anymore.

Peace unto thy hearts, mine dahlinks..... Ya know I love ya... Especially YOU!!!