===Beginning the evening with Iris: Goo Goo Dolls===

And I just got done with dinner with the folks. *shakes her head* I hate eating with that man. He's my Father, granted. I love him, granted. He's a pig! *bells and whistles sound, confetti and balloons descend from the rafters, the audience applauds and hoots and the announcer speaks out in an over-excited game-show tone of voice.... Why yes, that is the correct answer, thank you for being a contestant on NAME THAT SWINE!! For your participation, we're sending you a voucher for two free dinners at your favorite restaurant....... the voice trails off as I return to "reality"*

Well, How's that for irony?

C'est la vie, non? I just so detest having to sit through a meal with that man. he turns my insides into knots... and not the pleasant kind either. *shrugs*

===Now playing, Unforgiven Too: Metallica, followed by Low Man's Lyric: Metallica===

I told my Mom today that I had quit smoking. Instantly I wished I hadn't said anything. She immediately said something to the effect of, "I'll believe it when I see it." She told me that I'd quit quite a few times before, how did I know this time would be for real. *shakes her head* I know that what she says is true... I mean, how does she know I'm not gonna just jump back into smoking? But still... There was so much courage and excitement within me. I quit last Sunday and I haven't wanted a cigarette but twice in all that time. And I mean that. I wanted to smoke Sunday night. And once Tuesday night... but I didn't. *shakes her head*

I guess what I wanted was for her to just hear what I said and say, "Good, I"m proud of you." And leave it at that, ya know? No value judgements, no qualifiers, just that acceptance. I don't get that from Mom in our conversations. But ya know? I'm sure that for every one time she lets a value judgement slip, there are five more she's holding back. My mother is fairly judgemental. *shrugs*

However... the thing that I noticed tonight, in our dinner time interaction, was a new and somewhat disturbing turn of events. Throughout my life, Mom has almost always taken my side. Against Dad. Specifically because I'm her child...

--The whole family dynamic... Mom gave birth to me, adopted Dan, Married Bill, my step-father, there's your nut-shell--

Regardless, mom's been fairly consistantly on my side. She would watch the situations and see Dad baiting me and all, and he does... But, usually I just shut up and remain silent, sorta like the squeeky wheel shutting up so it doesn't drown in WD-40. *chuckles* So, tonight, Dad was being a disgusting slob, wolfing down his fourth helping as I was nearing the completion of my first (and only). I was sitting in silence... Dad was trying to engage in some light banter or some such... some conversation...

I'd make a point, he'd shoot me down. I'd shut up. He'd bring up another topic, I"d press my point, he'd shoot me down. Again, I'd shut up. Mom watched this and commented about how my sperm-donar never needed to win... how it was one of the things she admired.

===Now playing, Riveria Paradise: Stevie Ray Vaughan===

So, my instant reaction? Shit... perhaps if I just keep quiet and don't rise to his bait it'll smooth over and she won't be frustrated anymore Dad was, as always, oblivious. I just shut up and focused entirely on slicing the Brie for dessert. (Brie, Apples and Fudge. Nummy) Then Mom just gave me one of those looks..... Ya know, the kind that says, "It doesn't matter who's right or wrong, I'm siding with him."

that just kinda blew me out of the water on one level. I mean, I've been hoping for this for a long, long, long time. The primary relationship for my Mother... for the past 30 years, has been with me. Not her husband. That has always bothered me on one level, thrilled me on another.

Currently, my desire is that she will step back from me somewhat, and reattach to Dad. That's really what I want in my heart of hearts... cause then I wouldn't feel so damned guilty for wanting to go somewhere else. I wouldn't feel so bound to her ya know?

Don't get me wrong here, I truly love my mother with everything I am. But I would really like to separate from her somewhat.

===Now listening to, So Far I Have Not Found The Science: Soul Coughing (great, great song, suggested by Luc)===

So, I want every happiness for my Mother, AND for my Father. I want Mom to be happy and feel fulfilled and feel pleasure with her life. But I don't want to be her best friend anymore. *frowns* That's not what I mean. I still want to be her best friend... but I don't, too. *frowns again* I want her to build that bond with my Father.

===Now playing Carmina Burana, Techno Remix 4 meg version===

I know that there are some very large differences between men and women... Specifically, Men just don't seem to communicate on the same level as do women. And please, I don't mean that as a slam, but really... How many of you men actually read through the lines of what I write? In GENERAL circumstances, most women will read these entries and take away with them many new insights and thoughts. They'll be thinking about what they've read through most of the day, take what they can use and then store the rest in some storage bin of their mental computers.

Most males will read this, nod, take in what they want and then delete the rest from the hard drive. *chuckles softly*

===Now playing Original Prankster: Offspring (suggested by Sympatico)===

Okay, so that's a little over-simplified... but I'm serious... there are some very, very great differences between male and female conversation styles/input vs output and comprehension. If you want to communicate to the average male mind, you need to keep your comments fairly brief and very direct, to the point. I highly suggest 25 words or less.

That was definately my ex. About 10 words or less was preferable. Regardless, I know that there are some males in this diaryland world who actually delve into the minds of those who's diaries they read. And great, wonderful... but it's not "normal"

===Now listening to, Ball and Chain: Social Distortion (suggested by Flatline)===

--Ya know, I have to start typing that out in copy/paste mode, cause it's taking me too long to actually type that fresh every time.... Perhaps I should just post a list of the things I'm listening to before each post..... dunno..... I just like adding the music I'm listening to. Sorta stole that from Louis--

So, I know that Mom would still be missing that conversation aspect of our relationship... but... *shrugs* I don't know. See... My folks, just a couple weeks ago, made a week-long trek to Oakland from Long Beach (Cali and Washington, respectively) When they got back here, Mom was crying/depressed cause they'd been gone for a whole week and hadn't talked at all. No deep, conversation. She said she felt like she was a hitch hiker or something... no conversation beyond the weather and surface crap.

*shakes her head* My suggestion to her? "Tell him you want to have a conversation with him. Not just that, but that you would like him to talk with you, to share information or opinions with you." She nodded slightly, but didn't comment.

===Now playing, Carmina Burana Techno Remix 6 meg version... this one is better in my opinion, but they're both great===

There was a thing like that which happened recently... Mom had been with Dad doing something and she came back dissatisfied. I looked at her and asked what the problem was... got the debrief and all then I told her this... "If you want him to hold you, ask him to hold you. He's willing, he just doesn't know that's what you want. Merely tell him you'd like him to hold you for a while as you watch TV or something."

Now, for those of you males who read this... Was that advice okay? I mean... Do you men just look at we women and think we're greedy and lecherous and want nothing more than to devour your souls?

*looks at Flatline* You're not allowed to answer this one... You're entering your "I hate people" stage. *winks*

Regardless... I am of the opinion that you males are NOT mind-readers and that you are not able to look at a woman and tell instantly when she wants to be held vs when she wants to be left alone.

===Now listening to, Everything You Want:Verticle Horizon===

He's everything you want
He's everything you need
He's everything inside of you that you wish you could be
He said all the right things
At exactly the right time
But he means nothing to you and you don't know why

And you'll just sit tight
and watch it unwind
it's only what you're askin for
and you'll be just fine
with all of your time
it's only what you're waiting for

*shakes her head* I love those lyrics.

===Now playing A variety of polkas from Wierd Al Yankovic... (cmon, can you imagine the Back Seat Toys in polka? Or Bitchney Queers? Or Metallica? Or Everclear? *grins* Trust me... very, very funny stuff. Specifically the ChumbaWumba stuff)===

So... this is the bottomline deal.... I love my Mother very much and I want her to be happy. But in order for me to be any good to a husband, I need to have some real independance, meaning, I have to have a place of my own where I have firmly centered my personality... I have to be a whole person in and of myself before I can offer who and what I am to someone else. And, I have a very limited time in which to do so.

Part of that preparing to be my own person means that I will not be Mom's sole emotional support. That is God's place. And usually God answers that need in the form of a spouse... but not always.... Well.... I'm not really firm on that belief yet... I'm not sure about the wording tho I have the idea.

Suffice it to say, Mom is beginning to side with her husband. And, about 90% of my psyche is thrilled for that. That small 10% however, is rather pissed. As now I'm not the "favorite" anymore. *chuckles*

Anyway... I should be going.... I'm sure I've bolixed up some of this entry, specifically later... as it's hard for me to concentrate on the writing when I"ve got Madona Polka Style pouring into my ears. *smirks* OH, and this song..... You folks just HAVE to DL this one.... It's hillarious..... Weanie In a Bottle Wierd Al Yankovic Please, please, please DL this. Please. *laughs* I'll be online on Napster under the ID TigreFatalis, but I'd highly suggest you DL it from someone else, as my comp tends to just shut down every once in a while. A lot of canceled transfers and such.

But, please, DL that song. It's funny as hell.

And, on that note... Peace unto thy hearts, friend and family...