===Opening tonight's playlist... So Far I Have Not Found The Science: Soul Coughing===

Today was the last day of this past, week-long celebration/Feast/religious meeting/retreat type thing... It was good to go if for only one reason... I met up with Ben and Paynter today. *grins*

===Now Playing Far Behind: Candle Box===

I haven't seen the two of them since Feast last year. Tho I used to hang with them all the time. They were a couple of the people I had as friends. Paynter actually created a whole RPG, world, scenarios, rating systems, adventures, character types, etc. It's way cool and we used to play quite often. I really miss that. There was a whole lot that I have missed out on since getting married. From my wedding day all my social activities were cut off... It's been six years since I've had any social life to speak of....

===Now Playing It's My life: Bon Jovi===

Anyway... Paynter I met through Butch, Lovell, Jerey, Du-glenda...... The "group" I was never actually a part of that group, I just stood on the outside of it. *chuckles* That's kind of the way I've always been. Hell, we were a gropu made up of the outsiders. If we did something together, we did something together... if not, we didn't. *chuckles* And, I was usually in my own little corner even when we were together as a group. Being issolating even in a small-ass group of issolators. *chuckles*

===Now Playing Techno Remix Carmina Burana: Carl Orff (4 meg)===

So, I met up with Ben and Paynter. Paynter is John Paynter, by the way, comp genius. Absolute genius. He laughs at me when I tell him what system I have. Not to be mean, but hell, he just recently got a laptop that kicks my desk top back into the prehistoric regions it came from. *chuckles* And Paynter.... damn, he's got a creative side you'd be surprised about. When you look at him, you see "computer geek" *grins, winking* And YES, I gave both Ben and Paynter the addy for this Diary. Dunno if either of them will read it, but just in case.... Love you Paynter. You're my favorite. *grins*

So, today was good because I got to see some people I used to hang with... I got to see...... *drum roll sounds in the background* IRL Friends. *grins* You in this diaryland community are marvelous and wonderful people, but there's just something to be said for human contact.

===Now Playing Memphisto: DePeche Mode (awesome instrumental... twisted)===

So, Paynter and I have always been friends as in pals, buds, hang-out-and-RP kind of friends... Ben and I, on the other hand, have always been a little closer... There's never been anything sexual, nothing even remotely relationship-esque... but Ben and I have always been close. I like him a lot... always have.

And he's an incredible artist. And I don't mean that in the "oh he draws nice pictures" kind of sense... I mean that in the "Hot Damn that's incredible" kind of sense. I've known Ben since I was about.... hmmmm... 8-ish. I was just a short, skinny red headed girl with scabbed up knees, big, wide green eyes and a face that never smiled. We're the same age, Ben and I. He was about 8-ish and had never before seen a girl when he met me. *chuckles*

We spoke about that a little bit today. I miss him.

*shrugs* But, c'est la vie, non? Oui.

===Now Playing The Flame: Cheap Trick===

I remember when Ben and I met for "real". Dad had commissioned some artwork from Ben's mom... She was really good too. Not as good as Ben, but really good.

Anyway... My Brother and I walked with Ben toward their cabin... Ben and HIS brother Dan *grins* lived in a cabin about half a mile from their folk's cabin... rural, wonderful... it was a great place... Out close to Duval... Most of you will never know where that is. It doesn't matter.

Suffice it to say, I was about 11, maybe 12, still very yougn, innocent and naive... I didn't know jack shit about anything.... and I was raised in a household where men were supposed to protect and dfend women. Not that they did, but they were supposed to. *chuckles quietly*

It was just after dusk... Ben had a flashlight but wasn't willing to use it as he could see better without it. (anyone who does any walking at night knows this quite well) So, I was scared and nervous and actually expecting Ben to be somewhat protective. He had been raised to be nice to girls. To be protective of them. But... he wasn't. He just told me that I should keep up or the bears would get me and he woudln't stop them.

*laughs*

I don't remember if those were his exactly words, but that was the gist.

===Now Playing You Saw My Blinker, Bitch: DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince===

=====I love this song... heard it for the first time about six years ago as my favorite karaoke host was singing to it. I love it so very much...======

Anyway, over the years, Ben and I have had a lot of time to cement a good, solid friendship. For instance... there's no one else I'd trust so much after they'd scared me so badly and so many times. *grins* Ben always had this very soft, gentle voice. He was not a cold or harsh man, he was gentle and well mannered.

And yet, in his quiet, gentle, soft-spoken manner... he could still scare the shit out of me. *laughs softly* At that singles dance, when I was 17, he came up behind me, completely silent, and in a gruff, low voice said, "Ahhh, There's the red hair I needed for my beard"

*laughs hard*

I didn't have the foggiest idea who he was. I whilled around, terrified, looking at this figure, dressed in an old Norseman's outfit... looking like a hairy Viking. *laughs* He has that body shape I like so much too... Thick, somewhat square, solid. I know I"m not gonna hurt him if I fall or somethin ya know?

*shake sher head*

But anyway...

===Now Playing Bitch: Paula Cole (Actually, Meridith Brooks did it, but on Napster it was listed as Paula Cole)===

So... Ben absolutely flipped me out that night. There was another night when his fam was over to our house... I"d gone up to my room to get some paper and drawing stuff.... and I came out of my room "knowing" I was alone upstairs. *grins* I turn to head down the stairs and out of the silence comes a very soft, very gentle, "Boo" *laughs hard*

I flipped out. I just absolutely flipped out. And he just looked at me as if to say... "You should be more allert to your surroundings" *laughs*

===Now Playing Techno Remix Carmina Burana: Carl Orff (6 meg version)===

there's just something I miss so much about Ben. He never judged me. And, he never lied to me. If I asked him a question, he would answer me. He didn't spare my feelings. He didn't want to hurt me, but he also never sugar coated it. And I respect that so ver much. That's an extremely uncommon trait in today's human male. And, I don't mean that to be insulting. Hell, I don't mean that every male in this world "lies". I just mean that there are very, very few males out there who will answer you honestly. completely honestly.

Ben was always that way. He would look me straight in the eyes and would deal straightforwardly with me. He would never mince words and he would never sugar coat his comments.

There was one night when I was complaining about my weight. It just really, really bothered me. And Ben listened to me bitch and bitch and bitch. I didn't complain at him as if it were his fault... but I carried on for a record amount of time (about 20 minutes... That's about all I can deal with when actually talking to someone... after 20 minutes I feel so stupid for talking about it that I tend to shut up rather quickly.

Regardless... I told him my opinion and he looked at me and described how he "saw" my size/physicality...

===Now Playing Techno Remix Carmina Burana: Carl Orff (6 meg Version)===

He said that I was a real person, but with K-2 insultion wrapped around me, and when I no longer needed that protection I would simply unwrap it. For those of you who don't know what K-2 insulation is, It's that thick padding that folks wrap around water heaters. It makes the water heater appear to be about twice its normal size.

So, I have thought about that often. Very often. And it makes me smile every time. I seee Ben's kind eyes and the honesty in his voice and I just..... I so appreciate that.

But, for those of you who think there might be a budding romance here... A long-lost love coming back into my life.... *chuckles* There was never a romance there. There has never been anything mroe intimate than a hug in public... at church, no less.

Ya know... Ben was there and sort of watched over me while I was so Suicidal... there ws a time when I was highly self damaging. I would carve my wrists and arms with razor blades just to watch the blood well up just to the edges of the slight cut... it would look like I'd been really badly scratched... many, mnay, many times.

Ben saw those marks and asked me about them once. I just pulled my sleeves down a little further and changed the subject. He watched me, just sitting/standing there, watching me... as if his silence would compell me to answer him. *chuckles* It did. But I didn't know it would. *smiles softly* Ben has always been very good to me when it mattered. He would tease me and play rough... but if I actually got hurt, he was quick to apologize and apply whatever salve the wound needed... whether it was emotional, psychological or physical..

He didn't accept weakness in the form of whining or petulance.... but he would accept my yielding, or aknowledging that he won.... he would also concede the draw if we were at a stale mate. In words, pool, conversation, etc.

===Now Playing Land of Confusion: Genesis===

I remember onc time when we were at Feast in Spokane. There was a whole group of us going out to lunch at one of the popular theme restaurants out there. *chuckles* Let's see... Butch was there... Paynter, I think... tho I'm not sure. I think Shelley and Doug were there too, tho it might have been just Butch, Ben, Shelley, Paynter and me....

*frowns, thinking*

IN all honesty, I think there were a lot of us there, but the only people I was actually hanging with were Butch and ben. *chuckles* I don't remember if Paynter were there or not... I just can't remember.

However.... Ben and I were standing there as we were waiting to be seated... we had like a 45/50 minute wait. And Ben and I started playing Mercy. *laughs* Ya know, that game where you interlace your fingers and try to bend the other person's fingers/wrist back until they ask for mercy...

We stood there, deadlocked, both hands locked... wrists locked, not moving, knuckles white from the strain, tho neither of us showed the strain anywhere else. I figured I had the advantage as I played piano all the time and practiced daily, thus had to have strong wirsts.... But, Ben was a baker at the time and spent hours every morning kneeding dough. *chuckles*

After nearly 50 minutes we called it a draw. And both of us had white, numb fingers for a good long while after that. *alughs softly*

That's what I miss about having friends.

===Now Playing TubThumping: Chumbawamba===

But... life is good. And it was wonderful seeing Ben and Paynter again. when I get my liscense in order once again, I'm going to spend a couple days, go up to Shelton and hang with Butch, and Ben again. Currently Paynter is in Texas on a comp project. Once he's done with that project, he'll be moving back to Chi-town. *chuckles* He likes Chi-town. *shrugs* I like the ocean.

This was a good day. And my head is filled with pleasant memories. And the desire to meet up with my friends from RL, whom I haven't seen for years upon years....

===Now Playing Everything You Want: Verticle Horizon===

I am everything you want
I am everything you need
I am everything inside of you that you wish you could be

I said all the right things
at exactly the right time
but I mean nothing to you and I don't know why

Peace unto thy hearts, my dear friends. Thank you for sharing this joy and these pleasant memories. And for those of you who know Paynter and Ben... Give them a hug for me, k? They need the affirmation.