===Beginning our Playlist So Far I Have Not Found The Science: Soul Coughing -- Suggested by Luc===

Well, welcome to a new day. *chuckles* I spent a few hours outside the house, writing and such. So, I'm going to transcribe my entry from the notebook inwhich I started it... then I'll complete it. I already typed out all the songs on my song list so I won't have to interrupt the entry to type out what songs I"m listening to, however, I will continue to write during each particular song. Meaning, All this is being written while listening to Soul Coughing. Etc. *shrugs*

Until I find a way to denote actual pauses and such, actual thought... You'll have to deal with thinking that it takes me forever and a day to type simple sentences. *grins, winking*

===Now Playing Techno Carmina Burana: Carl Orff 4 meg===

Anyway... without further ado... here we are...

There have been many dedications to loved ones lately. People have been talking about lovers, mates, girlfriends and boyfriends. People talking about those they have and those they don't... those they want and those they could never have...

I was a part of that group. But, I don't think I will speak (in THIS diary) about that anymore. I don't have a husband/lover/boyfriend at this time and the only person I'm interested in is too far away fro it to matter. Sorry Sympatico, I know you want me to move into your bubble, but it just isn't going to happen.

Regardless, I have fallen into the habit of talking about the guy I'm interested in. This will be the alst entry I post about him unless something mjajor changes... Or rather, the last time I will post in this public diary. I'll continue to express my thoughts and feelings, but I'll do it in my private diary so that I'm not boring the people who read this. *chuckles* I hate sounding like I'm obsessing. *winks*

He and I have been conversing a lot through the last six or seven months. We've known each other for a little over three years. He cares about me and wants me to be safe and happy.......

===Now Playing Original Prankster: Offspring -- Suggested by Sympatico===

.... however, he has never told me he wants a relationship with me. He has never spoken of love for me and he has never asked me for a relationship. Therefore, there is no reason for me to create a relationship where there is none.

So, now what? If my focus is no longer on a man, or somesuch, then what am I to think about? What am I to write about to keep my loyal and long-suffering readers interested, hmmmm???

I figure the focus of my life should be on a few things, in this specific order...

Employment

Liscense

Truck

Apartment/Condo/House

I've spent a long time in my life worried/concerned about how life is going for me, what good I'd be for a man, who will come and rescue me from this dull existance etc. I do want to be married again, I do want to have a family, I do want to have a home and share it with a man who loves me....

===Now Playing Ball And Chain: Social Distortion -- Suggested by Flatline===

But, what good could I possibly be to anyone else if I'm hypocritical about my own advice? If you want something to be different in your life, then change it. Bitching about what you don't have won't get the things you want, it only pisses people off. So, either get off your ass and do something about your situation or quit bitching and accept it!!!

Sounds like reasonable advice to me. And, it's advice I've given many people. Yet, I look around me and find myself in the same position I was in previously. I see myself following the same self-destructive cycle. I know that life is cyclical, but that doesn't mean I have to remain in the SAME cycle all my life. I can shift to a different path and cycle. So, that's what I"m doing now.

I suppose this current set of complaints/bitching/whining/whatever, is part of the whole "what do I have to offer a man" thing... But, really, what does it matter WHY you improve yourself if the end result is improving yourself, hmmm? I mean, If my immediate goal is to become true and complete... whole... healthy, does it matter if I reach that goal because I want a man in my life? Seriously. I would greatly appreciate your input on this matter.

===Now Playing Techno Carmina Burana: Carl Orff 6 meg===

I had a realization the other day... in my current state, I have very little to offer. I need to know who and what I am (I've admited who and what I am), AND, I need to know that instinctually as well as mentally. I need to LIVE who and what I am. Instead of just knowing it, I have to live it.

I got this "realization" through yet another dream (tie in to the entries about how I've been dreaming more often lately and how I think that's an indication of my becoming more healthy). I just got this picture of having a place to put my china. That may sound corny to you, but bear with me a moment if you will... If I don't have a place to put my things, there isn't a place for ME. If I don't have a place for my things, emotionally, psychologically, physically, whatever... then there isn't a "me".

The analogy I come up with here is this... I am like clay... malleable and adjustable. Not really formed. I can be made to fit a specific space, persona, idea... whatever. There is a form within me, tho... there is a "person" within this malleable substance. It hasn't solidified yet, but it's there...

===Now Playing Everything You Want: Verticle Horizon===

However, when I come in contact with someone else, I tend to take on whatever shape I think they want me to have. I did that with my ex. I was still very soft and malleable, but far less so than I am now. I knew what I liked and I did it. I was very confident in what I wanted and very definate.... on the outside. But, the more time I spent with him, the less I resembled that which I was when we met. I became TOO soft. A certain amount of flexibility is necessary when you deal with someone else, but if you suddenly lose form and revert to some substance neither of you recognizes, how can that other person hope to deal with it?

If YOU don't know who and what you are, how can someone else hope to deal with that?

This creates confusion and irritation with the other person because I am no longer that which they were attracted to in the first place.

===Now Playing Sleepwalker: Wallflowers -- Suggested by Sympatico===

So, when I was with my ex, I became too soft and without form... the confidence faded away and melted into nothing... I wasn't quite ready to live with someone else when I married him. I tend to think that any marriage... any person I'd been with, would have failed. Because many of the problems were within me. Completely internal.

Suffice it to say, I melted into just wet clay... not even clay anymore, there was no consistancy whatsoever... I was just the mud. *chuckles at the visual* Regardless... the "knowledge" that has come to me recently is that I need to continue along the path I've been moving. But, what's more, I have to solidify into this form.

===Now Playing Polka Power: Wierd Al Yankovic===

I'm not saying that I have to become unmoveable like ceramic, but I do need to solidify. I need to become like the bendable figures... (much as I hate gumby, this is the only commonly known "toy" I can think of) similar to the Gumby dolls... They're bendable, they can be made to fit in most spaces...but they don't lose their basic shape.

I think that in order for me to do that, I must spend some time living alone. *smiles softly* That thought scares the shit out of me and excites me to no end. *smiles*

I want to have a place of my own, where I can put my China in my Armoire.

===Now Playing Hooked on Polkas: Wierd Al Yankovic===

*smiles softly, releasing a tender sigh* If I'm going to be married to someone, there are certain responsibilities I will have. Thsoe include keeping up the house, cooking, designing/decorating the house, making it a home, providing my husband with a place where he can open the door, come in and leave the cold, angry, violent world behind him.

I have certain expectations for a husband, and I"m sure he will have certain expectations of a wife. These are NOT universal, tho they are largely accepted/expected in the societies I"ve watched here in the US.

I expect my husband to support me and the family. I expect him to be the primary "breadwinner". I expect him to support me financially, emotionally, psychologically and spiritually. I expect him to be in charge of the finances and balance his own check book. Expect him to make a budget AND stick to it.

===Now Playing Weanie In A Bottle: Wierd Al Yankovic===

If he doesn't like taking over the finances, or if he doesn't like making a budget, I'm really good at looking at how much money is coming in and how much needs to go where on whichever date. I like and enjoy creating a budget, BUT, if I create a budget that he agrees with, I ernestly and honestly expect him to keep to it. (really, really pissed me off with the ex)

I know that the man I marry this next time is NOT going to be my ex and it is vitally important to me that I never, ever compare him. I just find it hard to keep that comparison out of my writing.

===Now Playing Far Behind: CandleBox -- Suggested by Charles===

Perhaps I should say it like this...

There's a lot of stuff I learned while being married the first time. A lot. There are warning signs that I see in people... things that I noticed, similarities between the ex and some of the people I deal with online. And there are some things I see myself doing wrong all over again. About 90% of the time, when I mention the ex it is a reminder to myself alone, that there's an error I'm stepping into. It's like those cars that have the warning beep as you brush against the curb or something...

My mention of the ex is that little warning beep. Instead of that recorded voice saying, "The door is ajar." or "You've left the dome light on AGAIN, you idiot" it says something like... "This is what happened just before Duncan reacted this way... do you want to repeat the process?" Or "Wake up, dorkus majorus, you're about to shove your foot so far down your throat you'll be able to stir the contents of your stomach with your toes!"

Or something like that. *chuckles, winking*

===Now Playing Memphisto: DePeche Mode===

So, I use the mention of my ex as a bumper for my own self. away from this diary? I think I've mentioned Duncan three times in the past year and a half. And each time it has been in response to someone else asking me about him. *shrugs* At least my Mother has stopped asking me if I regret getting divorced... if I regret leaving Duncan/miss having him around.

And, for those of you who might be curious... *chuckles* NO, I do not regret leaving Duncan. It was a situation that was killing me. I do NOT miss having him around. I am thrilled to bits that he's in Florida. BUT, I do still feel bad about getting divorced. Not because it involved leaving Duncan, but because I married him when I knew I didn't want him in the first place. Because I became what I thought he wanted and I was wrong. And, because I made a hell of a lot of mistakes in that relationship.

I suppose this is one of the reasons I am so happy that the guy I'm interested in now and I have had no sexual conversations. Nothing sexual at all. Not even sensual. I like that so very much. Because... And yes, I'm about to launch into yet another tirade... *chuckles*

===Now Playing Invisible Touch: Genesis===

Because, when you focus on sex in a relationship, your relationship is nothing but sex. And when the sexual excitement/arousal/interest fades... there's nothing left. Specifically for women. Or rather, specifically for me. *chuckles* I suppose I should be speaking about myself as this is my diary and I have no real right to be speaking in such general terms.

For me personally, I believe that sexual contact belongs inside marriage only. And that's conversation, touching, the act, kissing... all of it. I believe that sex was designed to bind one man to one woman. Not many. One on one.

*shrugs*

Another of the mistakes I made with Duncan was thinking that we could work through our basic psychological/emotional differences based on "love". *rolls her eyes* I have said it before, folks and I will say it again, the conventional interpretation of the word "love" is bullshit. Complete and utter bullshit.

===Now Playing You Saw My Blinker, Bitch: DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince (twice)===

I know that many of you don't agree. I know that most of you don't agree... But I would like feedback from those of you who have been married a while and from those of you who are older than I am.

So, Uncle Bob, Marn and Charles I"d really appreciate your feed back. You three are the only ones I am SURE of which are of comperable age or a little older than I. I would ask my Mother but I really don't want to listen to the four hour lecture that will come with it. Talk about verbose. *chuckles*

This is specifically what I'm asking for... the conventional interpretation of "love" is a syruppy, romantic entity... as if there were some internal, magical power behind the word. It seems to me that as of late, most people think that love is something great and all powerful. *frowns* That's not what I mean. What I mean is this... I hear the phrase, "I love you" all the time. It's spoken by people all the time. Friends to friends, lovers to lovers, children to parents, boyfriends to girlfriends (and vice versa). My ex said it all the time. My ex said it the night we met. I had a boyfriend long ago (Dallas --- I'll tell his story soon) who said that phrase to me all the damned time.

But it didn't seem to mean anything coming from him, or from much of anyone.

===Now Playing Bitch: Meridith Brooks===

My interpretation of the word "love" is the biblical interpretation. I Corinthians 13. When God tells me He loves me, I know He means it. When I hear the people today talking about how much they love each other, and how love can conquer anything, I scoff and snear because the word is used too much and for too many different things.

If a man truly loves a woman, he would not, In my opinion, want to be with ANYONE else. His primary focus would be her. No one else would draw his attention for more than a cursory glance....

===Now Playing Land Of Confusion: Genesis===

*frowns* Okay, I'm not communicating this the way I want to. *puases to think about this and try to put it into words*

There are many different kinds of love. Infatuation... where one sees something they admire and appreciate in someone/thing else. Lust... where one sees something they want/need in someone/thing else. Devotion... where one sees something in someone/thing else which pulls at their soul, their mind, their heart, their spirit and prompts them to dedicate/devote/promise their life/effort to this other person/thing.

===Now Playing It's My Life: Bon Jovi===

And then Love which is a combination of the above three PLUS a bond built over time which makes it possible to smooth over the irritations, sharp edges, pains and heart aches which arise in any interpersonal relationship. Love is the bond, devotion, seal, promise, vow between one's true nature, true self and another's true nature, true self... bound together and woven through with the spirit.

Thus, this real and true Love is rarely, if ever, reached by most of the people of these past few generations because time is not given to the relationship... because time is a necessary ingredient to building real and true Love.

===Now Playing Polka Your Eyes Out: Wierd Al Yankovic===

And, that is why I don't believe in "love at first sight". Love at first sight is something created for those infatuated and lustful of another. Those who want to sell greeting cards and boxes of chocolates and bumper stickers and stories and such.

I believe that Love is something you can not instantly feel. Love is something which grows and is built, which comes upon you because you have made a conscious choice to give your life, your heart, your mind, your soul to building something greater than either you or your mate could ever be alone.

And, I believe that Love can not truly be formed if God is not involved in your relationship. Whatever God you believe in. There has to be a third ingredient in order for Love to actually solidify.

===Now Playing The Flame: Cheap Trick===

*smiles softly* Well, that's my opinion anyway. I would like feed back from Uncle Bob, Marn and Charles as you are the people who have gained a lot of maturity through life experience which most of those younger than I have not.

And please, I am not trying to be insulting here, tho I'm sure many of you will feel slighted or insulted in some way. I know that you younger generations have great intelligence and great insight... but please... hear me out... If you have NOT been in a relationship with the same person for more than 10 years, you really don't know what I"m getting at. Many of you think that sex is something to be engaged in casually. Many of you think that "love" is simply giving your body to another. Many of you think that I'm totally loopy. *shrugs* That's cool too.

But.... I'm sorry for the offense this will cause... I simply don't believe anyone under the age of 24 could possibly understand the full ramifications of Love. Perhaps there are a few of you who have been parents for a while, who look into your child's eyes and you KNOW that there is absolutely nothing you would not do to make that child happy, healthy and better than you could ever be. Those of you who feel that way, who truly feel that way and make choices which put your child's happiness and safety above your own... You know what Love is.

===Now Playing Never Let You Go: Third Eye Blind===

I know that I've probably offended quite a few of you. Most likely I've pissed off a few of you. Possibly I've offended and pissed off some of you who have previously really enjoyed and respected me. *shrugs, smiling sadly* If that is so, then I have lost precious friends and acquaintences who are special to me. However, this is what I believe, and until I am proven differently for MY life, I will continue to believe this.

For those of you who might be offended... whatever works for your life is good for your life. I'm not trying to tell you that you don't have a "love" in your life. But I don't believe that true and honest and real Love can be understood by anyone who hasn't been in a real and lasting relationship for an extended period of time (more than 8 years) or who hasn't had a child that they would give anything for.

I know there are parents out there who don't love their children. Trust me, I've done Respite Care. I've babysat often. I've worked in quite a few counseling offices and I"ve spoken to so damned many people over the 'Net. I know there are some people who consider their children to be an inconvenience.

===Now Playing TubThumping: ChumbaWamba===

*smiles softly* I will not be a mother who would rather go out and party every night than make sure her children are fed, clothed, dry, safe and happy. I will not be a mother who would rather snort a line than save their child from jumping off a cliff. *smiles softly*

However, I"ve already gone into my lecture on parentage and how the children are the most important "thing" in this world. THE most important.

*sighs softly, thinking*

I suppose I should just end this here as there's really no reason for me to continue pounding my point home. Those of you who agree, agree. Those of you who don't, aren't going to no matter how long I talk. And those of you who are ambivilant on the topics discussed, you will remain ambivilant until you make your choices. I'm not going to be making your choices. Not ever. They're yours to make.

*smiles softly once again*

===Now Playing Everything You Want: Verticle Horizon===

*sighs* You do what you can with what you've got.

Peace unto thy hearts.

I get knocked down
but I get up again
You're never gonna keep me down
I get knocked down
but I get up again
You're never gonna keep me down
I get knocked down
but I get up again
You're never gonna keep me down
I get knocked down
but I get up again
You're never gonna keep me down