Short entry today, folks. I have some RP stuff to take care of. A possible wedding for one of my characters, and I'd like to have most of the description work done before I actually get into chat. It cuts down a major portion of the chatting effort. *chuckles* When you're prepared, even just a little, it make the experience a little more enjoyable.

Besides that, I have work tomorrow, I can't stay on too late. *rolls her eyes*

And, there's a chance that the wedding won't even take place. One of the players is sick and might be too sick to play. But, it's all good. We'll work through it somehow.

*chuckles quietly*

I'm a little........ well..... depressed doesn't seem to be the right word, but then it does. So, I guess... ambivilantly depressed would more accurately describe this. I"m oscilating between just mellow and actually depressed. *smiles softly*

Two years ago my divorce was made final. That doesn't depress me.

When I think about having been divorced for two years, I am a little sadened that the marriage didn't work, but I'm not depressed about the guy I married.

So, I'm a little confused. Part of me says that the natural thing is for me to feel depressed and morose. But, the majority of me says, "Huh? This is a special day? Oh, cool." then goes back to whatever it was doing in the first place.

The part that really does sadden me... the part that has any hope of depressing me... is the fact that this is the day Duncan gave back the Bolo. *smiles tenderly*

I'm sure I described it a number of times. But, this was the first gift I ever gave him. I traded a week's worth of work for this Bolo. Abalone and Ivory I think. It's in brown tones and irridescent rainbow (the abalone shell) But, the guy had a retail price of 60 bucks on it.

I didn't have the money, so I, instead, made a deal with him. I"d trade some leather pouches and such that I made and would make, to him... in a straight across trade. I worked about 65 hours on those pouches, purses and wallets. The only "machine" part was the hole puncher. I tied them and bound them with leather strips. black, brown, blue, gray... every modest color you could think of. rough leather, suede and polished leather.

I worked on those for about 7 hours a day, while watching TV or talkin with Mom or whatever... I just wanted to give Duncan a gift that was NICE. Not some chintzy little doll or teady bear. Tho I gave him plenty of stuffies. (only one of which was actually "cute" I still don't do "cute")

But, this was to be, in my mind, a gift that showed my devotion to whatever commitment he was willing to make. A gift to say thank you for being there, and a gift that said he was important to me. I'mportant enough for me to work the leather until my fingers bled. Well... until they were sore. Hey, cutting fringe with a razor blade is tough.

Anyway, into that Bolo went my love, my time, my effort, my sweat. It was something I worked for. The equivilant, in time, at a mainstream job... If I were working in Seattle or some such, for 65 hours or so, with the skills I had then, I"d be makin about 7 bucks an hour. And... well... you do the math.

*smiles softly*

Regardless... it was something that I spent a lot of effort on. I was humiliated and ridiculed by the person I'd made the deal with and it wasn't until my Father bitched him out (and, the Bolo broke) that I was able to get the Bolo.

so, bottom line. It was a tremendous effort to get that particular piece of jewelry. After I'd gone through the work and the degredation and getting my Dad to stand up for me, I still had to repair it. *smiles softly*

*shrugs* It's something I thought of as beautiful that would accent his coloring... it would show him as having class. It would show him how much I was willing to work for him. That I was willing to put my own likes, desires, wants, needs and cravings aside for him. That I would be willing to put up with the ridicule and scorn of those around me... for him.

This shouldn't really bother me at all. Hell... we each make poor choices in our lives. I just pray that each of you chooses something else. Cause the way I did it, didn't work.

I think the reason I'm so ticked off at getting the Bolo back is because.... well... because it wasn't Duncan that gave it back. I mean, he did the physical giving the bolo back to me and all, but what he said.... "Kitty thought you'd want this back."

*shakes her head*

I still have a hell of a lot of anger for her. I don't know exactly why. Mostly because she orchestrated the entire situation. No, the reason I'm pissed with her is because I followed her orchestration. That's the part that ticks me off. Not that she was sneaky, devious and mean as a fuckin snake, but that I fell for it. I called her my friend.

She and Robyn both had the same spirit.

Forther, take this anger...

*exhales slowly*

Anyway... Yeah, the part that bothers me is not so much that I have the bolo and he doesn't, but that she prompted him to give it back. I thought about giving it to someone else, because it still represents so much of my effort... it still represents work that I did, and it's beautiful.

*shakes her head*

But, anyone I give it to would be tainted by her touch. And I refuse to have even one more of my friends touched by the evil that is Patricia Hampton. That bitch doesn't give a damn about those she hurts. Just as long as she gets her way.

And she's decaying.

I really shouldn't be upset about this. He only wore it once. In the nearly five years that he had it, he only wore it once. And only for an hour. He didn't like it. He never did like it. *smiles sadly, closing her eyes*

I think I'm going to stop this. I don't want to think about this anymore. And it's not important anyway. Maybe I'll sell the bolo on Ebay or something. *chuckles* It's beautiful and in excellent condition. But still... I don't really want to spread Patricia's touch anywhere else.

Dunno what I'm gonna do about it.

But, that's the only reason I feel depressed on the 17th of November. I turned 30 two months ago, to the day. I got divorced two years ago, to the day. I have three more years to be ready to release my second album, be expecting my first child and get my truck. It's going to happen. I know it will.

Praise God for keeping me alive this long. There were times when I wasn't sure I would make it through the night.

(not recently, of course)

Anyway... I have a few things to prepare for this "wedding" tonight. Dunno if all the players are actually gonna show... but we'll see.

Love and such to you and yours.