====Music to veg-out to... Amp: Fluke====

As you've probably already guessed, I'm vegin out. *chuckles* Another day at work. *le sigh* I put in another six hours today. I'm really tired of numbers.

Right now, I'm going to give my disclaimer. I'm tired. My brain is mush. I can actually hear the sloshing within. I do not, under any circumstances, claim that what I say today will make sense. I do not claim that it's right/wrong/inbetween. I'm about to just shut down and let the music dictate what will come from my fingers.

This might turn into nothing but a bunch of words shoved together into a vast array of disorder. I will probably run along with the tangents more rapidly than usual. There will probably be very little semblance of order... but I'm really, really hoping that something cool will be created.

Whatever comes out is coming through the music. It might be pure fiction, it might be real-life stories about me. I don't know. There's no preperation here except, I've already done the listing songs and such.. I figure subject changes will be quick and hazardous. Just a guess.

So, enjoy, and tell me what you think about all this mumbo-jumbo. I'll probably re-read this entry, specifically, after Turkey Day as I'm going to be busy until then.

I'm watching my niece and nephew tomorrow, and most likely, I'll be working in the morning. *rolls her eyes* This is the most packed and energetic week I've had for a while, and it's only monday.

I'm not looking forward to spending time with my family, just because I get owly. And, at this specific time in my own body's cycle, I'm more tired and get frustrated far easier than at most other times. I will enjoy seeing my Grandmother tho. I haven't seen her since Summer, and that was a brief visit.

====Music to veg-out to... Bermuda: Fluke====

So, anyway, I'm crawling around inside my head right now. My eyes are closed, so forgive the typo's. There's a slight pain in my left angkle. Actually, just above the ankle on the outside. It feels a little like someone's diging around in the vein, looking for something. It's not really painful, just kinda like a twitch that hasn't actually reached the surface yet. It's wierd.

My feet hurt today. Dunno exactly why. It's not like I actually had to stand a lot at work. I'm sitting most of the time.

I got to see or rather, listen to, Renisance Man today. Hell if I can spell that word correctly. I know I misspelled it. C'est la vie, non? Oui, Mais ami.

This slow music is kinda just sending little electricle impulses throughout my body. At certain accent points... like a cymbol clash, a little jolt of electricity will spark at one or another point in my body. Toes, shoulders, neck, belly, hip. ya know the drill.

I've got my eyes closed. I'm tempted to not open them again. *chuckles* It feels good to have my eyes closed. Kinda strange, but kinda cool too. I wonder if the words I'm saying inside my head are actually being translated onto the page. rather... screen.

My Dad got me a 19 inch monitor. I have to get my dresser set up tho before I can actually hook the beastie up. I need to have a cleaar space for it. It's a huge-ass thing. *chuckles* But, it's cool. I can't wait to hook it up and then adjust my screen and all... ya know... the screen size in the Window's prog.

I French Braided my hair today. It was a nice change from the usual pony tail.

====Music to veg-out to... Silicone: Mono====

Since I don't really socialize with people on a daily basis, I don't really care what I look like upon first sight, ya know? So, instead of actually "fixing" my hair, I pull it back in a rather severe looking pony tail. Of course, I have that kind of straight hair that is so ultra straight it doesn't hold a curl for more than ten minutes unless I spend three hours working on my hair. *chuckles*

I've actually done that a few times. I think six times. Since about 90. *chuckles* So, I really don't do that hair and make up thing very often.

*shrugs*

I'm smiling
while lying
to you
I'm smiling
while lying
to you
when will we see through

I like that... It is SO La Femme Nikita. *chuckles* Very cool song, folks. It's just... perfect. And, I LOVE Nikita's apartment, man. That first apartment she had just rocked the house, ya'll.

====Music to veg-out to... Give You Back: Verticle Horizon====

In distant lands, the ladies remember what it was to be treated well. The men remember what it was to have something to fight for. There weren't wild flares of anger and rage without cause. No one climbed to the top of the belltower to shoot down the people in the square just because the person was psycho-fied.

Men were valiant and treated their women like queens. Women were gracious and believed their men to be kings. Gay men were freely allowed to love and share their affection publicly. Gay women were given the freedom to persue their desires without nasty slurs and leering eyes from foolish men.

====Music to veg-out to... River of Tears: Eric Clapton====

Freedom was a thing of beauty. Something to be cherished, fought for and shared. Love was a blessing and held no judgement over those who didn't "fit". Kindness was tantamount to breathing and joy filled the air.

And yet, darkness comes to every world, every kingdom, every realm. The hearts of joy slowly turned to stone. But that wasn't enough.... Stone wasn't cold enough, angry enough or issolating enough.

Some turned to rage, filling their stoney hearts with an inner fire which flowed lava-hot through their veins. Others turned to silent hate, the heart being fueled by desperation, fear and pain. And still others had their hearts crumble. The stone cracked and was eaten away by time and isolation.

So very many people lay broken and dying. Crying into their pillows at night, releasing the sorrow and pain to the only one who would listen without judgement.

Silent watchers spied upon the land, warm, gray eyes, slow and sweet to look upon had any bothered to look outside themselves.

A man who wished for freedom... a woman who wished for silken tenderness. A land, silently crying for release from it's prison of hatred and death.

And the watcher... he reached out to the people, offering them hope, peace, love and life

====Music to veg-out to... Old Love: Eric Clapton====

Hands as broad and deep as the seven seas. Eyes as calm and tender as the babe asleep upon its mother's chest. Voice as gentle and joyous as the laughter of a child spinning in a field. And time... time simply stood still as his gaze rested upon the man and woman before him.

Hands pressed to hands, hearts pressed to hearts. Passion awakened and lifted skyward in glorious crescendo. Perfection within the blink of an eye.

====Music to veg-out to... Riveria Paradise: Stevie Ray Vaughan====

A silver silohuette. Sunset turning the fields to burnished copper fire, the same color as her hair. His hands held her body close as the words fell from his lips, gracing the air around them, lilting gently as if carried on the wings of eloquent doves.

"Into your heart I pour my own. Within your world do I make my home. You are my soul, my breath's desire. Dance with me along the wire."

Her eyes did shine, so filled with joy and love. From her own throat, sounds of purest silk did flow.

"You with me, perfection does alite. Your strength propels me through this night. In your arms my life will rest. I'll seek no more, you are the best."

In frozen hearts a warm breath blew. In raging hearts the cool winds healed. The broken and dying returned to life, whole and solid once more.

====Music to veg-out to... Kiss The Rain: Billie Meyers -- Suggested By Sympatico====

It took one vow. One single promise. Love slipped back into a cold and broken woman, filling her with hope once again. The simple touch of lip to cheek brought motivation to a lonely man. Passion turned from rage to peace.

Rain began to fall, Heaven's tears of cleansing washing through souls of desolation's desert. Chaste touch turned pure in heart as silken drops of perfection tumbled around a new life. Green leavesappearing on trees long-since thought dead. Shall dreams never fade. Shall pain never control.

A life for a life to make the power a thing of beauty.

====Music to veg-out to... Pull Me Under: Dream Theater -- Suggested By Charles====

*simply listens to the music*

I have visions of green feileds and hills with trees upon them. I see visions of myself and a man standing at the edge of a field, the tall grass brushing against our knees. We're standing side by side. Hands held, fingers entwined. We're looking at the valley spread out before us. And it's perfect. Green and lush. Trees everywhere. A river off to the west. The Cascades off to the East.

It's stunning and beautiful. And, I can see the two of us standing together. I can see myself extricating my hand from his and wrapping my arm around his waist. He's not a little man. He's not that much taller than me. We're about the same height even. He's broad and large. A big man. And I'm not skin and bones, but I'm not hugely obeses wither.

I get the feeling that this could be me in about five years. Maybe ten. But, there aren't any children around us. Just the two of us. And we're looking upon this valley because it's the place I used to dream about owning. When I was a small kid. Well... not too small. About 14 or so. Maybe a little less.

I've only seen the valley a couple times. But I remember everything about it.

In this vision, I can see the two of us together. And he loves me. And, every day I am more and more amazed that he loves me. But I'm not afraid of that. And I know that he's not going to run away from me.

====Music to veg-out to... Voodoo: GodSmack -- Suggested By Charles====

That's a nice vision. A nice fantasy. *chuckles* It's peaceful. It's calm and gentle and tender. And love just fills the air. It's cool.

OH, and that italicized bit up there was completely out of my head. I have no idea where that came from. I have no idea where I was going with it. As I said at the beginning of this entry, I was just gonna let the music dictate to my fingers.

Well, that's what came out.

I've written some good stuff when I let the music push it. I've written some good stuff without the music too, but some of the stuff I've written through the music has been just.... more real to me, I guess.

I have no idea what I really wrote up there. I think it's kinda wierd right now. I'll re-read it when I proof this entry. Dunno what I'll find, but it should be interesting, neh?

I'm going to listen to the music for a while. I'll be back in just a bit.

====Music to veg-out to... Circle: BHTatM -- Suggested By Charles====
====Music to veg-out to... Broken Hearted Savior: BHTatM -- Suggested By Charles====
====Music to veg-out to... Perfect Water: BOC -- Suggested By Charles====
====Music to veg-out to... Far Behind: CandleBox -- Suggested By Charles====
====Music to veg-out to... In The Air Tonight: Genesis====

I was planning on writing more, but I don't know if I really want to, ya know? I think I have to go to the bathroom. *chuckles* I want to play a few games of Freecell, but I've done so much work with numbers, I just don't want to mess with it anymore. I don't want to have to think about things in an analytical manner. I don't want to think about accounting. I don't want to think about writing checks or depositing checks or balancing check books or ledgers or anything else.

I want to sit back, relax and veg out.

I understand why my ex would come home and just sit in front of the TV for hours on end. *smiles softly* There were only a few times that I ever hounded him when he got home. Those were the days that he'd called, saying he thought about going fishing with Udell after work. He'd come home after work and I'd ask him why he was home. *chuckles*

He'd say that he figured I hadn't wanted him to go. *smiles* Those were the times I hounded him. "Go on. If you want to go fishing, then go fishing. Just don't make me eat the fish." *laughs* Id tell him that about three times. Then, if he still hadn't gone, I'd slink back into my chair and say, "Well, alright. If you don't want to go, then don't. I just thought you'd enjoy it. I don't want to push you away from your home. Just relax and enjoy your time, you've worked hard."

I guess I used too many words. by the time I"d gotten to the first "Go on if you" he was probably already not listening to me. *smiles softly*

====Music to veg-out to... I Wish It Would Rain Down: Genesis====

I must remember to not do that this time around. The man knows what he does and does not want to do. If he wants to go fishing, he'll go. If he doesn't, he won't. If I'd just shut up then, perhaps I wouldn't have fucked up so bad, ya know?

*shrugs*

Duncan probably thought I was nagging him all the time. *shakes her head* I kept my mouth shut. I aite so many of my words. I knew he didn't work well with being told things. He had to either discover it himself, or he had to do without discovering it.

I don't know how I'm going to deal with that communication thing this next time.

Every time I think I've got a good idea how to communicate, I find out I'm way off the mark.

I read Dr John Gray's book on Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus. I really agreed with what was in the book. But, I never could figure out if Duncan agreed or disagreed.

====Music to veg-out to... Miracle: Verticle Horizon====

Sometimes Duncan and I wouldn't be able to communicate at all. I don't know if he just tuned out my voice, or what. I'm sure I talked to much, even tho I only said about 30% of the things I so desperately wanted to say. *smiles softly* Damn it, I'm nearly in tears worrying about how I'm going to communicate with my husband. This is rediculous. *laughs at herself* I don't even have a boyfriend. What the fuck am I worrying about this shit for?

*rolls her eyes, noting that was most probably a "that time of the month" moment*

I figure the problem of communicating with my husband will be tackled when I get a husband. Seems the appropriate time to mess with an issue like that, neh?

How is it possible for men and women to communicate? Or rather, how is it possible for me to communicate with a male I'm involved with?

====Music to veg-out to... Shackled: Verticle Horizon====

That's a serious question. I've had male friends all my life. I get along far better with males than with females. I've had a couple male friends with whom I could talk. I mean, really converse. Sympatico is like that. He and I can talk for three or four hours at a stretch, either RP or actual conversation. And neither of us gets bored with the other. Jerey was like that too. He and I would stay up talking all night long. *chuckles, smiling softly*

I remember when he would come up to our apartment for the weekend. Duncan and Jerey and I would watch TV *rolls her eyes* Or rather, Duncan would have the TV on and the three of us would be drinking. Duncan would have a few beers. I'd nurse one or two. Jerey'd have a wine cooler or a beer. Duncan would watch TV and Jerey and I would talk. When it got late, Duncan would go to bed and Jerey and I would shut off the TV, put in a few CDs and listen to music... Danzig, Type O Negative, Metallica (the old stuff).

====Music to veg-out to... Fur Elise: Techno... Beethoven====

Then, from about 10p or so, Jerey and I would sit up, talking about anything and everything. We'd often carry on our convo until 5 or 6 in the morning. *smiles* That was wonderful. He never grew tired of my voice. I never grew tired of his. Sometimes we'd just sit in the same room, listening to music, writing. Sometimes he'd draw or sketch. and he's good. Damn he's good.

*smiles softly*

I miss that.

So, I guess I know that not all men are adverse to talking. But still. Sometimes it bothers me that the guy I married was so..... different, than the guy I dated. I changed too. But my own change wasn't as dramatic to me until long after. My own change was more gradual. His was instant. The second we said "I Do" the whole relationship changed.

I guess I"m a little scared that that's gonna happen again.

I don't want it to.

====Music to veg-out to... Neverending Story====

I don't want to get burned again.

Like I did with Bryan.

*chuckles quietly*

That's why there's no sex of any kind for me outside of marriage. If a man isn't attracted to me without the sexual thing, then it's just too hard for the relationship to work. At least, in my specific experience. Perhaps time will show me differently. Who knows.

Now, I think it is time to stop this entry. I need to let Joey out, and I've been working on this for two and a half hours. So I'd imagine it's quite long.

====Music to veg-out to... God Called In Sick Today: AFI -- Suggested by Flatline====

Peace unto thy hearts, dear ones. Thank you so very much for reading and taking the time to slog through my recalcitrant brain's spewage.

Love and all to you and yours.