Hello, friends.

I have the intention of two different topics for this particular entry.

So, first...

Russell just blows me away. He is so cool. Everyone needs a friend like him.

Sympatico made me another CD recently. Two of them, actually, but still... He made a compilation CD for me. This is the third such compilation. And this one is the best so far.

I was sitting here, pretty much zoning out to the tunes. *shakes her head* This particular CD is my music. It's stuff that I really, really like. Just rock enough to keep the beat going. But not really "metal". There are enough mellow songs to break it up a bit.

I personally think that Russell should be a DJ. He's got an exceptional ear for music. The effort he puts into organizing the songs... that works really well. If I ever get a recording studio together, I'd really like Russell to work the sound for me. He's really good.

So there.

Love lies bleeding...

*chuckles*

Excellent lyrics there.

Anyway, I am going to move on to part two of this entry.

I've been in a fairly introspective mood this evening. Thinking about things I've done in my life and how I'd do them differently.

So... I'm going to write a letter to my husband.

*smiles* Before you laugh and snort, remember, I'm not married. I am not dating anyone. I'm interested in someone, but there isn't anything there... that's not exactly what I mean, but that point is irrelivant.

I don't have a husband in my life right now, but I will have in the near future. And this is a letter to him.

Husband,

I write this letter to you as a form of pledge. I know we haven't met yet, and I know that this may be out of line, so to speak, but you love me, so you will accept my prattling as one of those little quirks that makes me unique among all the rest of the unique people in this world.

*smiles softly*

I want to tell you how much I look forward to meeting you. To gazing into your eyes for the first time. I have tried to imagine your eyes, but I can't. I imagine what I would find within them, however. A kindness and tenderness. Yes, your eyes are gentle and kind.

Since I have been married before and have been sexually active with that person, I fear that I might not be good enough for you, simply because I am not pure. However, to counter-act that fear, I bring to our marriage, knowledge and experience that you may not have.

I have a better understanding, now, of how to respond to little quibbles. I understand now that when I withdrew at harsh words, I was doing more damage than good.

Previously, I believed that by remaining silent, I was avoiding an argument... avoiding a fight. However, I realize that I was simply creating a larger and more detrimental problem.

I pledge to you that I will do everything in my power to cut off my own retreat. That I will stand my ground and discuss problems and difficulties, rather than running away from them.

I pledge to you that I will be honest, even when honesty means that I tell you when I am hurt. I pledge to you that I will do my best to remember that I can not make you happy, nor can you make me happy. We can only choose happiness for ourselves.

When I see myself heading toward silence and isolation, I will do my best to alter my direction. I do not want to repeat my past mistakes. It costs way too much in the long run.

I want to be a source of pride for you, my husband. I want you to be proud of me, and to be proud to call me your wife. I want your friends to think well of you because of me. I want to be a positive reflection of you.

I want to be your mirror. And I want you to be mine. I want you to show me the flaws I hold. I don't like having flaws, but if I am not made aware of them, I can not eradicate them.

I want to stand before you. I want to bare myself to you, body, soul, mind, heart... everything that is me. I want to share everything I am with you. I don't want to hold back nor do I want to only share 10 percent with you. I want you to know all of me, to feel all of me, to see all of me. I want you to take everything I am, and to give me everything you are.

I felt nervous and scared the last time. I don't want to be nervous and scared this time. however, if I AM nervous and scared, I will tell you so. I will let you know what's going on inside my head.

*smiles softly*

I have made many choices in my life, based on what I thought other people expected of me. That is a learned behavior. I don't want to behave that way anymore. Especially not with you.

I want you to always see the real me. I want you to always have access to the reality of who and what I am. And I pledge to you that I will do my absolute best to never cut you off from me.

I believe that marriage is a true and whole partnership. I believe that a lasting marriage can not take place if both parties are damaged.

Because of that belief, I have spent the last year of my life celibate. Completely and wholely celibate. During this time, I have come to many realizations. I have learned many new things about myself. And, I no longer feel such a deep sense of self-loathing.

I have discovered that I truly can dictate when I will be happy. That took a long time for me to accept.

*smiles softly*

I believe that love is a choice. That people feel attraction, lust, desire and need, but that love is not so much a "feeling" as it is an action. I pledge to you that I will act upon my love for you. That I will actively love you. And that as an extention of that, I will do my best to always be kind, gentle, compassionate and tender. I pledge to do my uttmost to fulfill the Biblical description of love.

I pledge to you now, and this may seem like some small thing... but for me, it's a tremendous promise. I pledge that I will clean the house, or pay for someone to clean it. I promise that I will take on the household maintenance duties most commonly associate with the female role in a marriage.

I will either do the work myself, or get a job in order to pay someone to do that work for us.

When we have children, I want to be a stay-at-home mother. I want to be involved in our children's lives every day. I want to join with you to raise them with a strong spiritual foundation. And I want to be a gentle, kind and tender mother.

I have so many dreams and hopes, but I don't want to give voice to them yet, because I want to weave my dreams with yours.

I don't simply want to live MY life with you. I want to SHARE my life with you. I want to be a part of you and I want you to be a part of me. I want to join with you so that we can be more together than either of us could be apart.

I know that I'm simply rambling now... *smiles tenderly* I will close this letter with a final point...

I invite you into my life. Come to me and let us build a life together. Let us share hopes and dreams and victories. Let our union remain strong and solid within the blessing of our Lord Jesus Christ.

Through the power of the Holy Spirit, I give myself to you and I take you in return. Thank you for being my husband. Thank you for sharing your life with me.

There you have it, friends. A letter to a man I have never met. *smiles, chuckling at herself*

Peace unto thy heart.