Well... you'd think that I"d be more up-to-date with this thing... sorry, I'm busy. YES, my real life is greatly infringing upon my internet/alternate reality. And it's confusing.

Well, I was talking/am talking with a friend of mine tonight. We got to talking about situations where one person thinks it's sexual and the other doesn't. And, since we were discussing that, I sorta launched on another tirade against/about love and "love at first sight".

My Mom and I were in Chuck's a while back, munchin on some dinner... It was actually, V-day. And the conversation topic in the restaurant was "Love at first sight". Whether people believed in it or not...

I asked my Mom, thinking she was a practical woman...

MY MOTHER BELIEVES IN LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT!!!!! GAH!!!!!!! AND AGAIN I SAY, GAH!!!!!!!!!!

Okay, now that I'm human again... *smirks*

But seriously... My mother, the woman I have taken to be practical and intelligent above and beyond most of the people I know... She actually BELIEVES in love at first sight. Come on...

*sighs*

Most of you might think that I"m simply being a cold, hard, calloused person. I promise you, this is not the case. I'm being cynical, but I have a right to be that way. *chuckles* AND, as I admitted to my mother, as she had the gall to look at me as if I were the strange one, Most likely, I WILL experience love at first sight some time in my life.

Of course, even if I do, I probably won't admit to it. Hell, Love at first sight is completely and totally irrational and illogical. The concept makes absolutely no sense and it is not feesible.

I mean, think about it. You're wandering down the street and see someone you've never seen before, never spoken to them before, never even thought of anyone like that and all of the sudden...

BANG

You're in love...

Uh uh. Ain't gonna happen. Doesn't work that way.

Sorry dear heart. I'm extremely cynical about love in many, many ways. Hell, I've been stomped on and ground into the mud a few times. Hell, my blood's been the liquid to get the ground real muddy a few times. Figuratively speaking only, mind you.

Anyway... I simply don't believe in love at first sight. This is an issue that Russell and I have discussed a few times. He is a staunch believer in LAFS. I am not.

I believe in lust at first sight, desire, hunger, need... sure. All of those are reactive emotions. But love? no, Love is a choice. Love is an active emotion. it's something you choose to do. You choose to love someone. Falling in love is so.... trite. There's no such thing. You can accidentally fall in lust or in need... but really, to actually and honestly love someone is a choice.

But, I've prattled about that so many times I'm sure you're all quite sick of it.

*sighs*

Then of course, we got to a conversation about sex and the lack of importance of such things. *shrugs* And I know that I'll probably get flamed or something... but really... sex is so completely over-rated. Completely.

Besides, it hurts.

Well, okay, so I only have one partner for a frame of reference... but, if I had the choice NOW, I would still be a virgin. Seriously. There's a big pull for the sexual contact... but it's a power thing. And that's the wrong kind of power for me to have. So, we'll just move on since this is totally irrelivant and revealing conversation...

Oh, speaking of things you never wanted to know but are going to find out anyway.... *chuckles*

I was going to talk about a couple fantasies that I had/have. These are very powerful and compelling fantasies so hold on to your hats. Or something.

Seriously tho... these are really the only things I fantasize about in regard to my future husband (whoever he may be) and our delicious sexual activities.

Fantasy number one...

I want my husband to call me and make a date with me. Set a time and everything. I want him to tell me what kind of clothing to wear.... (I'm not interested in showing up at the rodeo in a full-length evening gown. not my gig.) when to be ready, and aproximately how long we'll be gone.

then, I want him to show up at the door with either a boquet of flowers, or a single, deep red rose. The single is prefered, tho I suppose I'd like a whole boquet. Dunno, never had one.

Regardless... Then he'd guide me to the car with his hand either at my elbow or the small of my back. He'd open the door for me, be sure my dress/gown/whatever, was in the car, then close the door.

he'd take me to the restaurant, whatever, and do all that gentleman-ly stuff. Ya know, the whold schmeer... opening the doors, holding out my chair, knowing me well enough to order for me. pouring my wine/whatever... etc.

The meal would be filled with conversations and a lot of eye contact. with frequent touching. And I'm not talking sexual touching, I'm talking a brush of fingertips against the back of my hand. A light squeeze of my shoulder. A light brush of fingers against my cheek. Just those little, tender, loving touches that are NON-sexual, but highly sensual.

Afterwards, we'd either go to some club or lounge or something where the music was soft and mellow, or we'd walk along the waterfront, or something... get some fresh air in a quiet, open setting without the sexual thing, but a very loving, tender and sensual tension building.

It's a foundation.

And, I want to be taken back to my house (if this is just a date, i want to be taken back to the house... if we're married, then I want him to take me back to the house and lead me to the door, with a gentle, but passionate good-night kiss. THEN, he'd unlock the door for me, show me in, then go back out and park or whatever... to show the official end of the date.... If we were married, then he'd come back in the house and I"d jump his bones. Or something.)

Fantasy number two.

And this one could get very sexual, tho the goal is to keep it sensual only. I'm not going to go into detail... Just... I would like my husband to bathe me. To draw a bath for me, complete with bubbles. And I'd like him to spend time and effort in washing my body, rinsing me then washing my hair... I just think that would be so.... intimate and sensual without being blatantly sexual.

HOWEVER, and this is a big thing for all of you who are saying, "but wait, Jennifer, my queen... you state that sex is worthless and something you don't want any part of... but then in the same post, you talk about jumping your husband's bones... what's the deal?"

Thank you for asking. This is the deal...

I firmly and completely believe that when I get married, for real, that sex will be different. I believe that. I'm holding on to that hope/belief. I believe this for one reason... when I get married this time round, I'm not going to marry the man if there is any doubt at all in my mind. None.

If I'm having second thoughts this time around, then I'm not ready to get married. Besides, I'm not going to have any sexual contact with my husband, whomever he may be, until the ring is on my finger. I've stated this before.

The whole sex-thing got me in trouble with my ex. Had we not fucked, I wouldn't have married him. It's that simple.

So, I'm not fucking anyone else. No teasing, no sexual contact, no feeling, none of that. The extent of my physical contact with a man I"m not married to will be kissing. And not even "kissing" Just a few kisses here and there. No necking, none of that.

Because of this... the sexual contact between us, I believe, will be better and more complete. It will be whole and pure.

I may not be a virgin anymore, for which I am deeply ashamed, but I'm not going to make the same mistake again. Enough. No more. I"m not going to whore myself for attention. No. Enough. none of that bullshit anymore.

I'm not saying that other people who have sex before marriage are whoring themselves. That's not what I mean at all. I mean that I felt like a worthless whore when it was all said and done with the ex. I don't want to feel that again. I felt like I had been used when Bryan was out here. I won't do that to myself again.

Sex is a powerful drug. Sexual power is an even deadlier one.

I won't play with those anymore.

And, now that I"ve preached and gotten totally off topic and since my ISP just shut down on me, I'm going to re-log in and then post this and probably go to bed cause my eyes are almost pasted shut. *chuckles*

Yes, this is me, the queen of the Run-on sentance.

Suffice it to say... If I could change something about my past and make it stick... out of everything there is that I would like to have been different. The one thing I would change is my status as a non-virgin. I would like my virginity back.

*shrugs*

It's a gift. It is a precious and tender gift that I fully intended to share with my husband alone. Not my fiance... but my husband.

I will not make the same mistake again.

*shrugs*

Anyway... I'm wiped and confusing myself with my words. Peace unto thy hearts, friends.