I�m sitting here in my room. Alone. Feeling the tears at the corners of my eyes. And it�s all Donny�s fault.

Okay, granted, it was my own fault. But it doesn�t matter. I read his entry about dropping �him� off at the airport. *shakes her head* Fuck...

I�ve been listening to a few friend�s emotional pains... and now I�ve got a knot at the base of my neck, at the left side. Damn it, I�m so fucking pathetic. Why does this still hurt? I shouldn�t hurt about this anymore.

It�s been over for too long for me to still be crying and blathering like a baby. Granted, I�m not really crying or blathering. But I feel like I am. And I hate it.

I have watched many friends cry and moan and wail about lost loves. I have listened too long to my relative bursting into tears, talking about her ex, talking about how unfair it all was. For six years she�s been moaning about her plight. I just can�t deal with it anymore.

And here I am. A year later. Feeling like I�ve been gut punched all over again. And the songs that come to mind?

I Can�t Make You Love Me by Bonnie Raitt.

The Dance by Garth Brooks.

Iris by the Goo Goo Dolls

Who Wants To Live Forever by Queen.

And my heart is in a puddle on the floor. Damn it. I can�t believe that I�m crying over this yet again!

I�ve accepted that he doesn�t want me. I accepted it all throughout last year. But there was always a chance last year. There isn�t a real chance now. He�s getting married. But not to me.

And here, Reba McEntire surfaces with He Wants To Get Married And the end tag of that song? �He wants to get married... but not to me.�

*sighs*

Well... that�s enough crying for me. I should listen to more Aaron Tippin.... �Kiss this... and I don�t mean on my rosy red lips�

Fuck.

yeah, so I�ve slept since then. I�m glad I didn�t just post that by itself. People would think I were completely unglued. Not coming unglued, but already unglued. Not my gig.

I was upset last night... Yeah, okay, so it was obvious... don�t harsh my gig, man. But since I�ve slept, had a looooooooooooong bubble bath and relaxed a little, I feel much, much, much better. Extremely lots much better, even. *laughs*

No matter what�s wrong, I can always feel better after a long bubble bath. That, and I�m wearing my favorite sweater. Big, comforting and a bit billowy. I like that.

So, the plan for today is to contact the Shaman motel out here and check up on my app and resume. See what they�re doing and where I am in the running for a job with them. Then I go up to the post office to snag a package a friend said he sent. I�m eagerly looking forward to this.

he promised Clapton music. You KNOW I gotta get my dose of Clapton. So, I�m eagerly awaiting that. Then, I get to scamper on up to Chuck�s and have my coffee and write a while. I do have to come back here and do some more cleaning in my room. But I really don�t wanna. That�s the problem. *chuckles*

Aaaaaaaaanyway... I was gonna continue on with the description of the trip. I think I might wait tho, and write about that at Chuck�s. I tend to remember things better when I�ve got a cuppa in front of me. Yes, I think I�ll wait.

Besides, Amy and Josh, the waitress and cook who make Chuck�s a great place rather than just another chow shack, will ask questions that will prompt further memory. I really have to do something about my memory. I can�t remember what, but I gotta do something.

*smirks*

So, I�m gonna leave y�all with a shorter-than-normal post and I�ll post more about the trip later tonight. So, come back around 11 or so PM Pacific Standard Time, and there�ll be yet another brilliant post.

Loves and all to you and yours