Weeeeeeeeeelllllllllllll... Tomorrow is Friday the 13th. Anyone nervous? Yeah, me neither.

I really have absolutely nothing of importance to say today. I didn't get any worth-while writing done today.

But, I did make dinner. *chuckles* A kind of baked pasta dish. With Farfalle pasta (the little bow ties) and a low-tomato-content meat sauce with a wonderfully cheesy topping. Nummy.

I'll probably make up some chicken thing tomorrow night. Of course, we have the stuff for home-made pizzas.... that's an option. *shrugs*

I started posting some of my writings on the Stories.com site. I'm hoping to get some feedback and such... Of course, the only feedback I've gotten... the only real comment I get is that the only piece which gets read often is the erotica piece I posted.

*rolls her eyes*

that's the stuff that sells, folks. *shrugs*

Of course, the piece is two years old, but still... that's the one that gets read most often. In four days, it's been read over 25 times. And rated very highly. *sighs, shrugging again* Designing Destiny is getting worse reviews than it got when I posted it here. *chuckles*

Are you aware, that when I started posting the story here, I lost more than half my readership? It hasn't been until just recently that I actually got that readership back up some.

And, the thing I think is really interesting... The days when I get the most hits are those days when I've posted something which could be considered quite offensive.

Seems that you guys are into the fight stuff... I'm sure that if I started posting erotica here, I'd have a ton and a half of readers. Nice idea, but not quite my style. *chuckles*

There was a time, about six years ago, when I would write a hell of a lot of smutt. See, it wasn't mellow enough to be called erotica. It was hard core smutt. Porno, even. *shakes her head* I gave that up. I felt so dirty, ya know? Nasty, nasty stuff.

I wasn't just writing porn... I actually submitted a few of the things I"d written to Playboy and Hustler. I was turned down because the material was too intense. It wasn't what the "readership is interested in reading" as the editor told me.

I don't really have much of anything like that left. The only dark and nasty stuff I have anymore has already been posted to either the "poetry site" or to the D.S.Vic diary.

I've often wondered, in the past year or so, what it was that prompted those stories. I mean, they were nasty and filled with anger and rage and sexual power. It was such a reflection of my own mental state. Damn, I was so fucked up.

Now, I know that there are a lot of people out there who are heavy into the whole BDSM thing. I know that there are a ton of people who like the whole bondage thing. But I wasn't into that. I didn't want anything like that happening to me.

But my stories? The characters in the stories....

*shakes her head* I remember one that I wrote. It was after a fight with my ex. He'd been bitching about something else I wasn't doing right.

The female in the story was fucked to death. *shakes her head* Damn, that was so completely sick. I should have been in some hospital. No wonder I was so fucking depressed. I was smoking almost three packs of smokes a day. I didn't sleep. I didn't talk. I didn't move.

I wrote. Violent, angry pieces about a strong, controled woman destroying people. People who had, at one time, been her friends.

I'm both glad and sad that no one ever saw those pieces. I burned most of them. Almost immediately after writing them. It was kind of a catharsis for me. A therapy of sorts.

I'm sure that if I hadn't written that shit, I wouldn't be alive now. I'm sure I would have imploded or something. I was so damned hollow. And the hatred that was inside me just.... dunno. It kinda took me over. Leaving nothing but hate in its wake.

I look back on the person I was back then. Five short years ago. I was so sick. And I didn't know it. Duncan didn't know it. Hell, Duncan was doing everything he could to keep his own nose above the waterline.

I made so damned many mistakes.

However, I won't repeat those mistakes. I'm not writing that kind of dark, angry, hateful stuff anymore. I don't feel that... violent or vengeful anymore.

Granted, I'm not completely satisfied with the way my life is now, but I'm happy. That's something I haven't felt for a long-ass time. I'm happy.

I sometimes go back to re-read some of the things I wrote during the time I was divorcing Duncan. And when I went through all that... I wrote some really nasty shit, but no where near as violent or mean as before.

I've learned a lot lately. I'm nowhere near the place I want to be... but I'm getting there.

My Mother's been asking me a lot, lately, where I'm going in my life, what I want and what my goals are. *chuckles* I don't know. If I knew, I think I'd be closer to my goal.

She asks me, quite often, who I'm going to marry. When I'm going to marry. When I'm gonna have kids.

I don't know.

When I look at myself and project into my future, ya know... project possible futures for myself....

*shrugs*

I am alone. I don't see any mate, husband, spouse, whatever you wanna call it. I don't see any children in my future. I see myself being alone. Living in my own house, with a dog. My work is online, my "friends" are online... I am alone.

I don't know if that's an accurate depiction of what my future will be, but as often as I try to imagine myself with a husband... I just don't see it.

I want to get married again. I really do. I kinda feel like my life won't ever be quite whole if I'm not married and having a family of my own. Hell, I'm the only one out of my grandmother's line who COULD have kids. My aunt didn't have any... my Uncle hasn't had any yet, and the supposition is that being a pot-head for 30 years has sort of sterilized him. And I'm my mother's only child.

*shrugs*

I want to have children someday. I want to hold my babies and rock them to sleep and sing to them and read to them. I want to train my children and teach them how to read and such. I want to be a guide and friend to my children.

But I won't do it alone. I won't have sex again until I'm married. *shrugs* That's just my thing. And I don't go in for that whole artificial insemination stuff. But, I wrote about that at length in a previous entry.

Suffice it to say, I just don't see myself married or with kids. I can see myself rocking a friend's children... but not my own.

Why is that?

Is that just because I don't have any marriage prospects now? Is that because I'm actually foreshadowing my own future? Is that simply because I spend most of my "social" time online? Is there any reason for me to plan a marriage, or to prepare myself for dating and such?

Hell, the only guy around here that was remotely plausible for me... He's got two black marks on his record now... And one is totally irrational.

I'm talking about Josh. He's one of the most kind and gentle men I've yet met in this area. He seems to be in good spirits at every moment. He seems to be cheerful and positive. Those are things that I greatly enjoy.

He's physically attractive to me. He has the ability to think and formulate words, ideas and thoughts into coherent sentances. Which is often something I fail.

However... I found out today that he didn't graduate from high school. That's a black mark in my opinion.

Of course, I didn't ask if he had gotten his GED. I just didn't think about it. But, that is a concern of mine.

The irrational black mark was made evident on Tuesday.

I was in Chuck's and Heather was there. Heather is a female for whom I used to babysit. Her son, Mikey, was the most precious child I've ever watched. No lie. If the chance were there, I'd still be watching him. He was wonderful and so very precious to me. Damn how I miss him.

My heart hurts when I think of everything that little boy has been through over the past four years.

*shakes her head*

Anyway... I really don't like Heather. I have no respect for her whatsoever. She orchestrated her own break up with her husband. She lost about 150 lbs or so after she gave birth to Mikey. She had never been that slender before in her life. And she was playing with it.

I watched the way she behaved around her son. And the lies she told him about his father. Damn, how that hurt. Granted, his father wasn't above reproach, but he didn't deserve even half the shit he got.

Heather forbade (forbode?) Mikey to watch Blue's Clues because I was an idiot and mentioned once that the reason Mikey liked the show so much was because the host looked a lot like Mikey's father. *shakes her head*

During the initial separation from her husband, while I was watching Mikey, Heather would jet out and be gone for long periods of time, sometimes more than a day. She's work for 8 hours then go party with strangers for another 6 hours or more. She'd come home drunk (driving home, no less) and pass out. That really irritated me.

She would wake Mikey up and go for two and three hour drives at midnight. She would go and follow guys that she saw on the road, follow them to their hotels and invite herself to parties. All on the pretense of taking me home after her work shift.

I would sit out in the car with Mikey for sometimes up to two hours, waiting for her to get off then come back and complete the drive home. *shakes her head*

After the second or third time, I told her to just take me home, then do her driving.

*shrugs*

She messed around with my husband. She never went as far as to sleep with him, but she came damned close. I wasn't aware of how close until after I quit sitting for her and was already talking about divorce with Duncan.

She stole from work. She lied. She asked me to lie for her in court. I told her I wouldn't do it. And all the while she used her son as a tool to hurt her soon-to-be ex husband.

Regardless... I saw her Tuesday and just... I shook my head at her. She had gained back about a hundred pounds or so. Maybe less, but not by much. And she was still prissy and flirtatious.

Well... Josh was huggin on her and flirting back. Just the way he treated me most of the time. *shakes her head* That was a real wake up call for me. That's how my ex was. Really flirtatious with everyone.

That's a sign I just won't ignore.

So, Josh asked me, after Heather left... "So, you don't like Heather, huh?"

I told him that I had some history with her. Some real bad history. He said that she was a friend of his. I nodded and told him that I'd keep my mouth shut then. He said, "That bad, huh?"

I just smiled and turned back to my writing.

Josh isn't so attractive to me now.

And still I see myself as being alone. Granted, I might see myself as being alone because I find SOMETHING to cancel out all of the males I meet... but I don't know.

I just don't know.

Well... enough self-inspection. It's time to post this. Until next time, folks.

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