Google Searches.

In light of Odd Google�s site, I�ve started looking at the stats page of my Sitemeter. I must say, I was amazingly surprised to find that I actually had been popped via some Google Searches. But, what surprised me more, was the topics of said searches.

I mean, one of them is understandable and �above board� in my opinion. That�s the person who was looking up information on Andrea Bocelli. Since I talk about Bocelli every once in a while, it�s no surprise to me.

The searches which ARE surprising to me however are as follows...

Bar Slut -- Since when have I done anything to even remotely resemble a bar slut? *shakes her head* That really tosses me for a loop.

But, that�s not the worst... There are also these prizes...

Diaryland+Vein+my+foot -- Excuse me? The doctor called, your brain is ready, care to pick it up?

And, last but not least...

�Spanking his ass� -- Um, I never was into that whole part of the BDSM scene, thankyouverymuch. *chuckles*

I highly suggest that you check out the �entry pages� section of your site meter stats. There should be some very, very interesting scenes unfolding before your mental eyes.

And then, this morning, I get awakened by my delightful dog. Unfortunately, I was in the middle of a really interesting yet bizarre dream. I immediately logged on, intending to write up an entry about it, but when I reread it, I laughed at myself and scrapped the whole idea. SO, I figured I'd give a very brief overview of the dream and, as usually happens, my idea of what my subconscious was telling me. *Chuckles*

Ya love me bunches, I know.

I was out on a date with Harry Connick Jr. *smirks*

There is only a very little bit of the dream that I can remember. He was attentive and fun. We were sitting at dinner and someone came up to me asking about two different guys I had supposedly been dating. It was like this person was trying to imply that I was cheating on one or the other of them with Harry Connick Jr.

I was asked about my "boyfriend" Bryan. I stated that that relationship never got to official boyfriend/girlfriend status in Bryan's mind and had been "over" for two and a half years. She talked about Charles. I stated that that relationship had never been more than friendship. It was like I had to defend my choices... my decisions to myself.

Harry Connick Jr suggested we leave, seeming to be dissappointed that I was supposedly in a relationship with someone else.

As we were leaving, he paused, looking up at the night sky. It was stunning. A typical night sky for Long Beach in the summer. Incredible and the kind you could get lost in. It was fantastic.

I slipped my arm through his as we were walking and once outside, I slipped my hand down to his, fingers entwined and he squeezed gently, welcoming me there. I agreed to a second date in the few moments between leaving the restaurant and actually walking outside. The sky took our attention. Both of us. And I'd mentioned that I didn't think I could ever live anywhere that I couldn't see that... the beauty of nature and such.

That's when Joey woke me.

But, as I have mentioned before, it seems to me that some of my dreams are actually a prompting from my subconcious to recognize a truth about myself. I got that feeling from this dream.

I do NOT believe that Harry Connick Jr is going to come up here to Long Beach, sweep me off my feet and then take me away from all the hell of real life. *Chuckles*

However, the new-truth part was in the form of sitting before someone I was interested in, and having someone else mention other men. It was ...... well.... I'm kinda figuring this out as I go, so it's going to be kinda convoluted.

=== some women process/figure out what's going on in their heads by talking, I do that by writing..... duh. ===

I am of the opinion that I have to accept the fact that I am NOT a virgin. And I don't mean that in the technical sense. I mean that in the naive/innocent sense. I am thirty years old and have lived through a few life experiences which permanantly remove me from the naive group.

As an extention of that, it is to be expected that I will have been in relationships before.

What all that means, bottom line, is that I have to realize that it's okay for me to have been in love before. That denying the love part of the whole Bryan thing is more damaging than admitting it and moving on. If I can't admit a previous relationship to myself, or to a future interest (the part played by HCJr), the guilt about the new interest not being the FIRST, will eat me alive.

I don't know if that makes sense, but for this moment, I have to get the rest of this out...

Secondly, the part about the sky and admitting that I couldn't live somewhere without natural beauty, seems to be a reminder that I must be true to myself. Meaning, if there's somewhere I want to be, I have to consciously make that choice and stick to it.

===I know that when I am immersed in the natural surroundings... ie: the camping trip where we were out in the woods and such, I feel healthy and alive. More than I had previously realized.===

See, I've been telling myself that I have to go to some major city in order to find real work and move on with my life. But that's simply not true. I am the kind of person who needs to live out in the country, where the stars are more obvious than the streetlights. And that means that I am in the place I really want to live for the rest of my life.

The ocean is incredible. And YES!!! I love the rain. I really do. It is incredible and fabulous.

And, the thing I think Charles would object to is the employment problem. But, my dear friend, which is better? Being employed for a year in the big city and having another complete break down? Or... getting off my ass to get the education necessary to work somewhere out here?

That means, I have to go to school to get my HTML and other 'Net stuff completely understood, with the piece of paper to prove it. And then, use that to do the "job" I've been playing with for the past year... WebSite design.

THEN, after I've worked that for a year or so and have built up a little income, I can go back to school to get my Drug and Alcohol Counseling certificate. I've been playing with that idea for three years. I just haven't been willing to get off my ass and do the difficult stuff. Like... go to school.

What that long and convoluted bit was about is this... Charles told me when I was out there, that I had to trust myself.

You're right. And that's something I didn't actually understand until now. I mean, I understood the concept, but I didn't understand what steps to take to get there.

I think of the conversation I had with my Mother during the couple months before I finally cemented the decision to get divorced. She gave me a book, the name of which I can't remember, asking me to read it before I made my final decision. *Shakes her head*

===In my life, there have been quite a few times when I have been faced with a decision that was fairly life altering. Marriage... College... etc.

Those times that I made the decision my gut was satisfied with, I have felt absolutely no regret. AND, the decision was made within the first five minutes of thinking about it. It's like going on my gut instinct.

I think of a thing Marcinko mentions in almost every book I've ever read of his... There's just a "thing" that tells him to move in a certain way. An instinctive motion. He states that there's a mental klaxon that sounds a warning. *Smirks* It's near the Bulls*** detector which is behind the Pussy Detector at the back of his mind. *Laughs softly*

But, the point... the comparison, is that Marcinko is still alive BECAUSE of the instantanious, gut reaction. He's missed death by mere milimeters on many occassions.

Like that, every time I have made an instantainious decision based on my gut instinct. I haven't regretted it.

I've made many, many decisions based on what I thought other people wanted from me/of me/for me. And, I am NOT going to do that anymore. Rather, I'm going to TRY not to do that anymore.

So what does this mean for me? For my life now?

This means, I am happy here in Long Beach. I feel alive and free and bright and cheerful. I feel whole and fresh. I don't WANT to live in a city. So, I have to find something this peninsula needs, and get the education needed to provide that service.

I want to be healthy. Not skinny. I want to be free. Free of fear.

When I made the decision about my wedding dress. The one I chose after flipping through a few dresses, not even five minutes of "searching". I never once regretted choosing that dress. I love it. And it was stunningly beautiful.

When I made the decision to divorce Duncan. I thought about it, weighed the pros and cons, but in the end, after forcing myself to examine all options with an open mind. I made the decision and have not regretted it for even half a second.

I don't regret loving Bryan.

I don't regret my life or my recent choices.

In light of my reflection on previous decisions and the after-effects of those, I find that when I trust my gut/trust myself, I feel free. And whole.

This may not have made much sense to you folks, and it may seem extremely convoluted, but I truly and completely understand what to do next. THAT is something I have been confused about for a long time.

I want someone to send me flowers. I want someone to love me. But, right now, I'm learning how to love myself. That is a new experience for me.

And I like it.