I'm sitting here at too-damned-early-in-the-morning o'clock, checking Email before I go back to sleep after Joey woke me. I'm listening to the song Big Shot by Billy Joel. And, I wonder...

How many of us have hurt/ruined relationships because we had to show off to our friends.

This song is about his then-wife, Christie Brinkly, I believe.

But, the real point is vaguely this... when was the last time your pride got in the way of your relationship? It's happened to me a few times. Hell, pride has gotten me into more trouble than almost anything else.

Hell, as a child, there were two things my mother told me frequently that were straight out of the Bible. *chuckles* First, "Go and sin no more." Whenever I got in trouble for doing something wrong, that was the phrase I heard.

And then, "Pride goeth before destruction and a haughty manner before a fall."

*shakes her head* That one still has the "power" to send chills down my spine. *chuckles*

At points in my life, it seemed that I would never be free of pride; that I would never be able to break through that damned barrier that refused to stop puffing out my chest and sticking my nose in the air.

I have, for the most part, gotten myself away from that, but I still remember my mother calling me Nelly Olsen a few times. *chuckles*

===If you don't understand the reference, watch one of the first few episodes of Little House On The Prairie. Nelly Olsen was the snooty, snotty pain-in-the-ass girl that really was a bitch. People didn't like her very much because she was so prideful and arrogant.===

Now, I wasn't actually behaving like Nelly, but I did act out once in a while and that was the name which would jerk me up short. Of course, Mom calling me by that name was quickly followed by her saying that pride was what would bring me down. And then, when I would be all humbled and apologetic she'd smile, give me a hug, pat me on my butt to send me on my way with the "Go and sin no more" line.

*sighs*

Now, pride manifests itself in many different forms. It's not just the need to show off or be a big shot. Sometimes pride manifests itself by keeping a person from showing weakness. For instance... tears.

A refusal to show weakness, is a form of pride. Granted, in a battle situation, it's important to be seen as strong and invincible, but when do we draw the line between showing that we're strong, and sabatoging our own relationships because of an unwillingness to appear scared, confused or sad?

I know that I caused a hell of a lot of problems with Duncan cause I just wasn't willing to show how deeply he hurt me at times. It's not that the effects of my pride couldn't be seen... it's just that the way those effects appeared... *chuckles faintly* I was dying inside.

I hate looking weak. I really hate it.

There are many things I'm partially regretting, tho "regret" is a little too strong a word for it, about my trip to Dallas this Spring. Just to keep everything above board, I loved my trip. It was fantastic and I'd go again in a heart beat.

I did some things I'm not happy with, though. For instance, that whole break down thing after the nightmare. See... I feel this little irritation in the pit of my stomach because I showed "weakness".

That is pride.

===As a mostly unrelated side note, Charles, the lucky man, got to see pretty much every extreme of my life/persona/personality. He got to see me at my most peaceful, my most stressed, exhausted, sick, whimpy, terrified, "hysterical" and PMSing. He's such a lucky man. *smirks*===

Anyway, most of the mistakes I've made in my life were either a direct or indirect result of pride. Each time that I refused to admit truth because I thought it was "weak" was a Pride Moment.

It's that whole, "You may have devistated me, but I'll be damned if I let you know that" thing.

Perhaps the real question here is not how many times pride has gotten in the way of relationships, but how many times pride has gotten in the way of truth.

One of the things I respect so much about the friendship I have with Charles is that for the first time, with a person of the oposite sex, I haven't felt the internal desire to hide what's really going on in the name of pride.

I like that. It's a freedom. I haven't felt this free in a while. I really like that.

It gives me pause to wonder if I might actually be growing up. Finally. Have I reached a point where, because of past experiences, I'm finally putting what I've learned to practice?

Or do I feel this fresh awareness and honesty-through-emotion/action because Charles is the kind of person you just can't be false with? And yes, I fully realize I prattle on about how wonderful Charles is to the point where it sounds like false praise.

But, I mean it. I haven't met another person like Charles. And I don't mean in some trite no-two-snowflakes-are-alike kind of way. I mean, there is real and genuine character there.

Most likely what I'm seeing is a "real" man. There are so few of those these days. *smirks*

Anyway, I think I'm going to draw this to a close. It's been more than an hour that I've been writing this, as I'm being interrupted by on-going conversations with a couple friends.

I'm getting quite sleepy yet again and would dearly love to get more than four hours of sleep before sauntering into my day.

Suffice it to say, Pride has often been the "feeling" which gets me in the most trouble. I just want people to think about it. How many times has pride gotten you in trouble?

Peace unto thy hearts.