Good morning to all of you. Yes, morning. I know, I know, there's no real reason for me to be awake at such an hour. This early rising thing is starting to get annoying, but I figure that if I start accomplishing more during the day, perhaps....

Aw hell, that's just bullshit. I figure if Joey stops waking me at 8 in the morning, I'll get more sleep. Ya think?

*smirks*

I want to talk about a certain phenomenon which seems to happen only to me. I don't know, maybe other people experience this too, but it DOES happen to me.

I was out at Chuck's yesterday afternoon, talking with Josh and Gail (Gail's another waitress there). Ron was there, a regular I consider a friend. He's not a I'd-give-my-life-for-ya kind of friend, but he's a friend nonetheless.

Regardless, I was there and conversations were going around and Josh was makin my burger. He asked if I wanted anything else. I said, in my typical flirtatious manner, "Nothing I could mention here."

No problem. It was laughed off and smiles all around, UNTIL Ron started pickin on me. *chuckles* He does this every once in a while. However, one of the delivery guys was there and he made some comment which was similar to... "You bet she wants somethin else"

That wasn't exactly what he said, but you get the picture. Well, Ron made some flippant comment to exacerbate the situation and voila, Jennifer's face turns as red as her hair.

Of course, it was a brief embarrassment and all in good fun, but still... my face gave me away. *smirks*

And, Ron, the wonderful man he is (that's sarcasm there, folks) just kept pushin. *laughs* This happens every once in a while. But, usually when someone has hit the nail on the head.

Whenever I've been "cought" like that... I blush. A lot.

See, I like to think of myself as being cool, calm and collected at all times. I like to think of myself as being above desire and risque thoughts pertaining to me.

I was cought red handed. Well, okay, not red handed, but red faced. *rolls her eyes*

I like Josh. I've made no secret of that. And, I'd go out with him if he asked. BUT, I don't have any hidden motives and I don't want to have an intimate relationship with him.

That doesn't mean that the thought hasn't occurred to me. In fact, it's occurred to me on a few different occassions. I have actually thought through what would happen if Josh and I went on a date. Would I kiss him?

*laughs at herself*

And yes, honestly, that is as far as I've allowed my thoughts to go.

===I am of the opinion that thinking about anything more than a kiss is hinting at something that just will not happen. Since I won't do anything more than kiss someone I'm not married to... and because I really can't see Josh and I as married... well then, it logically follows that nothing more than a kiss would happen with Josh. Therefore, there is no reason to think about anything more than a kiss with Josh.===

That sideline brings me back to the story quite nicely. That doesn't happen all that often.

So, yeah, I've thought about kissing Josh. Of course, that's something that I have never verbally admited to anyone. In fact, y'all are hearing it here first.

But, the fact that the delivery guy and Ron both, were jokingly alluding to my "secret desires" was embarrassing to me. Not specifically because of the alluded-to-desire, but because I then wondered if my desire so obvious to those people that a complete stranger to me (the delivery guy) would be able to pick up on it.

With me so far? Good, lets continue.

Okay... so, that spins me off in the direction of thought... I wonder just how transparent I am to the people who see me. Is my own self-image so wrong that I'm walking around the world wearing two different earings?

===Okay, so that might be a little confusing, but to any woman who has done it, you know exactly what I mean. You have an earing from one pair on one side, and a totaly different pair represented on the other. Everyone else can see the difference, but you don't unless you look in a mirror. And sometimes, even then, you don't see it cause you're not actively looking for it.===

So, was my relatively innocent desire for some more personal relationship with Josh that obvious to those around me that someone I'd never seen before could pick up on it? Or, was he just picking up on the jovial atmosphere and participating in light-hearted teasing?

I would prefer to think the latter was true. However, me being the person who over-analyzes pretty much everything... *chuckles* I have to ask myself what signals I'm giving off.

Still with me? No? I'll give you a chance to catch up.

Okay, ready now? Well, I'm moving on. Catch up if you're lagging behind cause it gets bumpier from here.

So, then I seperate myself from the equation, turning the thought to a grander scale. How many of the people I share this world with actually pick up on the nuances of daily life? How many people out there are actually paying attention to the little words, thoughts, whispers and such... the body language, of those around them?

Which, of course, brings it back to involve me personally.

I have spent a very large portion of my life watching other people. Watching them as if I were studying some ancient civilization for a science project or something.

It is my science, I suppose.

I have spent long, long hours just sitting in one place or another, watching how people interact, what their eyes say verses what their mouths say. I have watched body language and seen the results of some couple whose words are harsh and cold, but whose body language is warm and inviting.

This indicates to me that there are some people out there who are just as much of a walking contradiction in motion as I am. But that's beside the point.

I watch people. Intently sometimes. I examine actions and words to see when someone is honest. For an example...

A man walks into a place and approaches a woman. She completely ignores him from his perspective, but I can see her face and she's smiling a little, a look of hope and excitement crossing her face.

The guy simply watches her turn her back to him. He doesn't see the hope on her face, thus feels rejected (or acts rejected, at least) and leaves.

When he leaves, the woman's face goes from hopeful to sadened to hard, as if she were lecturing herself about ignoring another opportunity, then deciding "he wasn't worth it anyway".

This, in turn, prompts in me the thoughts about honesty. Honesty with those we deal with and honesty with ourselves. Which (thank you thank you thank you... we're finally in the homestretch) ties in with what I was saying a couple entries ago...

Pride.

How many times have we allowed a situation to fail because we were too proud to be honest? I don't mean that someone was telling a lie, I mean being honest with ourselves. Having the outside match the inside.

If the woman in the above scenario would have been honest with herself, she would have turned to face the man she was curious about. She would have shown him the hope on her face. She would have taken the risk.

AHA! And here we are at the point!!!

Doing anything in this world requires a certain amount of risk. I'm not talking about bungee-jumping-risk. I'm talking about emotional risk.

The woman in the above scenario had a choice before her. She could risk her pride and turn to face the man who had approached her, or she could ignore the risk, hoping that he would somehow see through the mask of indiference her turned shoulder indicated.

She wanted him to talk to her. She wanted to have a conversation with him. She wanted many things, but because she was too proud to lose face...

what if he'd been ugly... what if he'd been less than her dream... what if he'd taken a look at her and decided she wasn't worthy of him...

She wasn't willing to take the risk. She did not turn to him and an opportunity was lost. She chose to let the opportunity slide away from her out of fear and a form of pride.

So, what is the main point, you ask? Okay, so maybe you're not asking, but humor me and ask. I'll wait...

Okay, no I won't wait. I'll just plunge on ahead pretending I actually have something of merit to say.

So, the point is this... don't pretend you're not interested if you are. Don't say you can't handle something when you think you can. Don't restrict yourself because of pride or an unwillingness to risk comfort.

Now, I'm not advocating going out and telling everyone you see that looks good, that you wanna take them home and fuck their brains out. I don't ever advocate that.

However, don't play the Game. It's a nasty, vicious cycle that teaches nothing more than how to lie about what you truly think and feel.

Why expect someone else to know what you want? If you can't SAY what you want, then perhaps you have no right to have what you want? Ever think of that?

If you're not mature enough to actually say, without pretense, what you're looking for, what you want, what you feel, then perhaps you shouldn't be seeking those things as yet.

Now, again, these things are ONLY my opinion. No one is required to believe my opinion just because I'm so willing to spout it. BUT, I'm more than interested in having you believe me just because I say it. Hell, I like fans. *grins*

electric ones.

*smirks*

Peace unto thy hearts, folks.