I was writing a letter to my sperm donar today. His birthday was yesterday (the 6th) and I think he's 60 this year. I don't know for sure.

I wrote two and a half pages, and I didn't even get to anything "meaty" so to speak.

I was discussing this with my mother, talking about the propriety of writing to my sperm donar and such... what should I say, what needed to be said, etc.

And I came upon an "it". Ya know, one of those instances in your life when you really "get IT".

If I want a relationship with my father, A father/daughter relationship, I have to start one.

That's "it". That's the "thing". If you want to change something in your life, or if you're pissed with someone for something they did 30 years ago... get over it. You don't have to dredge up the past in order to start again.

You have to give up the anger and rage. You have to give up the hurt feelings, and realize that unless you have a time-machine, you're not going to be able to talk to the person about what they did 30 years ago, because they are no longer the same person.

I don't HAVE to ask Charlie why he split. I don't have to ask Dad about the silver-dollar thing.

I don't have to tell someone that I've forgiven them for something that happened so long ago. All I have to do is forgive, move on, and start fresh.

What has happened in the past is exactly that, the past. And if you've got a problem with someone over something they did last year, five years ago, ten years ago, or more... then YOU are the one with the problem and not them. You don't have to confront someone else in order to deal with the problem.

This means, in a nut shell...

If I want to have a relationship with my father, I need to start a relationship with my father. I do NOT need to talk about past grievances. I don't have to bring up past mistakes. The man he was when he made those choices and decisions is a different person than the man he is now.

Just as I am a different person now than I was even a year ago.

It might not make sense to you, but it sure as hell makes sense to me.