My Brother....

I miss him.

Or should I say them?

I have four brothers. Of course, only two of them know I exist. And I've only met those two. My brother Dan, who was adopted by the Sperm Donar and my Mom, and then my brother Bing who is my step-Father's son.

Regardless, I've been thinking about Dan a lot lately. Been thinking about the last time we really had a good conversation. I can't remember when that was. Seriouslly.

I'm 29. He's 31. He's getting married in two weeks.

I've been trying to figure out how I feel about him.

I'm empty when it comes to him. Not really cold, as that would indicate some kind of feeling for him whether anger or love... but, I guess I'm numb when it comes to him.

I remember, seven and a half years ago, the day before Damien was born (my nephew) on September 10... That was our last major confrontation.

I hated him for a long time after that. I mean... hell... no wonder Damien is pissed off and angry all the time.

No wonder he doesnt' like his father all that much.

*smiles sadly*

I was up with Dan and Yvonne, taking care of Brandace and all while Yvonne was preggers with Damien...

They started arguing... again. Such loud voices. He started it. again. And she took it for a while, but then he pushed her too far and she started screaming back. ANd then he got really angry.

He hit her, folks.

Hard

She was screaming in the bedroom, terrified. Brandace was screaming in the livingroom and I was getting up, moving into the bedroom

I stood between them, protecting her just by being between she and him. hell, she was only 5' even. he was 5'7" I think. And hell, i'm 6'1" and was wearing two inch heels, so 6'3" total. I successfully cut her off from his sight.

He told me it was none of my business. It was between he and Yvonne. THat I had no right to interfere...

I remember looking at him. he was shaking with rage. But that wasn't the worst. He demanded that I leave. i wouldn't. i told him if he wanted to beat on someone, to beat on someone who could defend herself. You see, I walked in on him punching his 9-months-preggers wife in the stomach.

So, he stared at me in rage. Yvonne was on the floor, holding her belly, terrified, screaming and bawling.

My brother got more and more pissed that I wouldn't leave him to "his business".

He finall hit me. He gave me a right to the jaw which turned my head. But it didn't drop me and didn't turn my upper body.

He was surprised when I merely turned my head to look back at him.

Then I hit him. I hit him so hard I knocked him on his ass.

And it shocked him

He looked up at me with such rage and hatred in his eyes. I could see it so clearly. His eyes were black with hatred. And I mean black. It wasn't just a normal, "I'm so pissed off I want to kill the world" kind of hatred. It was the all out "I'm so pissed i'm going to cut your head off, boil it up and then serve it to your mother as an entre" kinda hatred

But I wasn't scared.

I was sad. To see that hatred in someone I had loved so very deeply. So much.

*shakes her head*

But he got up

And he hit me again

Another right to the jaw which turned my head, but didn't turn my body or knock me down.

So, I did the return for him, but this time I hit him so hard it knocked him on his ass and nearly further. the rage was so intense. I would believe it wasn't really him inside those eyes. That was something else. that wasn't MY brother.

Anyway... that was the last real contact he and I had on a personal level. We exchange tiny little bits of civil small talk when I take the kids to visit with him or when we meet accidentally , like, five times in the past nearly 8 years.

I dont' hate him

I pitty him

I forced him out of his own apartment that night. Kicked him out. told him not to come back unless he could be civil.

I pointed to his daughter, bawling and screaming on the couch and I looked into Dan's eyes...

I told him Look at what you've done. LOOK, DAN. You've made your daughter cry. Something you promised you would never do. She's bawling because of you

He didn't agree. He said it was my fault.

*shrugs*

Maybe it was. did I really have a right to go in and disrupt that family?

Do you want my honest and true opinion?

YES, I had every right to go in and disrupt that family. if there is no real love, there is no real family.

Dunno

I'm tired and would rather slip back into denial for a few moments so that I don't have to think about my brother anymore. He makes me sad. Very very sad.

Love and all...