Greetings and salutations. In my packing and such, I ran across one of my first regularly-written-in journals. This was during the fall and winter of 90-91.

I've spoken about this particular time in my life, many times in this diary. But there's a big difference between the depression of last year and the life-snuffing depression of 11 years ago. The first entry in that particular journal was from August 20th, 1990. I wrote down my favorite song at the time. Memphisto by DePeche Mode.

The first line of that first entry? "My life sucks. So what."

A wonderful start, don't you think?

I was going to post the entry from August 27th of that year, but I can't even read it. The words are so damned faded on the page. And, of course, the light isn't the best in here. I'm not interested in turning on the overhead cause it'll make it too hot for me. So, you'll have to suffice with another selection.

===As a side note... Today is the anniversary of my wedding day. Isn't that quaint? I had forgotten all about it until just a few minutes ago, as I was looking through the wedding and engagement books. I saw a lot of pictures from the few weeks before Duncan and I got hitched. *Smiles softly* We both looked so very happy.

I miss the people we were then. I don't want to be the same, nor do I want him back. But I miss the people we were then. It was so strange. To see him so happy. So thin. *Laughs* He was really quite good looking. His hair was short and trimmed. His mustache was trimmed. His eyes were so damned blue.

I've often tried telling myself that I never loved him. But that's not true. I did love him. I loved him with everything I was. I made my choice to be with him for a foolish reason, but once I made the choice, I lived it. And I really loved him. It was so damned obvious in the pictures.

*Smiles softly*

I was really tempted to just throw away those books. And this old journal. But, I think I want to keep them a little longer. They're kind of like benchmarks to me. Reminders of where I was, where I've gone and where I want to be. They are reminders of what I will not do in the future. *Smiles*===

Anyway... so the journal. I want to post an entry or two from this old thing.

From September 6th, 1990, 12:00am

I blew up today. I seem to only feel anger and fury. I hope Tom doesn't write back or call. I want to have a heart of ice! I don't want anyone breaking down my barriers, especially Tom.

See, Tom was just playing with me. He wanted me to think that I was winning. I lost that one. I also lost with Ted and I lost with both Mark and Dan. Robyn has shown that she can be trusted. Ted is only interested in what he can get out of me, and Tom...

He is interested in winning, no matter what it costs him. He doesn't care who he destroys as long as he comes out the winner

*chuckles quietly* Well, isn't that just the most confusing set of paragraphs you've ever met? Or is this just par for the course? *Grins*

Tom was someone that I had taken deep into my heart. Like Bryan. I would have done anything for Tom, in my petty, not-quite-20-years-old mindset anyway. I got lost in his eyes every time I looked into them.

*Chuckles quietly* The eyes have always been my downfall. A man could look like Michael Jackson (someone I'm not attracted to in the least) and if he has incredible eyes... I'm gone. *Rolls her eyes*

Tom convinced me... or maybe I convinced myself, that he felt the same way. We were the best of friends. We were... *shrugs* soul mates.

I believed it. One hundred percent.

*Shrugs*

Oh well. Shit happens and you either get on with your life or stagnate. At that time, I chose stagnation. C'est la vie.

From September 20th, 1990 10:45am

When you start being careful, you lose control. When you caution yourself, you lose. When you share how you feel with others, you lose. When you let others in, you lose. As soon as you tell people you are the best, you lose. Life is a dangerous game and if you go it slowly, you lose. If you doubt yourself, you lose. If you let others feel with you, you lose. If you let your heart make your decisions, you lose! If you trust your friends you lose. If you trust yourself you lose. If you trust God you lose. If you trust Satan, you lose. If you trust, you lose. If you believe, you lose. If you are kind, you lose. If you're non-human, you lose. If you're human, you lose. If you're normal, you lose. If you're different, you lose. If you're the same, you lose. If you rebel you lose. If you comply you lose.

And, October 9th, 1990 11:15am

(This is how I wrote it in the book)

Well. Ain't that just a riot. *Chuckles* I read through these pages, wondering how I ever made it out. I wonder how I ever made it through all of this without my Mother ever realizing that I was so completely fucked up. *Rolls her eyes*

November 3rd, 1990 3:25p

Why do people think I have a good voice? I don't. I listen to everyone else and they are so good.

I feel like my obsession with fire will carry me into the holocaust. And that the people who were asking for my help will be those people who couldn't be saved. I wonder what my controlling the flames means.

And finally, from December 29th, 1990 3:01p

I don't want anyone to see that I can be swayed. I want everyone to know that I am a cast-iron bitch. But I'm not. Somewhere there's a little girl hiding in the dark. Hiding and crying. I don't understand what I'm really here for.

I know that I posted a whole lot of sections, but hell... it's a world of memories to me. I haven't seen this book in more than four years. I've kept it with me and... well I don't mean I haven't seen it, I mean I haven't actually read through it. I'll read through it a little more tomorrow. Perhaps I'll post a few more entries. Dunno.

I know this much... My life is so very much better now. So much better.

So, happy anniversary to all of you. May your every positive and thrilling dream come true.

Peace unto thy hearts.