Hello to all you boys and girls. Today has been a wonderful day. Bright and beautiful with sunshine and enough wind to make it comfortable.

I'm about to complain about life in general, but I want you to know that I'm not against my life at all... I really enjoy it. I'm just realizing a few things that I need to change.

The family dynamic here is a little strange. Mom is the bread winner of the family while I am the homemaker. These are strictly roles which are being acted out. I do not have some kinky and disgusting relationship with my mother. So please, blot that idea right out.

Yeah, okay, so you wouldn't have thought of it if I hadn't brought it up, so sue me.

Regardless... I realized tonight, as I wanted to talk and share something with my Mother... that I had a flashback to married life.

There I was, sitting in my chair, Mom was sitting in hers. Judge Judy was on TV, but neither of us were really paying much attention to it. I was talking about something important to me and Mom's response was to look up from her project, stare at me and say something akin to "oh, that's nice dear"

She didn't say those exact words, but that was the tone behind her words.

I shrugged and went back to focusing on my project, shutting up. My thought was this: If Mom was busy with her thing and didn't really have the time to focus on what I was saying, I wasn't going to waste my breath.

I did that all the time with the ex. It got to the point where I didn't talk at all. Literally... my conversations with him included simple one or two sylable words and shrugs. There wasn't any real communication.

Now, I don't want you to think that Mom and I have devolved into a non-caring familial relationship, but this one night really struck me hard. I felt the emotions which had long accompanied my dealings with my ex. Before he was an Ex.

I felt unworthy. I felt like I didn't matter. I felt foolish for having thought that anything I might say would be of importance to my Mother.

Now, I fully understand that Mom was working on her project and it really did demand all of her attention. I understand that my Mother loves me completely and that if she had even the faintest idea that I had been offended, she would have dropped her project and listened to me with wrapt attention.

However, I am curious about my own reaction. Such a simple thing as Mom not listening to what I was saying, and I was instantly transported back four years. I don't want to do that.

Of course, if I only experience that once a year, no biggie, right? But, I still wonder at my own thoughts and emotions.

I've been feeling a lot like I'm being taken for granted. I almost always make dinner for Mom. And usually I have it ready by the time she gets home from work.

The point of this?

I'm acting very similarly to the way I did when I was married. Of course, on a daily basis, I feel free and cheerful and happy, which is something that happened very rarely when I was hitched.

But still... I'm acting the way I did when I was married. Doing dishes, doing laundry, cooking the meals... and then, the side effect of that... feeling taken for granted when month after month I do these things with no recognition.

I mean... is that wierd or what?

I remember telling God last year that I needed my options to be severely limited. I needed a very straight and narrow path cause I was still unhappy and I obviously wasn't doing something right.

Well, it wasn't three days after that that I got popped by the cops and informed that my license was suspended pending payment of ten year old fines.

So, that makes me think of what I recently requested.... I told God just a couple days ago that it was time for some of the restrictions to be lifted.

I think about that a lot. Or rather, I have been thinking about those things a lot in the past two days. And I wonder just what it is I want from my life. Right now, I want to be able to drive again. Legally. I will not drive illegally. I simply won't do that. Cause, ya know... it's illegal.

I want a job from which I can earn a legitimate living. I don't need a full time job. I just need something that will work to pay my minimal bills. If I just pulled in 1400 a month, that would be more than enough.

I want new furniture for my room. I want to pay a legitimate portion of the rent, rather than a token quantity. I want a phone line of my own, and either DSL or cable modem. I want a new computer and decent funds to decorate my room.

I want a real job. In order to get one of those, I need to drive. So, If I don't want to be the kind of person who simply stays at home, pretending to be a wife because that fits into my "known territory" level, then I have to do something to change my current situation.

What should I do?

That's where I'm stuck.

I'll think about this more. Perhaps I'll actually figure out a way around this little personal mess. Perhaps not. It doesn't really matter a whole lot. I"ll figure out what I'm going to do. Hell, I just had the realization that I want more, tonight. *Chuckles*

I suppose I'm ready for the next step. Part of the loosening of the restrictions, eh? Whether you believe in God, or not... whether you believe in coincidence or not... I want a change now. I am of the opinion that in order for me to complete the next step in my self-improvement, I need to be outwardly mobile. More than just walking... I need to be able to drive. Therefore, that's my next project.

Again, I'm not sure how that's going to work out, but I'll think of something. Perhaps God will give me the answer soon. He's really good like that.

Peace unto thy hearts, friends.