I was in chat this afternoon and Ginger, the creator of Interview, had mentioned that she was going to be updating websites for her saturday night event. She wondered if that was really pathetic on the sad-o-meter.

Dear one... it's not sad in the least. My Saturday night activities included taking a nap. A loooooooooong nap. A very, very long nap.

Hell, I laid down for a nap at 5. I got up at 10:30. That's damn near a full-night's sleep for me. (I average 6 - 7 hours for a full-night's sleep.)

So, I'm up for a while.

I wonder if I'm tired today because I'm worried about meeting up with my father tomorrow.

The last time I saw/talked to him before Friday's three minute phone call was in the early Fall of 98.

A lot has happened since then. I don't see any outward difference when I look at myself. But, I don't have pictures from that specific period of time either.

That last time we talked, I was up visiting Charlie and his wife, Judy. The plan was to stay up there a few days. (Belfair/Tahuya/Bremerton area)

But, They had cats. I didn't realize my cat allergy was still so potent. I made it until about midnight or one in the morning, but couldn't breathe. I left a note for them, got out to my car and the damned thing wouldn't work.

I was in a panic cause I couldn't breathe, it was way-too-fuckin-early, my car was acting all fucked and everything and this was a person with whom I hadn't had the closest of relationships.

Dunno. I'm a little nervous about meeting him. He won't harrass me or ridicule me, but he... I don't know...

Yes, I do know...

I'm angry that I wasn't important enough to him, as an infant, for him to stick around.

I am fully aware that I have to "let it go" Hell, it was 30 years ago, plus a little. He was a different man then. Just as I am a different female now.

I sometimes wonder if there's some completely unknown benefit to have a father in one's life. I mean... there are many benefits recorded by psychologists and counselors and the like, but what if it's like certain minerals?

Some people look stronger, feel healthier and are more whole. And, we find out later in life, much later, that it's because their food has always contained this one trace-mineral.

*shrugs* That might not make sense, but I understand what I mean.

Anyway... I think I'm a little nervous about meeting my father. I don't know what expectations I have... I don't know if I really have any. I know that since Judy will be there, it will be a day filled with "hi there"s and "How've you been"s.

I suppose if I had ever gone to a school where there would be a 10/20/30 year class reunion, I would probably have this faint apprehension.

I can't see a single reason, however, for being nervous. I really can't. I suppose I'm nervous that he might get all the way down here and be pissed off that I waited three years to contact him. But that's not his style.

He might say one or two sentences about how I was irresponsible, but he's not the type to harp on something.

He and I are a lot alike. Maybe that's what makes me nervous? I've thought of him with such anger and disdain for so long that I'm afraid to see how similar we really are because that means that I am/can be just like him???

And, just for information sake... why the hell am I always hit-on by strange, Arabian and Middle Eastern males? Just tonight, I was contacted by someone from Pakistan. They contacted my BurntTiger ID. Look at that ID and tell me what exactly is attractive about that FICTIONAL character?

I don't get approached by American men. I don't get approached by French, Scandinavian, Asian or Russian men. I don't get approached by South American or African men. Just Middle Eastern and India-Indian men.

Do these people secretly have the desire to be submissive to the powerful, large woman? Do these people want to subvert a powerful, large woman?

Why me? Is there some class project which is spread out to Middle Eastern individuals to locate a big, powerful red-head who knows how to fight and doesn't take shit from anyone... and then either conquer her or be conquered by her?

Whatever.

I don't understand it, but it's taken the forefront of my mind off the meeting with my father tomorrow, so that's a good thing.

Can we say the Fatal Tiger is self-centered? Yupyupyup. The world DOES revolve around me, thankyouverymuch!

Or something.

Peace unto thy hearts.