I so like Gilmore Girls. Yes, it's a show which would appeal primarily to women. Yes, I'm admitting girl-status by admitting my enjoyment of it. Sue me.

My favorite line from this week's episode?

"Battlebots... for the rest of your life!"

*grins*

I am so glad I never had a "coming out" dance/party/whatever. I like dressing up and looking all elegant and refined. I'm just not all that good at it. I can do the whole getting dolled up thing. I mean, hell, I look good when I put a little effort into it. But it's the effort thing I don't mesh with all the time.

Hell, I can do the whole spending-four-hours-to-prepare-for-a-dance thing, but it just seems like so much pretentious work for what? I've never had an escort to an event for which I dressed up (well okay, except for the wedding, but that doesn't count).

I think it's interesting that I saw Miss Congeniality this morning and then this particular episode of Gilmore Girls. In the past week and some I've been seeing little hints that perhaps I should start to "girl up".

I actually played with my make up the other day. I put on foundation. Can you believe it?

Tasha what's happening to me?

I've been thinking about asking Diane to take me to her beautician and doing a complete make-over type thing. Or even writing in to one of these TLC programs like A Makeover Story to see what it would be like to actually look feminine for a change.

That's kind of scary to me though. I mean... what happens if I actually like the way I look? Would that mean that my no-nonsense, straight forward, No-bullshit-spoken-here persona would be obselete?

Would I actually start to enjoy shopping? Horror of horrors. I certainly hope not.

But still... I've gone for so long being a 6'1", morbidly obese oddity. I'm used to it. What would happen if I tried on a more genteel side of my personality? What would happen if I actually let the real me... the me that's hiding here inside, be seen?

I admitted to Charles, last week, that I had spent time actually doing up make up. Foundation, mascera, lip-liner, eye-liner, shadow, lipstick and blush. Oh, eyebrows too. He asked if I liked it. I said I wasn't sure. I said that I felt nervous/scared about it (I think I used the word scared) He asked why.

I thought about it then and I've thought about it since then, but the answer is the same.

It scares me because, I think, I would feel vulnerable if I actually looked like a girl, rather than a bull-dyke. I think that I would feel somehow weak. Or perhaps weaker.

I've worn the tough biker-bitch persona... (Tiger) for so long that I don't know if I can risk letting the tender, sensitive me out.

When I was a little girl I remember being on a family outting when Dad was teasing me something aweful. This was nothing new, it was common. But I remember being teased until I was crying. Not just a few tears and sniffles, but all out crying.

Dad took a picture of my face. Mouth open, cheeks red and puffy, eyes puffy and half swollen shut. Face all red from the effort of crying so hard. I remember many times throughout the past years that my father would point out that picture and laugh about it, talking about (at the time too) how I had been such a cry baby.

From a very, very young age I learned that crying was wrong. Seriously. It wasn't just weakness, but it was wrong. Being weak was wrong.

If I come out of the hangar looking like Sandra Bullock... soft, gentle, compassionate, feminine...

Will I still be weak?

Or, will I find a sense of empowering strength in being true to who and what I am? Will I find a sense of power in showing to the world what's on the inside of this shell?

And, am I more scared of being real, or of looking stupid in my own mind?

Interesting thought fodder.

Peace unto thy hearts.