I've been thinking a lot about the whole in-patient treatment thing in regard to being so fat. I've been thinking a lot about it. A whole lot. A really whole bunch of a lot. It's been on my mind.

My brain understands what's going on. But I haven't been able to fix it.

The motivation to change isn't enough. It really isn't. I've always been like that. Always. I remember being a child, hell in third grade I attended an alternative school where the children were allowed to study at their own pace. Wonderful concept for driven, ambitious people. Not so good for a Queen of the World wannabe.

I didn't like math, so I didn't do it. I was in an alternative school which gave me the freedom to do what I wanted when I wanted to. I did my reading, writing, arts & crafts and all those "fun" things. But I didn't want to do my math. Then, one friday I was sent home with 13 pages of math homework.

I got home, crying to my parents about how I was required to have this 13 pages of homework done over the weekend, for Monday. My father was upset that the school would place such a strict requirement upon a third grader. And yet, when he called the school, saying that he wanted to talk to the person who had assigned 13 pages of math homework to be accomplished in two days, the person on the other end of the line said, "Oh.. you must be Jennifer's father."

I didn't want to do it during the previous 13 weeks. So I didn't. But, when it came to crunch time and the demand was there, that it be done by deadline, I did it all. And I got it done in time.

When forced, I can work hard. When the motivation is there, I can do the work necessary and I often go above and beyond the necessary. But it takes bringing me to that point.

I have the mentality... I was born to it, so it should be mine. Work for it? Are you kidding me? Give me a good reason!

So what is my motivation in losing weight? To be healthy. To be able to walk and run and play and to be attractive. To be more than just a "pretty face, if only..."

But that's not enough.

I want to be healthy. I really do. I want to be secure and happy with who and what I am. I want to find out exactly who and what I am. And yet, here I am, still fat. Still smoking. Still making up excuses for why I haven't done the things which will enable me to accomplish and attain what I truly want.

I want to be rich. I want someone to give me money to make me rich.

So, here we are at the problem. My desire to be healthy isn't strong enough to change my habits. My desire to be rich isn't strong enough to get a job. My desire to be attractive isn't strong enough to excersize. My desire to be dating isn't strong enough for me to take the risk.

There are many things about me which may well turn someone off, friendship or relationship. However, those are easily dealt with and made up for by my personality.

That is evidenced by the fact that so many people read my diary... so many people in D-land and Yahell chat talk to me, enjoy my company and actually seek me out for legitimate conversation. That is evidenced by the fact that online I have many, many, many friends and acquaintences.

So, why don't I have a huge group of friends IRL?

I have had friends. I haven't had lots of friends IRL. Hell, going online was the biggest ego boost I've had other than Karaoke.

Okay, let me try this again...

Every human in the world has both positive and negative qualities. Friends and acquaintences are those people who overlook the negative because the positive is worth it.

SO, online, it is obvious to me (I've been thinking about this whole schmere for a long time, watching, observing and making notes of reactions etc for nearly 4 years) that over four years I've made a lot of friends. Many of them have filled places in my heart I never knew were empty. Many of these friends overlook certain opinions or proclivities of mine, because the other parts of my personality are worth putting up with the not-cool parts.

In example... Charles talks to me and enjoys my company online (he has said as much and knowing him as long as I have I know without a doubt that if he didn't want to talk to me, he wouldn't) inspite of the fact that I often use little French phrases which he doesn't like. He continues to be my friend and accept my friendship even though I do over-analyze many things. He read my novel even though it is rather juvinile in construction and needs a lot of technical editing before the story line can be edited.

Charles enjoys my friendship because the benefits outweigh the negatives.

Likewise, Russell is my friend and accepts me as his friend inspite of the fact that I often correct his spelling. He is my friend inspite of the fact that I detest and loudly protest anything at all to do with Tom Green. He is still my friend even though I often go overboard in regard to many aspects of my spiritual opinions.

He still enjoys my friendship because the benefits outweigh the negatives.

SO...

What is it that keeps most people in the real world from expressing interest in friendship or upholding friendship with me? What is it that stops them from getting to know me?

Those who have been "forced" to "put up" with me for an extended period of time... I grow on them, so to speak.

Some people have been around me, or vice versa, long enough to see some of the better parts of my personality and decide that the good parts outweigh the negative parts.

The negative part is a combination of two things, as I see it so far. First off, the weight. Secondly, the "aura" of defense which seems to hover around me whenever I leave the house.

Okay, that doesn't make the point I want it to.

hmmmm

I suppose my fear could be the.... *shakes her head* No, cause other people don't see the fear, they see the symptom of the fear.

When I go out, I project an attitude of "Don't approach". That attitude, combined with my size (height as well as weight) is a really big negative right up front. It's would be like walking down a dark alley and seeing someone with a gun in their hand. Immediately I would think that that someone was bad news and I should avoid them if at all possible.

The reason for that attitude is fear. I'm afraid of being hurt. I'm afraid of being ridiculed and shunned. Therefore, I set myself up. I set up a situation in which I can not win.

What do I want? Acceptance. I want love. I want to be soft and gentle and vulnerable without being weak, and I want to have people respect that without taking advantage of me.

I want a man to be protective of me without thinking I am weak. I want a man to want to protect me because he enjoys my company and thinks that simply because I am who I am, I deserve to be protected. RATHER THAN he needing to protect me because I am unable to protect myself.

Did that make sense?

I want a man to protect me because he wants to, rather than because he thinks I can't protect myself.

THAT is one of the biggest reasons I moaned about Bryan for so long. He was protective of me because I deserved it in his opinion, not because I needed it.

===Bear with me... in case you haven't figured this out yet, I'm putting these little snippets of knowledge together as I go along. Like puzzle pieces, I'm figuring out where they're supposed to go as I write this===

So, how does my current method of dealing with people conflict with my desired reaction?

Let me ask you this question.

If you saw a 6'2" (with shoes) woman with her shoulders squared, head up with an aire of challenge about her, would you want to reach out and embrace her? Would you want to protect her? Would you want to befriend her?

Or, would you look at her and think that not only does she not need protection, but she would probably fight you off rather than talk to you?

I think that the majority of people I see, and who see me, in real life, have the latter reaction. Therefore, if I want the more protective, open, interested reaction, it is necessary for me to step outside the aura of anger, resentment and bitterness.

It is necessary for me to walk with my head high, my smile warm and inviting, and my eyes bright and receptive.

I'll try that. I'll do that as an experiment before I sign up for some in-patient fat farm or some such.

I think that maybe, if I receive the positive, desired response, then maybe... just maybe it will boost my confidence enough to provide a decent incentive. A decent motivation which will result in the more healthy appearance.

I don't know... but it won't hurt me if I try!

Will it?