I don�t really have anything of major importance to say, which is partially why I didn�t add an entry yesterday. Or rather, why I didn�t add a �real� entry after my pseudo entry last night.

I do, however, want to comment on something important to me. A question was posed in the BBW club. One of the founders commented on the theory which states that a majority of BBWs and their admirers don�t actually get together as couples because of the low self-esteem of the BBW. The founder wanted to know if that theory was true for any of the club members.

So, I started commenting. And, in my typically verbose manner, kept commenting. *chuckles*

But in my past, my own size has been the reason I didn�t get into relationships. Not because there weren�t males interested, but because I didn�t find anything of worth in my self. You folks have been privy to my maturing, my differing and changing opinions about my self and my life. I wonder if any of you have experienced similar things.

Have any of you lost out on relationships because you didn�t feel worthy of having one? Have any of you damaged relationships because on a subconscious (or even conscious) level believed that you weren�t worthy of happiness?

I�m going to post the response I made in the club. For those of you who read this diary, the response won�t seem that verbose as you get to see my four and five part diary entries. *grins*

But, I would like comments, thoughts, opinions, something... I would like to know your opinions on the issue. And, with that, here is my comment to the BBW club. (For those who might not know, BBW stands for Big Beautiful Woman or in this case the plural, Women)

The biggest (pun definitely intended) problem for me, until just a month or two ago, was the belief that I was disgusting, ugly, gross because of my size. When other people looked at me, no matter what *their* opinion/thought might have been, *I* felt they were condemning me.

Over the past few weeks I've been speaking with a true gentleman and FA. It really took me forcing myself to shut out *my* negative counter-compliments when he would say something complimentary about me.

I am 31. I was married to an FA. I didn't know that. *smiles softly* I didn't understand that someone could actually be attracted to my physical appearance because I was so disgusted by it.

However, Regardless as to being a "fat-chick" as I used to call myself, or being a beautiful, large, strong woman of regal stature, or being a slender "societally accepted" figure, or being model thin... It doesn't matter what the body shape is, it doesn't matter who has what body shape.

This is what I mean:

Whether a person is thin, short, tall, large, obese, tiny, petite, huge, dumpy, svelt doesn't matter at all. Talk to an anorexic. The anorexic may be 5'8 and weigh 110 lbs (very unhealthy and visually skin and bones) but when the anorexic looks in the mirror, they see 5'8 and 500 lbs.

Until the person accepts who and what they are, until the person, individually, chooses to place value upon themselves, rather than accepting implied value from others, they will not be satisfied with their lives.

My husband loved me, but because I hated myself, both inside and out (but, I used my external shape as my excuse "no one likes a fat chick... no one wants to look at this body, my god, my husband could never be happy when I have this huge, ugly body" ) I didn't see or understand his love. I couldn't accept his love because I didn't feel worthy of love.

How this translates to the question:

What I have learned by watching other people and by finally watching myself, is that if one person believes they are worthless, no matter what another person says, thinks, believes, the words will not be accepted.

I.E. Woman thinks she is ugly. Man thinks she is stunningly beautiful. Man tells her that woman is beautiful, his ideal and that he truly, truly wants nothing more than to be near her for the rest of his life. Woman instantly says to herself "He's got to have a couple screws loose, no one could love me with the way I look." Woman says to him. "Oh, I bet you just want sex." Man, offended and rejected, backs off, possibly laughing nervously, saying something akin to, "Yeah, maybe you're right." Then man wanders off because he believes she isn't interested in him. The woman sits there in depression because a really cute guy talked to her and she liked the way he looked and she wanted to hear the words he said, she just knew they were lies. She fights within her own mind thinking that perhaps it would be worth it to just run up to him, say she's sorry, it was a bad joke, even though she knows all he wants is a quick lay. Maybe it would be worth it to have ten minutes of the words she wants to hear even though she "knows" he will leave her as soon as he has gotten climax.

This is what I have seen and felt, myself, for a long while. Until the woman is able to tell HERSELF the words the man used. Seriously, until the woman is able to say to herself that she is special, precious, adored, treasured, wonderful... the woman is going to let her self-doubt cancel out any and all opportunities for a relationship with a loving, tender, honest FA.

The way I opened up/came around:

I made a promise to myself on my birthday this year, September 17th. I told myself that I had to find a different way to live. I started, on my birthday, (and I promised myself I would do this, religiously for at least one full month) saying these few phrases, out loud, at least three times a day.

"I am happy."

"I like who and what I am."

"I love the person I am."

"My life is better with every single day that passes."

After a month, I started saying other things too, but I kept saying those, it became something that I said because I'd "always" said it. It was just a habit that I didn't break. I didn't think about it. But then, a month ago, I was looking over my life and I was shocked to find that I truly do like who and what I am.

I was shocked, but I was even more surprised because I didn't understand how I couldn't have seen it before, you know? Like suddenly realizing that the green bushy thing outside your window is a tree. Amazing... I know what trees look like, I wonder why I didn't recognize that as a tree before.

It was that kind of revelation to me. I studied back, I ran my mind back until I could identify WHEN I started feeling happy, when I started truly liking myself, when I truly saw value in who and what I was. It started on my birthday.

I still have to remind myself that the voice of doubt is not mine. When this gentleman and I speak, once in a while he will comment on how beautiful he thinks I am. In the past, I would say and think, "Yeah, right, what have you been smokin, bubba." But now, when he says that to me, I say, aloud, "You're right. And thank you for reminding me. I like to hear that." *smiles*

That destructive, sibilant voice still tries to defeat me at times, but I won't let it. When he tells me I'm beautiful, that little, sibilant voice opens it's mouth, but before it can get a single word out, I pinch its mouth shut, saying aloud (sometimes softly if I'm in public) "I am beautiful. I am happy, so very happy. And I love who and what I am."

That negative voice has been growing steadily weaker. And, in the very, very near future, it will be gone completely.

As a former "fat chick" and a current beautiful human female, I ask this of the FAs out there, not a plea, but a request.

When a woman you're interested in, online or offline, rejects you, take a step back, look at the situation logically and move forward again. Don't compliment her size immediately. Most self-conscious women I have interviewed instantly have that negative voice screaming loudly in their head canceling out everything you say.

Have patience. Say, out loud, "You are beautiful in my eyes." That sets you out as different and gives her the opportunity to hear your words, rather than the negative voice in her own mind.

Just a few thoughts following a lot of rambling.

Thank you for your time.

J

AKA

The Fatal Tiger