All right, folks. This is a strange diary entry. I planned to talk about my recent correspondance with Bryan and what it means and what I�ve said etc. However, my mother just called me, telling me that Dad fell and thinks he broke his leg, so they�re on their way to the emergency room.

I�m sitting here, staring at the screen, all the words I�d planned to pour out, just... gone.

I�ll be back.

Okay, I�m back. Yes, so that was only about 15 minutes or thereabouts. I prayed about it. My Dad�s just fine. I don�t know what the doc�s are going to say, but as far as I�m concerned, Dad�s just fine. I personally think he may have just strained a tendon. I believe nothing is broken.

We went out to dinner tonight. Mom and Dad, myself, Yvonne and the kidlets. Chinese. Nummy. Food was good, company was good. Both kids were in pretty good moods and even Yvonne was a little less talkitive. Not really less talkitive, but less self absorbed. It was wonderful to get to enjoy dinner with them. Of course, it didn�t hurt that both �Rents and Yvonne commented on my appearance. In a good way.

*grins* Yes, I�m a sucker for compliments. And I enjoyed them. I didn�t hide from them this time. *laughs softly* No nagging inner voice saying that I didn�t deserve to be happy. Heh. Take that, bubba.

Life is good.

Now, on to the deal with Bryan. Yeah, him. Remember him? He�s the one about whom I have filled this diary with complaints and bitching. About a week or so ago, I sent him a very brief note. Since I�d been working with mom�s digital camera, I had a couple test pics of myself and I sent one to him. I made some humorous comment about how I could always count on him for a pitty chuckle.

He wrote back.

*chuckles* Yeah, it floored me, but, I thought it was cool. So, last night, I finally responded to his reply. It took me about four days before I could figure out what words to say. I gave him a very brief update of my life and told him that I was glad he was happy. I meant it.

So, early this morning, before I logged off, he sent a reply. I was shocked and pleased. And so I was composing another reply. This will be volley number three. *chuckles*

The point? I�m going to post the letter that I started. I�m sure you�ll be able to tell why I didn�t send it. *chuckles* I�ll be editing and fine tuning the letter before I actually send it to him. There are things he doesn�t need to know yet. And still, I want to tell him so much, ya know?

The tricky part is this: I don�t want to put any pressure on him. I don�t want to be a source of confusion or sorrow because I don�t want to get between he and his wife in any way. The last thing they need as a married couple is to have me write a letter telling Bryan exactly how I felt about him, then have him depressed and confused and feeling guilty, and not be able to explain it to her.

I don�t know if there is any �appropriate� time to tell someone else�s husband that you were so desperately in love with them that you would have done anything just for one last glance.

I just don�t think it�s appropriate for me to say, �Hey, why is it okay for you to move to Dallas to be with her, when you weren�t willing to leave your precious mountains for me? After all, here at the Ocean, you�re less than an hour from the Olympic mountains and just three hours from the Cascades (which are real mountains, similar to the Rockies.)�

I also don�t think it�s appropriate for me to say, �Was she better to you because when you asked her about your �endowment� she lied?�

*chuckles*

Yeah, I don�t think those are questions I should be asking him. Maybe when he�s 70 years old and I�m 75. Yeah, then I can ask him those kinds of questions.

Anyway, the following is my letter to him; the third volley.

Everything in teal is my letter to him. His comments are in italics.

Mmmm, responses, how I love them. *chuckles*

Yes, I have found a much better place. The physical location is just that, a physical location, but the mental and emotional status is wonderful and... and I've been waiting too long.

Some of this might hurt, I don't intend it to, and I'm probably going to edit this many times before I send it, knowing myself the way I do:

===I have thought about you a lot and wondered how you are doing. I wanted to write, but for some reason I thought you would be mad or at least a little perturbed at me for losing contact.===

No, not mad. In fact, I think that I wouldn't be where I am, mentally and emotionally, today, if you had continued contact. The last two years have been really hard on me. Much better now, of course, but...

Anyway, no, I'm not mad. It was necessary, for me, that you not have any contact with me. I think that if I had been forced to be friendly and or polite, I would have... I don't know. But it would have been a lot harder.

As it is, I can truly and honestly say that I want every possible joy for your life. I want you and [wife] to be as wrapped up in each other as.... well, as is humanly possible. I want both of you to be so immersed in each other that you remain a solid and staunchly married couple until, literally, death does part you.

In addition to that, if ever my being around via Text or anything else... if ever my presense causes even an iota of diffuculty for your relationship, I will butt out so quickly. Know and remember that. If you ever need someone to talk to about your life in general, I'll listen. If you need someone to listen to minor squables, I'll listen. If you have problems with her, ever, you talk to her about it and I will be gone up out of here.

--notice the lack of an interesting segue--

===So, I took the easy way out and just let it be. Sorry for that... I really am.===

Please, Bryan, don't be sorry. Yes, it hurt, a lot, but it would have hurt a hell of a lot more to try and support you. We both needed the time apart. You to focus on your fiance, me to stop focusing on you and turn my focus onto me, finally. I've been writing a lot. And I mean a whole lot. Not just stories and "fluff" but... well, I have an online diary.

I told you about it a while back, a long while back. As of this coming march, it will be two years old. And as of today, there are 587 entries. *chuckles* Many of them are four and five part entries. But through writing this online (read, public) diary, I have learned many things about myself. I have poured my heart out upon the pages comprised of millions of pixels. And the outpouring has left a place for healing to begin.

I've purged hurts and angers I didn't know I had. *smiles softly* I have dredged up memories so old I thought they happened to someone else. But, though I haven't been able to read through any of the old entries yet (don't have the interest in rehashing two-year-old ramblings) I have a record of my personal growth in and out of life.

My faith in God has increased a million fold. And there is a peace about me, physically. I just... feel at peace. It's a very nice experience for me. And, all over the place, I feel a lot like Al Pacino in Scent of a Woman when he says "I'm just gettin warmed up." *laughs softly*

I have softened. I have thrown off the need for my own shell of defense, which is why I've discarded so much weight, I think. I am regaining, for myself, the feeling I had when you were out here. That perfection that I thought you brought to me... *smiles softly* I am building it up for myself.

That's largely why I think it's best we didn't have as close contact since you went back home. I felt whole, and perfect and pure while you were here. It happened the second you stepped off the plane. And I thought... I really believed that you had... somehow... magically gifted me with that. With purity... something I haven't felt since 87, before the whole debacle with jonny.

*shrugs*

I don't know. As I look at this, rereading the words, I think I should again pause, come back to this later. I think this is still too much too soon, ya know? Too intense a revelation so soon after reestablishing contact.

So, I'm going to close this for the time being and I'll return to it a little later tonight. Maybe I'll send it to you tonight, maybe I'll just put it in my diary. Who knows?

Wow, you have a "day" job. If that happened, I will get one too and the Cowboys will win the Super Bowl next year. But let's not push it too far... *grins*

I think I am going to take the job with [company name]. There are a couple of new sites starting up, a bank and another Albertson's grocery store, starting next week and they are needing some immediate help. I just need to give enough notice here so I do not burn any bridges.

As for the guy in Seattle, follow your heart. Do what is comfortable for you. (As if we ever followed our advice *grins, again*) You know you the best. You know what you need and want and as hard as it sounds, look out for number one. Live for yourself, do what you want. Make sense?

When you get Designing Destiny ready, I would love to read it.

[edited out: information will be given to specific individual in less public setting]

Well, this is my work email address and I have 15 minutes until I leave. No expressed warranty is given or implied with this email... I am sure there are grammatical errors and the like, but frankly, I am too friggin tired to give a... you know... I am starting to hate these 12 hour shifts.

I answer this address Wed thru Fri nights and every other Saturday. Other then that, you can reach me at [email] That forwards to my primary addy on AOhelL. I checked my Hotmail account on a whim and lo and behold you sent something.

So, what do you think? You can see where I just stopped writing. What more do I want to say? What more should I say? The two seem to be mutually exclusive at times.

There�s a part of me that wants to say that no one else will ever love him the way I did. But that�s the point to me. That one little word changes everything. �Did�. I don�t love him like that anymore. I�m not sure if my personal growth is responsible for changing the depth and breadth of my love, or vice versa.

A part of me, yes, a part of me wants to tell Bryan that there are certain songs I hear which instantly spur a memory of him. Most recently? The song I�m listening to now. It�s Been A While from Staind.

It�s been a while
since I�ve seen the way
the candles light your face
It�s been a while
but I can still remember
just the way you taste.

And everything I can�t remember
As fucked up as it all may seem...
to me...
I know it�s me
I can not blame this on my father
He did the best he could for me.

It�s been a while
since I could hold
my head up high
it�s been a while
since I said I�m sorry.

So, the quandry part? Though there is the part of me that does want to exhibit some Sadistic tendancies and just nail Bryan into the ground with such melodramatic phrases as, �How could you not have known how desperately in love with you I was? How could you be so cold and callous to me?�, the kind, gentle and loving side of me wants to just smile at him, recognize how very much I loved him, and accept the fact that yes, once you�ve recovered, it is better to have loved and lost than never to have known what love feels like.

But, that brings me to the reason I can �trust him� again. That brings me to the reason I am able to say to myself, �Yes, it hurt, but that doesn�t mean he needs to hurt now.�

Because I loved him, and because I felt that tremendous and breath catching, life altering, body-and-soul kind of commitment, I have realized one very important detail which most people never figure out.

I am my own soul mate.

What do I mean by that? I mean, simply, that before I loved him so completely, I didn�t know what that felt like. I didn�t know what it was to feel pure and whole and unbroken after being broken. I didn�t know what it felt like to be complete, after being so destroyed for so long.

Because of that, Now that I recognize the feeling again, but in regard to myself, I know what it is. I know that I can literally do anything I want to if I just put enough effort into it. I know that I am pure and whole and complete in and of myself. I am no longer dysfunctional.

Some of you might think that�s not a big deal. Some of you might look over my diary and think that I�m full of shit if I think I�m not dysfunctional. *laughs* But I�m serious here. The fact that I have life, breath, and love for myself, I realize that I will not put myself in a position to be used. I realize that I love myself enough to keep me safe without needing to be a tough, angry, bitter, biker-bitch.

I learned, through finally being able to identify what love really felt like, that I am more than worthy.

I love my life. I love me. I love who and what I am. And, I�m getting better, more intelligent, more healthy and more peaceful every single day of my life.

Will I tell Bryan these things? Maybe. Some day.

For the time being, I will keep my relationship with him friendly and gentle. I will not compromise his relationship with his wife. In any way. I will write a letter, read it through many times and give myself at least a day to think about what I�ve said to him. And, for now, I will not tell him how deeply in love with him I was. Maybe when we�re both very, very old. Maybe, when we both have the maturity to handle a revelation like that. But not now.

Peace unto thy hearts, folks.