Alright... I knew I wasn't gonna do this again, but tough shit. Just started thinking about him and mutherfucker, my emotions don't give a rat's ass about reality.

Bryan... I can't help but think he read this diary, was offended by my conversation about him, and chose not to reply ever again. Tho, that's not the man I knew as my friend for two and a half years.

Now, common sense says that he's really busy, that he's gotten a new job or something and all the time he isn't spending working, he's spending with his girlfriend. However, the hyper-sensitive side of me says that there's something more to it than that. I mean, come on... I haven't had a personal letter from him in over six weeks.

I got a forward from him a while back, which I posted... That's the ONLY thing I've gotten from him. He's never on AOHell Instant Messenger anymore. He doesn't slip into chat. He's not there when I call. Granted, I've only called twice.

I'd like a little advice here...

Should I tell myself that the friendship is over?

Should I wait patiently?

Should I write him continually, barraging his email box with letters?

Should I eliminate him from my mind?

Should I tell myself that if his relationship doesn't work with her, then he'll come back to be my friend?

God this hurts, ya know? It's really pathetic. I feel like a stupid little girl, some junior high priss being upset because the cute boy didn't smile at her in the hallway.

Fuck me... Honestly, do I sound as petty and juvinile as I feel? *chuckles* Gah... I should probably just write him off... at least for the time being. When he needs someone to listen to him, I'll be here. He knows that.

Sometimes the way I view the world opens me up for a hell of a lot of pain. But I do it to myself. I have to admit that and accept it.

This is a pattern he follows. When his life is moving, busy, when he's got things to do and friends to be with and shit... Hell...

When he's got stuff to do, he's only thinking about the stuff he has to do. *smiles softly* I know that I'm important to him, and I know he thinks about me once in a while. But....

*sighs*

Okay, this is the thing.

Since he went back home, after being out here for those five days. He's been involved with a couple different people, and his letter writing has fallen by the way-side. *smiles tenderly* The fear, internal and foolish as it may seem... is that this man, who believed in me and trusted me and communicated his deepest fears and confidence to me... has disappeared from my life. He's just.... gone.

And it's after he came out here. After he saw me. *winces* My god, the thing that hurts is that I personally felt something. Obviously he didn't. At least, he says he didn't.

That makes me feel stupid enough.

But, the thought that hits me, kinda hard... Is the reason he doesn't want to have anything to do with me now, after he's seen me, is it because I'm fat???

It's not like I lied to him before he came out. It's not like I mislead him at all. I told him, point blank, that I was fat. Hugely so. I sent him pics. the only pics I have of me. I didn't hide who and what I was from him in the least.

I just... I feel used, I guess. And I feel stupid for feeling used, as he never said he wanted a relationship with me. And I..... I don't know, but I'm stopping here because I hate sounding like the fuckin whimp this sounds like.

I really hate it. Fuck me, no one should ever see me cry. I don't cry. I don't get fucked up like this anymore. It's icky.

C'est la vie, non?

Au revoir...

J