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2000-05-06 - 23:42:12 Alright... I'm irritated. And confused. I love having friends. But I also hate having friends. I know that a certain friend is going to read this, and might get angry with me for what I say, but I have to say this. I have to get it out... and I'm really, really bad with confrontation. See, I've been thinking about writing Tiger's story. Ya know, writing the story of her life and adventures and the like, kinda like a novel or something. I've been playing with this idea, cause I like the thought of actually getting something like that published... but I'm also a little nervous about it, cause I don't know if I could actually pull it off and make it a good story. Now, a very good friend of mine has brought it to my attention that he is highly disatisfied with the way I've been portraying his character in my story. He has a valid point. And I have portrayed his character in a bad light. His character meant far more to Tiger than I have intimated... But I wasn't able to give my point. God, I hate confrontation so much. Probably more than Mel does. But this is the point I want to make to him... The novel I'm thinking about writing is about Tiger, her experiences, her thoughts and would probably be told from her point of view. Because it would be told from her point of view... it would be told with her reticense to divulge her true feelings. Hell, she doesn't even know what her true feelings are. I'm using the diary for a two fold purpose... 1) To make a note book of sorts where I can write down memories as they resurface in my mind. A kind of listing, I guess, of Tiger's memories as they filter through my own subconscious. Many of the people who were major players in Tiger's life have not been mentioned at all yet. 2) To attempt a "healing" of sorts for Tiger the character. Possibly provide her with a way to grow up, deal with her past, find out who and what she really is and see if there's a way for her to grow up. Ya know... Deal with her evils.
So, I guess what I want to say is this... Yes, I have portrayed his character as something less than he really was to Tiger. BUT, I"m trying to keep Tiger's diary in character as much as possible. Speaking the way Tiger would... telling what Tiger would. The narrative was really messed up, specifically because my memory sucks. it really sucks and I've never hidden that fact. What I request, seriously, if you know of something that's a blatant error in the narrative only... Tiger's history... if you see errors, please tell me. Write to me at either [email protected] or [email protected]. If Tiger has gotten memories wrong, correct her recollection by posting on her message board from her diary site. Tiger's memory is supposedly better than mine, but she's severely handicapped by her typist. Anyway... I've already edited the history a little bit. Not much at all, but a little. And I intend to edit it more. And, just for those of you who don't know... I don't handle correction well, so write it down and email it to me. I'll read it, get upset at myself, put it aside for a few hours or a day, then go back to it, see the validity and I will then either make the corrections, or give you a reason why not. I can deal with it maturely. But sometimes it takes a few hours before my hurt feelings are soothed. *chuckles* it really, really bothers me when someone notices that I did something wrong. I mean, it really bothers me. And, because of that, sometimes I need to release the bad feelings and the guilt I have over being wrong before I can look at the problem objectively. BUT, I will look at the problem objectively. And unless I believe you're really wrong, I will willingly admit my errors and apologize for them. Just don't bitch at me about it. I can't handle that. And, for another tangent... I remember one time when I actually got so pissed off/scared that I would have killed someone. And tried to. I was about 10 or so. Maybe as old as 13, tho I don't think so... most likely I was about 10. My Brother and I were staying with friends of my parents... we were friends with their kids. My brother and Dennis were "playing". They were wrestling or something, and Dennis started choking my brother. Now, I don't mean just a friendly, sporting choke. I mean, all out choking. My brother's eyes were bugging out, he was banging on the ground. I got pissed and was yelling at Dennis to let my brother go. Finally Dennis released him. They did this about five or six times. Maybe more. It was a long time ago, I don't remember all the details. But I remember my brother trying to scream. I remember his eyes buggin out. I remember his face getting all red and shit. And I remember the sound of his breath, gasping through his crushed throat. And I remember how they wouldn't stop. I was screaming. Each time they'd stop this "game" both Dan (my brother) and Dennis would laugh their asses off at me. They'd point and laugh. It was humiliating. But they got me, every time. I would get more pissed, and more scared. I knew it was my personal responsibility to make sure my brother stayed alive. I went into the kitchen. Grabbed a knife. A big one. I went after Dennis. I don't remember who stopped me. I remember Denise (the friend's daughter) crying and screaming. And I remember Dennis and my brother laughing. pointing at me with a knife in my hand, and laughing at me. Laughing hard. Making fun of me. Humiliating me. I remember not being allowed to go back to their house for a long time. My Mom didn't know about that. the parents never told my parents. My Mom just found out about a year or so ago. I finally told her. It was not a good situation. A few plugs... just cause... Thanks for your time, friends. And thanks for listening to be bitch and complain. Peace unto thy hearts. J
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