Hmmmm, Diary Entry Time. Heh.

I�ve been postponing this for a long, long while. I suppose it�s about time for me to actually write a little more. I�m going to post a little bit of the previous thought-thread so that you can attempt to keep up with my bizarre mental jumps. Or something.

So, um, onward.

I�ve been spending a very large portion of my life expecting miraculous intervention. I just sort of expected things to be handed to me... expected my decisions to be made for me. I�m not sure if that�s completely a �thing� of mine, or if that�s more a universal developmental thing. I would tend toward the latter as I�ve seen others go through similar beliefs.

Regardless, I�ve been �expecting� a miraculous intervention. Kind of like having someone just pick me up and put me in the place I�m supposed to be. And yet, that�s not the way life is turning out.

I suppose that if this is a universal thing, that most people go through this in their early to mid twenties. I�ve always been a little slower on the uptake. Heh. it does take me a bit longer to get my arse in gear sometimes.

I don�t know. Maybe this is a thing that happens to people when they hit their thirties. I remember talking with a friend of mine a few years back. He told me that when men hit thirty, they realize that they have greater responsibility... they realize that they have to change their lives, their mentalities... their mindset, so to speak. Maybe this is what he was talking about???

I don�t know.

I have the opportunity to go to a theological college where I will earn my Bachelor�s degree. They�re a fully accredited college and will take the credits from my previous college stints. The thing I really like about this opportunity is that the class structure is more my style. Okay, by that I mean that the classes are lecture/book with the �test� parts being a paper. Me? I can write. I can even organize my thoughts enough to get a fairly coherent report done.

For every six-week intensive course, you read the material and write a 15 page paper. It counts as four credits. I like this idea. And, the 15 page paper isn�t that big a deal because they want it in Arial 14. Since I usually write in Arial 8 it would be only an 8 page paper. Heh. If that much.

*sighs*

The problem? It�s a step out of my comfort zone. Do I want to dive into a church group? Not really. Do I want to study with people who actually believe in the concept of heaven and hell? No, not really. Do I want to spend a couple years going to school and learning how to be a missionary and learning how to convert people? not at all. However, they have a music program.

I feel led. I�m just... *shrugs* Dunno.

There are so many �if�s, ya know? I have to keep putting one foot in front of the other. I know that very well. The administrator of the school read my Email personally, replied personally. Her comments? Come to class. Be here on the 10th of September and we�ll work everything else out.

They have housing. They want me there. They�ll be nice to me. They won�t growl or bitch if I do something wrong. I have all those assurances straight from her. But I�m still nervous about it. Why?

*thinks*

There is no logical explanation for my nervousness. Therefore, there is no reason to be nervous. Therefore I will not be nervous.

Heh. Easier said than done, methinks.

*sighs quietly*

What are the benefits to going to this specific college?

They will take my previous college credits whether or not they have anything to do with religion or music.
The class size is small. Approximately 10 students or so per class.
My Father can supply them with materials, thus negating my need to pay tuition.
They provide housing
They�ll help me get a mundane job for spending money while I�m there.
The housing is on the bus route to the school
They have a nurturing, loving attitude
They believe in and on God.

So, what are the cons?

It�s out of my comfort zone.
I would have to rely on the bus for transportation until I can (somehow) get my license reinstated
I�ll have to actually, ya know, study
I wouldn�t be able to take Joey with me. (I don�t really know that.)

I can�t think of any other cons at this moment. I keep trying to think of some major negative that would cancel out this option, but I can�t find one. All the other cons are really quite easy to deal with and get around. Except the whole Joey thing. That one bothers me.

I keep thinking about the comfort zone thing.

I remember when I started working a few days a week for my boss. It was out of my comfort zone and I didn�t want to do it. But, I have improved my life dramatically and I am happy. I enjoy working for her and I enjoy the little bit of independence I feel I have. This, in my opinion, is a very good thing.

Atop that, I know that if I actually went to this school, I would find even more growth within myself. I know that I would blossom and improve both physically and mentally. But I�m still nervous. Why? There is no reason.

I like who and what I am now. I didn�t have that last year.

I know that this next year is going to be even better. And I think that a part of that �betterness� is going to this specific college.

So, I�m just talking in circles and bitching and whining for no reason whatsoever. I remind myself so much of my sister at this present moment in time.

Okay, I�ll shut up. I�m going, I�m going. I know I�m going.

I feel like I�m digging my heels into the sand. It�s as if I have to fight this just for the sake of putting up a fight. As if I needed an excuse for myself in the future in case I drop out of this one too. *shrugs* but I�m not going to drop out of this one.

I really do want my degree. I want both my Bachelors and my Masters. I�ve been planning them. I also want a Doctorate, but I�m not planning on that one quite yet.

I also have this feeling that I�ll be meeting my husband if I actually go to this school. Not necessarily that my husband will be a student or teacher, but...

*growls at herself*

I believe that if I can get myself to push through this little mental block I keep throwing up for myself, I will be able to throw away some of the shit in my head. That means that I�ll be able to behave in a more appropriate manner. What does all that confusing double talk mean? It means that if I get my head screwed on straight, I will be more attractive to the kind of man to whom I�m attracted.

I know that if I want to have a specific kind of man as a husband, I have to be the kind of woman that kind of man is attracted to.

I got Duncan because I was fat. He was attracted to fat women. He was attracted to women who have just enough sense of self to send their food back if they don�t like the way it was prepared. But he doesn�t want a woman with too much sense of self. He wants a woman who is sickly so that he has someone to take care of.

*shrugs*

I don�t want to be �taken care of�. I mean... I like the idea, but I�ve already tried that. The guy didn�t take care of me the way I wanted him to. Therefore, perhaps I should show a little ingenuity. Perhaps I should show a little personal growth. Heh.

What is my goal in going to school? This particular school...

Wow. I really have to think about that. I�ve just spent the past five minutes (okay, one minute) staring at the computer screen trying to think of a goal.

I think I have found the reason I�m nervous. I don�t have a goal. I have a few dreams. I mean, I�d love to be up there on stage, singing my heart out and bringing Glory to God. But that�s not a goal. I can bring glory to God just by opening my mouth in my bedroom and letting the Holy Spirit move through me in song. It�s happened many, many, many times before.

What is my goal?

I dunno.

I have to think about that. I need to figure that part out.

I�ll return when I�ve figured that out.

Loves.