I�m in pain.

Don�t you love how descriptive I can be with three little words? Heh.

I did something to my back yesterday. I have either pinched a nerve, or I�ve popped a vertebrae out of place. I don�t know exactly what, but it hurts like a banshee�s scream. Or something.

My right side, about shoulder-blade level, hurts. I can�t get a deep breath. I can�t bend over. I can�t stand up or sit down without holding my right arm tight against my body. This is not a good thing. *shrugs* But such is the way of life.

Right now I�m listening to a variety of musical selections. Everything from Eric Clapton to Bare Naked Ladies; with some Weird Al Yankovic and trance thrown in. I�ve been thinking about what I should write about, but I just dunno yet. It hasn�t �come to me� so far. Perhaps if I just type away a little longer, something will fall out of my brain.

I do want to talk a little about Duncan. I�ve been thinking about him a lot as of late. I�ve also been praying about him quite a bit. I�ve heard, from two different sources, that he and Patricia have split up. I am quite happy about this.

I think he will do much, much better without Patricia�s influence in his life. I�m just hoping that he finds strength in himself, ya know? I don�t want him to backslide and fall in with someone else immediately, thinking that he can�t possibly live alone.

He does have his daughter to take care of and that may give him enough to not need a woman in his bed. I keep wanting to make contact with him, but it�s not the right time. He needs to look at me only as a friend and if he is freshly out of a �relationship� then he won�t be able to focus only on friendship.

I would like to meet his daughter eventually. I spoke with her over the phone once.

I really want to find out why he and Patricia split. I know that if I talked with Yvonne, I could find out why, but I don�t want to go that route. -- Yvonne is good friends with a woman who works with Duncan. I�ve heard plenty of rumors and hints through that grapevine (unsolicited) and I�m not keen on the grape leaves, if you get my meaning. -- I would much rather hear straight from Duncan.

I�ve never liked getting my information through other people. I like going directly to the source. I suppose that�s largely because I don�t like it when people talk about me. I would far rather have to answer the questions myself than have someone else saying what I mean. *rolls her eyes* How does someone else know what I mean, anyway? I have a tough enough time figuring that out. Heh.

Regardless, back to Duncan.

I am concerned for him. I want him to be happy. I want him to be successful. I want him to get out of the hell he�s been living in. There is something so... not quite maternal but close, about me that want�s to just pull him close and hold him for a while. I suppose it�s the healer in me. I want to make sure that his every need is met. I don�t want to meet it for him and I don�t want him to use me as his sole life support. But I want him to find peace within himself.

*smiles softly* I know that some of my friends will think I�ve completely lost my mind. They would probably say things like, �Why would you care at all about someone who was so bad to you?� Heh.

Because
• I want everyone to be �nice�.

• I was mean and bad to him too

• It takes two to get married and likewise, it takes two to get unmarried.

• He is a human being and as such deserves the benefit of the doubt.

• Contrary to my own belief at the time, I was the �smart one� of that relationship

• I would want someone to have mercy on me thus I try to have mercy on others.

I�m sure that there are plenty of other reasons, but for now, that�s good enough.

I have this internal desire to make all of Duncan�s pains go away. I�m not sure if that�s solely because I don�t want anyone to be in pain or if there�s still a connection to him as ex spouses. I don�t think that matters too much, however.

I do miss him. He was a really great friend while we were dating. I would really like to get the friendship back.

If I could have my ideal relationship with him, what would it be?

*thinks*

I would like to have the social stuff. Getting to barbecue with him. Going to the movies and then talking about the movies afterward. Having dinner occasionally. The conversations. Sitting on the couch, watching a movie or TV show and then just losing ourselves in conversation for four hours afterward. Heh.

I would like to walk along the water with him, talking and listening to his jokes. I would like to be his confidant again.

What do I not want? I don�t want any romantic undertones (or overtones for that matter). I don�t want any holding hands, hugging, sexual tension. Nothing like that.

I remember when I was in Dallas early last year. Charles and I would watch a movie or two. We would talk. When we went to Gulf Wars, we spent a few nights just talking. He listened to what I had to say and he didn�t condemn me for the things for which I�ve condemned myself so many times. I�m sure there were times when I either confounded or frustrated Charles, but not once did he ever let on.

I would like to have a similar relationship with Duncan. I would like to have the opportunity to walk and talk. I would like the opportunity to have some social interaction with a friend without the threat of sexual advances or interest. I want a real friendship with Duncan.

I just don�t think he�s ready for that yet. I don�t think he�s even capable of that yet. I don�t know for sure though because I haven�t gotten to �read� him lately. Hell, it�s been four years since I�ve spent more than half an hour with him. The last time I saw him face to face was at the Karaoke place a month or so ago.

Dunno. Maybe I�m just setting myself up for discomfort and confusion. Maybe I�m hoping for something which is impossible to attain. Perhaps I�m just over-analyzing yet another aspect of my life. Not like that would be anything new. Heh.

I want Duncan to be happy. I want him to feel safe and secure. And I want him to be a good and upright example for his daughter. Is that impossible for him? Perhaps. But I still want it.

I still believe that, somehow, I could be a good influence on him. Heh. Perhaps that�s my problem, thinking that I could actually influence his life.

I suppose that I will find the answers to these questions when the time is right. For now, I just have to chill out and focus on getting my own life in order. If I suddenly stop paying attention to what is good and right for me, and start focusing on what�s good and right for Duncan, won�t I find myself back in the same place I was when we got married?

*smiles softly*

I care about him a lot. I want his every positive wish to come true. But, I don�t want to backslide in order for him to be happy. I�ve gained a lot of ground in the four years since we divorced. I have no intention, whatsoever, to lose that ground.

I like the person I am now. I like the person I�m becoming. I don�t want to stop this progress in order to make Duncan feel better about who and what he is. The best way for me to be a positive example, is to keep climbing this cliff face until I have reached solid and stable ground. Once I�m there, then I can look back and offer him a rope or something.

I�m not interested in climbing back down the cliff to give him something to stand on. *smiles softly* He can be a wonderful and powerful man. But if he doesn�t find that wonder and power within himself, he won�t ever reach the summit. *shrugs*

The time is not quite right to be his friend.