6 23 03

10a

Jeremiah 30:1-31:14

The restoration of Israel

This specific passage talks about when God will send Jesus to ransom mankind. God tells us of how we (Israel) sinned and continually got into trouble� how we willfully ignored the laws God gave us. It tells of how we (Israel) have been punished, sometimes with seeming cruelty, and how the redeemer will return us to the promised land.

Though the words identify Israel and David and Jesus, we can directly apply this to ourselves. At least, I can directly apply this to myself.

I�ve been a sinner. I�ve made some really, really, really bad choices in my life. Some of those choices were outright �sin� while some of them were pseudo sin � just unwise. The brief interlude with Shari� The interaction with the ex. Choices which were outright illegal� Having a god before God. That�s a big one.

I never overtly worshiped something other than God, but I�ve made choices and ignored those gut-feelings� I�ve chosen to ignore what God tells me in order to attain temporary money. That means putting money in God�s place.

I�ve ignored what God tells me in order to get a few more hours of sleep. Again, that�s putting sleep/my comfort before God. That�s idolatry. I�ve smoked even when God tells me not to. That is a form of idolatry� having a god before God.

Sin is sin, folks. A little bit is just as bad as a lot. It�s not like salt, where a little bit can make something a little better tasting. Sin is like shit. Even a little bit still tastes like shit.

Well, before I granted God my life, these things were impossible to deal with. Sure, I could rationalize pretty much anything, I could find a way to make it not so bad. �it�s just a little salt� kind of. Now, though, �

This is what I want to say:

When I don�t let Jesus into my life; when I try to be a good person all on my own, I fail pretty much every time. But, when I give my life, my heart, my mind, my strength over to God, it becomes Jesus living within me who makes the choices and decisions and moves my feet in the direction He wants them to go.

When I refuse to listen to what Jesus tells me, my life is hard, I get punished by my own choices. Yet, when I give up control to Jesus, doing what He instructs, my life is at peace, gentle, loving, kind and easy.

If I can continue to give my life to Jesus every minute, there is no need for punishment, for cruelty, for pain.

*sighs*

So, why is it so difficult to give my life over to Jesus? Why is it so difficult to acquiesce and let God lead me? This is an honest question. I KNOW my life is better when I butt out. I have felt the goodness, the wonderful feelings which fill me when I do things His way. And yet, it�s so freaking hard to acquiesce.

I could say that it�s satan working to screw me over� that satan wants to destroy me so much that he�s the one mucking up my life. But if I�m going to be completely honest, that�s simply not possible.

satan is nothing more than an angel in a creepy mask. He was created by God, chose to go his own way and has claimed more power than he actually has. I am human. I have been created, designed and fashioned by God�s own hand. I have been given free will and the ability to think and process. I have been given a mind. Because I am human, God�s child, I have authority over satan and his demonic supporters. As a human, I have authority over the angels and spirits of this world.

Because I am also Jesus� sister and wife, and God�s daughter, called into His family, I am also of royal blood. Not only do I have authority over satan and his hoard as a human being (the humans were created higher than the angels), but I also have authority as part of the Royal family of God. In addition to that, I have authority due to my position as Jesus� wife.

Like an unruly servant, however, satan doesn�t respect my authority. He doesn�t respect anyone�s authority, really, but he laughs at my thought. satan laughs at my belief in being superior to him. But I am, and I know it.

So, satan has no control over me. He is completely helpless to make me do things. He is capable, however, of prompting choices; of bringing opportunities to sin into my path. At these times, it is my responsibility to give Jesus the right of way in my life; to pull back my human nature and say, �Okay God, this is your fight. I�m just gonna do what you tell me to.�

So, satan can give me a cigarette, but he can�t make me smoke it. He can give me ice cream, but he can�t make me buy it. Like those old cartoons with the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other, I can listen to the negative or I can listen to the positive. It is my responsibility to listen to the positive.

But, how do I do that? How do I make the positive instinctual? How do I make the positive the first choice? I have to get up and do Bible study every morning. I have to get up and pray and do Bible study.

Lately, I�ve been doing Bible study, but I haven�t been praying. Why? Because I�m still smoking. I don�t want to admit my sin in such a formal way.

It�s like walking into the house, drunk off your butt, so drunk that you can�t walk straight. Your mom or dad is there but you�re unwilling to talk to them because you know your breath reeks of alcohol. It�s only a bogus protection for yourself because anyone with half a brain would be able to tell, hands down, that you�re bombed out of your gourd. But you don�t talk, you don�t say anything because you don�t want anyone to smell that you�ve been drinking.

Like that, I don�t want to talk to God because then He would know, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that I have sinned. Not just made a mistake, but chosen the wrong path in the face of His mercy. Repeatedly.

I know He knows I�ve sinned. I know that He will look at me with love in His eyes and I can�t handle that. I can�t handle knowing that I�ve chosen the wrong thing AGAIN, and He will still love me.

That�s why I don�t pray.

Instead, I grab another cigarette to numb my guilt.

I know you love me, God. I know you�re waiting, patiently, for me to give you the smokes, the lighter, of my own free choice. I know you will wait for me. But damn it� I don�t want you to see me like this. I don�t want you to see me drunk in my own asinine behavior. I don�t want you to see me this way.

Each time I choose a French fry over a banana� each time I choose a burger instead of a salad� each time I choose my way instead of yours� I don�t want you to see me that way. I don�t want you to know how filthy this feels inside. I don�t want you to know how guilty I am. You can�t live in here. You can�t live within this�. Husk. I can�t bring you here because� because you deserve so much more.

And then, He tells me that I, too, deserve more. He tells me that I can�t be who and what I am supposed to be without welcoming Him into my life. He tells me that He within me will make me who I want Him to see.

So, My Father, my Husband, I say these words to you with all the emotion and pain and fear and wretchedness which is me.