So, I have done a lot of thinking, quite a bit of �soul searching� to use such a clich� phrase. I�ve been planning on writing a letter of apology to the ex � I�ll explain more about that when I get closer to actually writing it for real � and the thing that really struck me was the difference between us. I mean, we were quite similar in many ways, but when it�s all boiled down and such, we didn�t know each other, let alone ourselves.

You see, it has long been my opinion that people just shouldn�t get married before they�re at least thirty. Why? Because when I got married, I wasn�t yet thirty. Hell, I wasn�t even close. But I really thought I know who I was. I thought I knew what I wanted out of life.

I suppose, in a way, I did. But the things I wanted, they were ambiguous at best.

Bottom line?

Neither the ex nor I understood who we were inside. Because of that, neither of us knew what to project or how to act/behave. We didn�t understand who we were or why we had made the choices we made. That means we didn�t know who to project to the other. We were advertising what we thought the other person wanted to see.

I know now, at least at the core of me, who I am.

Okay, let me put it this way. Everyone (or at least, 99 % of you) knows the story of the Ugly Duckling. Both the ex and I had no idea who we were inside. We didn�t know if we were ducks or swans or turkeys or whatever. But, we projected ducks. We behaved as if we loved being ducks and were looking for ducks to be with.

As it turned out, neither one of us were ducks.

I personally think I was the swan and he was a turkey, but that could be a little residual bitterness. *grins*

For many people, once they hit about thirty years old, they grow into their adult brain. They realize who and what they are and slowly begin acting and behaving truthfully. I don�t mean that people are lying throughout their twenties or anything, but many people simply don�t know who or what they are.

If you don�t know who you are, how can you tell someone else who you are? How can you advertise yourself appropriately? How can you find a good match when neither of you know who the core is?

That�s why I think people shouldn�t get married before they�re at least 30. Unless, of course, they have the guidance of wise parents. The parent often knows who you are and can often (through the benefit of the adult brain) understand who the significant other is/will be.

I believe in match makers for this reason.

If you don�t know who you are, how can you promise forever to someone else? If you don�t know who you are, how can you tell someone else who you are? If someone else doesn�t know who they are, how can you contract �forever� with them?

Sure, people don�t change at the core of themselves, I can accept that at its most loose definition, but if you don�t know who the core of you is, how can you behave true to that core? How can you advertise the truth of you if you don�t know what that truth is?

I suppose this applies more to those from non-traditional families, for reasons too intense to dive into at this point. The gist� non-traditional families tend to leave out important parts of development. Little girls don�t get the proper foundation for self-worth when they don�t have a strong AND loving father.

Anyway, until a person knows who and what they are, truly, they can�t honestly commit to someone else. It�s made twice as bad when the other person doesn�t know who they truly are either.

My Mom knew the ex�s potential before engagement was even mentioned. She told me we were not a good match. I didn�t understand what that meant and I was determined to not die alone. *shrugs*

I have great potential. And now I actually know what to do with it. I was floundering previously and I didn�t know it. Nor did I know why things weren�t working the way I wanted them to. I didn�t know who I was at the core of me. How could I have understood anyone else.

Personally, I think that understanding others begins with understanding yourself. That�s been my experience.

I know this isn�t making a whole hell of a lot of sense, but I�m kinda rushing myself. I need to go to bed before 1 and I�ve got a movie I want to watch before bed.

I�ll probably spend more time on this in a future entry. For now, I�m taking off. Just know that in my not-so-humble opinion, folks shouldn�t get married until they know who they are at the core of them and that they shouldn�t marry until they also know who their intended is at the core. For most people, this understanding/awareness doesn�t happen until folks are in their thirties.

Life is a strange duck. And I�m not even a duck. No feathers here.