Well, it�s now 5am. This is not cool. I said, to Bryan, that yes, I actually did like working mornings. I liked being awake in the morning, for the first time in a long, long time. But this is getting a little excessive. About half an hour ago, I woke from my night�s sleep. *shakes her head* Not appropriate I went to bed at about 1:45a. You do the math. I�m still tired, I just can�t sleep right now.

Why? because of the dream I had as I was waking. I was waking due to the muscle cramp in my right leg. I am staying awake because in my dream, a friend of mine from childhood, was being abused, chased, harassed. And I was angry. I wanted to protect her. I wanted to reach out and pull her close and keep her safe from all harm.

Not because she is such a good friend, but because someone else I consider an excellent friend was very recently attacked and harmed and I am helpless to fix the problem for her.

This is why I would make a bad counselor/social worker. Not because I would do a bad job, but because I would get wrapped up in my clients� lives and get angry, frustrated and lose sleep to that impotent anger and frustration.

See, I recently talked to my friend who was attacked and I told her, meaning it, that I would find a way to get to where she is to be there with her, to spend a weekend there with her. And my unspoken reason was so that I could locate the man who attacked her and rip him limb from limb. Coldly, with extreme prejudice.

Why? and this is the real, real, real point...

Because no one did that for me and I am beginning to see that even though nearly 14 years have passed between the �night of doom� and now, I still hate him for what he did. Yes, him.

I have tried telling myself and many others that I bear no ill will toward him. That it�s over and done and we have lives to get on with. But there is a part of me, a small part, but a part nonetheless, that wants him to suffer, that wants him to be cringing and crawling and moaning in pain because I have decreed he should be in pain.

I don�t want my friend to look around her life in a decade and suddenly realize that she has been selling herself for the past decade. Not literally, but figuratively. selling herself for what? giving up the thing that was partially stolen by one male, in one night, in one brief time period, and why? because she (I) was giving herself a little ego boost, hoping that having a friend over would re-establish the crumbling ruins of confidence and self strength.

I am angry now, I am so very angry. But am I angry at the Neanderthal/motherfuckingassholecocksuckerfuckwitprick who abused my friend? I don�t think so. I think I�m transferring. I think that the core, the reason for the sleeplessness is because I didn�t know how to say no to Jonny, let alone that I could (was allowed to).

There most definitely is a part of me which is very angry at the fuckwitprick who would keep going after being told �no�. Very, very, very angry. But I think that the reason, the primary reason, I�m so very angry at him, is because I now know what to do, and I didn�t do anything when I was in the situation.

My own situation was so much more mild in comparison to my friend�s, so I think that there�s a little guilt mixed in there. Why should I be concentrating on myself and my own impotent rage, when my experience is 14 years old and just a case of kissing I didn�t want.

If I were going to give any advice to anyone: If you find yourself in a situation you don�t like or that you�re not comfortable in, say so, loudly. It�s okay to get angry when someone ignores your boundaries. Say this to yourself every day!: No one has the right to touch my body without my full permission!

It�s true. Whether it be just a simple brush against your shoulder, or someone forcing themselves upon you sexually, no one has the right to touch you in any way you don�t like. Even if there is a tiny part of your mind that doesn�t want the touch... it�s okay to say no. And if s/he doesn�t listen, it�s okay to say no very loudly. It�s okay to kick, thrash, bite, claw, punch, punch, punch, punch.......

*growls angrily*

And here we come full circle. I�m so angry because I didn�t know, because I simply didn�t know, at the age of 17, that it was okay for me to say no. I didn�t know that it was okay for me to say no loudly. I didn�t know it was okay for me to scream. I didn�t know it was okay for me to do anything I could possibly think of to get away from that motherfuckingcockwit.

It�s okay to call your mother/father/aunt/friend�s parents/ church minister/police/hospital staff/dock worker... anyone. Absolutely anyone. It�s okay to call them at 2 or 3 in the morning and say, in tears, voice and body shaking so hard you can�t breathe, that you�re freezing, you�re scared and you don�t know what to do and would someone, anyone, please help.

Fuck, I�m tearing up at that.

But I�m so very serious. It�s okay. It�s okay to say no. And if s/he doesn�t take no for an answer, it�s okay to scream no. It�s okay to flail and kick and fight and gouge and pummel. It�s okay to fight back. It�s really and honestly okay to fight back.

Many young women are taught from a very young age, that they should not fight against the will of a man, especially if he is providing her with something she needs. It is ingrained in the woman�s psyche, from a very young age, that the male is still and always will be someone to look up to instead of someone to consider an equal. That is a problem.

However, we are naturally inclined... habit? no, instinct? possibly, there�s just some in-born belief, no matter how a girl is raised, no matter what happens in her life, there is that natural instinct that says if she is with a man, that she should put his needs before her own. For some women that instinct is only about 20 seconds deep. For others it is so much a part of their psyche that it is a way of life.

Likewise, there are some men who have a similar inborn belief, that they should put her needs before their own.

up to and including the complete and total massacre of their boundaries.

women, I think, are more susceptible, but I don�t know and that�s beside the point.

The point is that even if you think that it�s more important for him/her to be happy than for you to be happy, or if you think it�s better for him/her to get their way, for whatever reason, it�s okay to say no. It�s okay to say no loudly. It�s okay to do whatever you have to in order to get away from someone who is violating your personal boundaries, whether you think you �let� them or not.

Guys and girls who are dating or potential perpetrators of 14 years of anguish and much confusion etc. When your date/victim/random person on the street says no, LISTEN TO THAT!!! No means No, fuckwitprick!

When I was with Jonny, I felt stupid and immature. I wanted to find out what kissing was like, but not with him. The first time he tried to kiss me, I evaded the problem by suggesting we go for a walk. I had already told him that I wanted to go home. I had already said that I didn�t want to stay out. I had already told him that I was late for curfew. He didn�t seem to care.

I SAID no and he didn�t listen. And I gave in, why? because I thought that since he was the man, his desires were more valuable than mine, more important, somehow that he had greater position/strength/something than I did. That he was more of a person than I was.

Girls, ask your fathers, ministers, the local policeman, some male in a position of authority (just humor me)... ask if it�s okay for you to say no if someone else wants you to do something you don�t want to do.

Ask him if it�s okay to say no loudly.

Ask him if it�s okay to cause damage in order to get away from someone who doesn�t want to let go or listen.

sometimes just hearing that it�s okay from a male voice is enough to effect the psyche and remove that little trigger that says a male is more important than a female. Every female has it. Some females have such a small portion of this male is better than female thing that they�ll never actually find it, like a single drop of water in comparison to the whole of the Pacific Ocean, but every female has it.

Some males have it, that thing that says a woman is better than a man/worth more/more important. You need to ask a woman in authority mother, policeman, friend�s mother, pastor, teacher, whatever.

Just hearing the authority figure say that it�s okay to say no. Then it�s okay to say no loudly. Then it�s okay to use physical force, screaming, kicking flailing, to get away: is enough to negate that little, tiny trigger in the psyche. Sometimes just hearing those things from an authority figure is enough to override the trigger where your personal space is concerned.

I tell you now, It�s okay to say no. It�s okay to say no loudly. It�s okay to use physical force to get out of the situation if they don�t listen.

It�s okay to put YOUR personal boundaries/space in a higher position than someone else�s.

And maybe that�s why my personal space is so precious to me now, hmmm? Because my personal space was invaded and it STILL bothers me 14 years later.

So, tonight I�m going to sleep the night through. I�m still very angry and raging internally.

For those who think that I�m bitching and whining about nothing, let me give you a little hint as to how seriously this little situation effected my life.

When I was 17, I was 6 feet tall. I weighed about 200 lb. Maybe a little less. (I have large bone structure, was quite muscular, naturally, I was about 15 lb. overweight. Yeah, can you imagine that? Me, I was height/weight proportionate!)

By my 18th birthday, Jonny had done his little grab-ass thing, attempting to get more than he wanted. It was at that time, August of 88, that I finally was able to override my own internal belief that Jonny had more value than I did, strictly because he was male.

Anyway, I said no, he didn�t listen. I said no loudly. He didn�t listen. I used physical force, he didn�t listen. I used more physical force including kneeing him in the balls twice, punching him, scratching him and finally jerking the door open and physically shoving him out of my apartment and halfway down the stairs. I locked the door afterward and I sank down on the floor of my apartment, crying, shaking and whimpering as I rocked myself back and forth for nearly 8 straight hours.

I didn�t have a room mate.

Regardless... after all that, I swallowed most of it, I swallowed the pain, the violation, the anguish and the rage, so much rage, so much anger at myself and him and my parents for not protecting me (they lived 65 miles south of me) anger and rage and fury with the church for not protecting me (they weren�t in my apartment, hello). I swallowed it all and inside six or seven months, I had gained nearly 150 lb.. I didn�t eat, I didn�t sleep well, I just sat there, going on automatic. Gained weight. How? I haven�t the foggiest idea, I didn�t even eat twice a day, but I gained weight. A lot of it.

And my weight fluctuated between 350 and 370 for about four years or so. Maybe six years.

I married Duncan and went through a similar situation because my psyche had chosen yet again to place him in a position of greater importance than me. his opinions and thoughts and desires were more important than mine. And I gained more weight, in the first six/eight months of our marriage I gained another 150 lb..

Since we have gotten divorced, I have dealt with and altered that little trigger in my psyche and I have gotten rid of 150 lb..

I�m now back at 350, maybe 340 or so now.

It is necessary for me to enter my psyche again and alter that little trigger again. I have to find some way to move on before I can get rid of the final 110 lb. or so that I want to shed.

You think a psychological/emotional rape doesn�t effect someone? Do you want the pictures?

No means no!