So, I've been thinking. Yes. Again. Scary, isn't it?

I subscribed to Eharmony last September. It was through Eharmony that I met Mr. Fixer. One of the things they do that is nice is provide the opportunity to ask questions before you've traded any identification information to potential matches. When you get to "open communication" you use their system to send Emails back and forth until you're comfortable enough to exchange personal contact info.

Well, when I got to the exchanging emails portion of the action sequence, I had a few questions that were "make it or break it" questions. I have refined those and would like to post them here.

Mostly, I'm posting them here because I'm fairly certain if I don't, I'll forget them. Heh. That's just how my brain works.

So, the Fatal Tiger's top ten dating questions.

1. Have you ever done jail time? If so, for what reason?

2. Have you ever been accused/suspected of child endangerment/abuse/molestation or any other form of misconduct against a child?

3. Do you use Tobasco?

4. Have you, or would you, wear footie pajamas after the age of twenty-five?

5. Are your biological parents still married to each other?

6. Do you have a job, and if so, do you enjoy it?

7. What is your primary love language? (How do you express love/affection to someone else? How do you know you are loved/appreciated?)

8. What is your stance on pre-marrital sex?

9. Do you have any mental imbalances and if so, are you taking medication?

10. What is your stance on traditional roles in marriage? (Do you believe the man should be the breadwinner, both should do so or does it matter?)

Okay, so those are the top ten questions of the moment. Some can change depending on what's going through my head, or what issues I've had to face. Mostly, though, they're the basics.

If I can get a satisfactory answer for each of those questions, the relationship can proceed.

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On a semi-related note, I've been thinking about Mr. Fixer quite a bit lately. I'm concerned for him. I'm also a bit confused still.

I accept that we've broken up. I accept that I'm not what he wants. I even accept that he doesn't want even a friendship with me. I would, however, like to know why.

I wonder if there was anything I could have done that would have made a difference. I mean, I truly believe that the break-up was one hundred percent his deal, but for my own reference, I'm curious about whether or not there was something specific I did that changed his mind.

See... not even a week before he broke up with me, he was telling me that he loved me. We were talking about our future. We were even talking about things we would do when he got his own shop.

I'd like to know why, or maybe how, we went from positive conversation about future marriage to breaking up.

I'm pretty sure I pissed him off pretty good, too. After the break up. It was my talk about the whole medication thing; the side effects of the meds.

Though I understand that I could very well have hurt him, emotionally, with my comments, I didn't think what I'd said was that bad. I mean, yeah, I was being a bit spiteful, but I was also being honest.

The side effects of the meds are things he'd been complaining about for nearly four months. The restlessness, the exhaustion, stuff like that.

I'm just... confused. What happened to change his mind? Was there something I did? Did someone else say something? Did I piss him off before he broke up with me? Was I too stoic? Was I too emotionally stable?

I know that I have a tendancy toward non-emotional behavior. I tend to think first and feel second. Yeah, yeah, I know, it doesn't look that way here in print, but this is the one place I feel secure enough to let some of my self-control slip.

Hell, there are only two people in the world who read this anymore. Well, two people if Mr. Fixer still reads this.

I don't know. I suppose I'm just over-thinking things again. As I said, I've accepted that it's over. I don't like it, but I've accepted it. He doesn't want me in his life anymore. Or, at least, not right now.

I keep thinking back on one of the things Bear said to me so frequently. "You're too good a woman for me. I don't want you to miss out on a good man because you're waiting for me."

I've heard similar sentiments from Mr. Fixer. Not the same, mind you, but similar. I've heard similar things from that Texas Boy (oh how he'd hate to know I called him that), too.

I know that I'm a good woman. I know that I have a whole hell of a lot to offer a mate. I know that I am a much better choice than a lot of women in this world, character and integrity wise.

But, I'm still single. I'm still extremely fat. I'm still unemployed. I'm still a fairly sedentary individual.

While there are a whole hell of a lot of positives, there are also some pretty big negatives. I know I'm not the perfect package. No one ever could be. Largely because people change. What you get at first might not be what you have when you're older.

I know I'm not any beautiful siren, I'm more the Valkyrie type. Well, okay, fat Valkyrie, but I'm far more Mae West than Angelina Jolie.

I suppose the bottom line is this:

While I know that things weren't perfect between Mr. Fixer and myself, and while I'm okay with the dissolution of our relationship and friendship, I'd really like to know why it went away. I'd like to know what happened, because I don't think there's anything I could have (or maybe "should" have) done differently.

I am the person I am. It is my belief that the best a person can hope for is that they'll meet someone who knows who and what they are; and that that person will be okay with that knowledge.

Okay, that was just too confusing.

Clarification:

I won't try to change who and what you are. Don't try to change who and what I am. Know who and what you are. Be happy with that. I'm doing my best to be happy with who and what I am. About ninty percent of the time I'm successful in that attempt.

Mr. Fixer, tell me what changed your mind. I'd like to know so that if I see that happening in a future relationship, I can do something about it before it blind-sides me.

And, I'm sorry I pissed you off. I hope you come out of your cave soon. You're too good a man to deprive those around you.

There is something tremendous God has planned for you. There has to be. Why else would the evil one be hounding you so much? Call out to Him and let Him carry you. He will fill all the empty places if you ask Him to. Call your heavenly Father, Mr. Fixer. He will never abandon you or foresake you. He promised!

Don't hide in your cave forever. The longer you hide, the harder it is to come out. I know whereof I speak.

You know the truth. Stand on it.