I think I pissed him off. That wasn't my intention, but I'm pretty sure that's what I did. I'm also fairly certain it won't be the last time I piss someone off. I've discovered that I have a talent for doing that. *chuckles lamely*

His comment - via Email - about the meds making him feel like shit but not dictating what he feels... that was in direct response to my posting the side-effects of Abilify. My speculation - and this is purely speculation - is that he thought I was blaming his breaking up with me on the meds. That's not what I was doing.

*thinks*

I don't know, maybe it was. But, I don't mean that if he hadn't been on meds we'd still be together. I do not, under any circumstances, believe that the medication was the deciding factor. I do, however, believe that the side effects of the meds are making his life more difficult. I believe that he is uncomfortable and frustrated and feeling uncontrolled because this thing that's supposed to be helping him live a better, more complete life is leaving him feeling antsy, tired, lethargic, restless and exhausted.

How can he possibly enjoy his life; how can he possibly feel fulfilled and successful when something that's supposed to help him is causing additional problems?

So, if I did piss you off (which I'm pretty sure I did), I'm sorry. I didn't mean to piss you off. I wanted to understand; I wanted to create a reason for you to say "no" to me. I wanted to find any excuse that was not my fault.

Logically I understand that it wasn't my fault; that there wasn't anything I could have done or been that would have changed things. That part of me that is emotion-based, however, still thinks (probably in some dysfunctional/co-dependant way) that there was something I could have done differently; something I could have said, been or thought that would have made us not be separate.

It's okay that we're not an item anymore. I don't like it, but it's okay. I learned a long, long, long time ago that things on this earth are temporary. Friendships, parents, pain, emotion, love, marriage, relationships... all of these things are temporary. I suppose that could be a text-book symptom of Abandonment Disorder, but since I haven't studied that yet, I'm not sure. What's more, I don't really care. I know that everyone has the right to make up their own mind. And, whether it's fatalistic or not, I do kind of expect other people to choose to go their own way.

I really do expect other folks to get tired of me really quickly.

=== Now, let me explain, or attempt to anyway. ===

I know that we broke up because you're listening to your gut. I agree with your choice. One of the worst things in the world - in my experience - is to ignore your gut and find out four years into a marriage that you're killing yourself for someone who doesn't much care about who and what you are. I am not saying that that would have happened between us, but I am saying that I have personal, positive experience with following what my gut says and being satisfied with the result. Every time I followed my gut, the end result was very positive.

Therefore, my dear Mr. Fixer, I fully support your decision to withdraw. I don't ever want to be a source of pain for you, not even a little bit. And, very, very honestly, if your gut tells you I'm not The One, then baby, go with your gut! That instinctual knowledge will serve you very well. Listen to it. Don't doubt it.

Also, keep in mind, my dear, that while I am even-keeled and sane and nice and not usually emotion-driven, there are times when I need to speak emotionally. I do that here in my diary. It is that place where I can vent my personal anger, frustration, irritation and sadness. It is that place where I can lie to myself at the beginning of an entry and discover the truth by the end of it.

I did not want to hurt or offend you. I did not honestly mean to say that you broke up with me because of the meds. I really didn't mean to come across as that bitchy and haughty. I could, very well, be that bitchy and haughty, but I didn't mean for you to bear the brunt of that.

What I really wanted to say, in regard to the meds, is that... *shakes her head*

It's your life, Mr. Fixer. You so don't need me telling you what to do or how to do it. I do hope you know that I never intended to be controlling; that I was attempting to be helpful and understanding (in regard to all those reminders and early-morning phone calls and stuff) and supportive. I was trying to be some one/thing that made your life more enjoyable.

---

Now, Yes, I do expect people to get tired of me pretty quickly. (I reiterate: I am not saying that Mr. Fixer 'got tired' of me!) It's that knowledge that things are temporary. I know that best friends come and go. I know that parents come and go. I know that the sun comes and goes. It's all part of the same cycle. Anyone expecting that life will remain the same is seriously deluding themselves. I mean, come on, how many of you faithful readers (the two of you who are still following this massacre of momentous, monolithic melodrama (gotta love the alliteration) ) are the same today as you were ten years ago? How many of you have the same friends, clothes, possessions etc?

Life, and everything physical in it, is temporary. So, if that is the case - and it is - why should I complain and wail and cry about a relationship that didn't last? I mean, yeah, it sucks that the relationship is over. It sucks that it ended the way it did. But, what was the end result of the relationship?

I had a boyfriend for three months. That was awesome. I got to do some serious huggin' and kissin'. That was great. I got to dive inside Mr. Fixer's mind and find out how very cool he is. That was such a tremendous blessing. I got back into the habit of doing daily Bible study. That definitely improved my life.

So, what do I have to be sorry about? He is leaving me in better condition than he found me. Hell, he loves camping and it's a long-standing rule that if you camp, you leave the site in better condition than you found it.

And, he's not called Mr. Fixer for nuthin'.

My relationship with him was very beneficial, positive and rewarding. How could I possibly, ever, regret that???

Personally, I would rather it weren't over yet, but I absolutely can not fault him for making the decision he did. I know that it was a hard decision. I know that HE knows he's giving up something truly special. But if it's not right, it's not right. I know that, too.

So, what's the bottom line here?

Mr. Fixer, I'm sorry I pissed you off. I shouldn't have done that. I should have paid more attention to the words I was using; to the emotions I was expressing. I thank you for giving me the opportunity to know you. Man, you have been such an incredible experience. You are definitely a part of my life that I will reflect on frequently and happily. You are a very good man, and I thank God for bringing you into my life.

I wish you every positive and glorious experience God chooses to lavish upon you. It is my sincere prayer that you find The One soon; very soon. I also hope that she isn't quite as wonderful as I am, but that's really just a pride thing. *grins sheepishly* I want you to have glory and joy and peace and contentment, my dear. I want you to have the desires of your heart.

You're awesome, Mr. Fixer. You really are!

If ever you need anything, you know to get in touch with me.

And remember to take your pills, eat properly, get enough sleep, go easy on the coffee and don't leave the candle burning if you're going to be leaving the house.