So, Mr. Fixer sent me another Email and I'm not sure how to respond. I don't even know if I'm supposed to, ya know? So, I'm going to post the reply here. If he chooses to read it, good. If he doesn't, then at least I didn't make a complete ass of myself by sending it to him personally.

No, I just made a complete ass of myself by posting it here for the entire world to read. Yeah, that's much better. *rolls her eyes*

Anyway, my reply to his Email:

Ya know, the funny thing is... and I was just thinking about this as I had my last cigarette of the night, in the dark, on the back porch, in the rain, that I don't feel heart broken.

I keep thinking that I should, ya know? But I don't. It's weird. What I really feel is a sense of loss mixed with a little confusion. Not about us romantically, but about where we go from here. I would really rather not have to sever all communication with you, but I don't want contact from me to irritate, sadden or depress you. I don't want to be a source of pain for you.

I think my emotional resiliance - as that's how I see this lack of depression or sorrow - is miraculous. I mean, shouldn't I feel depressed? Shouldn't I feel rejected and not good enough and stuff? But that's not how I feel.

I'm not explaining this well.

This:

The sadness and negative emotion I'm feeling has nothing to do with a romantic relationship. I'm okay with not marrying you. I just don't want to lose the friend I had.

Wow, as I tear up, I recognize that's hitting the nail on the head.

*thinks*

I do love you. I do want to spend a lot of time with you, diving into your mind and poking around inside there. I do want to have a special place inside your life where thoughts of me make you smile. .... I'm getting tangential again. Sorry.

While the romance part was a lot of fun, that's not the part I crave. It's not the part I want to hold on to. The part I don't want to lose is the best friend.

Am I allowed to talk to you still? Am I allowed to call and write and send you letters and stuff? Or is that not allowed? Would communication from me just cause problems for you? Would friendship be painful for you? Would being friends without sex/romance... would that be wrong?

That's my confusion.

I don't miss the idea of marriage, but I do miss being able to talk to you.

Okay, so I also miss the idea of fooling around, *grins* but that's mostly because you're good and the first person to ever make me feel that way. Emotionally, I don't feel a sense of loss. It's weird.

*shrugs*

Dunno, Mr. Fixer. I miss you, having you as my friend. You're still a good man. So there. Neener!

---

And this is the actual Email reply I sent:

I don't know if I'm "supposed" to reply or not. I don't know what protocol is here. So... keep your eye on the diary if you want to know what's going through my head. And let me know, in plain terms, if it's okay for me to communicate with you directly.

---

And see? That's the problem. I don't know if I'm allowed to talk to him. I don't know what protocol is. I don't know if I want to care about protocol. Hell, for that matter, I don't know much of anything at all.

These are the things I do know:

1) The man is someone I really enjoy. I like the way he thinks, the ideas that come to his mind, the conversations we've had, the ease and peace with which we communicate... I enjoy him as a person.

2) I thought the romance part was fun... a lot of fun... but the romance part of a relationship is not nearly as important to me as the true connection. Mr. Fixer and I had a real and true connection. We shared a sort of kinship - at least I thought so.

3) Sex and sexual situations aren't nearly as important to me as they seem to be to the rest of the world. While I think it would be nice to have positive and rewarding sexual experiences (with a husband), sex almost always gets in the way of the true emotions. When those little brain chemicals get swimming around, they can short-circuit common sense.

4) I really miss my best friend. And, I think it's my mother's fault that some twisted part of my brain tells me that the only way to have a best friend for real is to be married to them.

I don't know. I'm suddenly very very tired and it's 12:30 in the morning. I need to get some sleep so that I can get up in the morning, do my prayer and Bible study and then go get an espresso.

Okay, so the whole espresso thing isn't the important part, but still... *grins*

Mr. Fixer, I'm not crying or heart broken over the loss of a romance. I am, however, confused and concerned that I may have lost my best friend. I'd really rather not do that.

But... if it would cause you discomfort, apprehension, stress or pain, I would far rather not communicate with you. I don't want you to be in any kind of pain whatsoever.

Eh, I'm tired. I'm feeling good and somewhat bouncy... except for the carrots that made me physically ill...

OH, big news! I fixed the vacuum cleaner!!! Aren't you proud of me? I almost called you today to share that with you. I knew you'd understand.

I discovered that there IS a reset button, you just have to dismantle the handle of the vacuum in order to access it. *chuckles*

Isn't it amazing what happens when you read the instructions?

I hope you feel the happiness and contentment that are flowing through me. You really deserve to.