=====Part Six... read parts One, Two, Three, and Four and Part Five first.====

In February of 94, Duncan and I had sex. Twice. We still weren't married. We'd rescheduled the wedding for August, a month after he'd get back. That meant that he'd be out of the Navy. Which was my choice. I didn't want to be married to someone who was gone all the time. I knew he and I weren't married yet... and I really wanted to wait til we were married... but... he was gonna be gone and I thought maybe he wouldn't come back if he didn't have a reason to....

*shakes her head*

"Theres no time for us
There's no place for us
What is this thing that fills our dreams
and lets them slip away from us
who wants to live forever
who wants to live forever.... who dares to love forever... just touch my tears with your lips
touch my heart with your fingertips
and we can have forever
and we can love forever
forever is ours today..."

So... it was a long few months. I went to Spokane to stay with a friend for a week or two. And Duncan got released early, flew back to the States and got to visit me in Spokane... we had sex once there. But he was different. As was I. I"d started smoking. I started on March 1st, 94. Robyn's birthday.

I was cold once again. I was numb. I stuffed everything I felt. I shut down, shut off, didn't care. I didn't feel anything when he fucked me. I didn't feel anything when he looked at me. I was shut off. And I didn't wanna marry him anymore. I didn't want to be married. I didn't want to feel. I didn't want to think.

Once again, I was running on one cylinder, but still going as fast as I had been when running on four. And I demanded more of myself. A lot more. I kept a smile on my face. I kept up a front. I became Tiger. Strong and impenitrable on the outside... hollow on the inside. Nothing showed.

The wedding drew nearer. A rising sense of panic made itself known to me. I ignored it. I pressed on. Mom had sent out the invites. People responded. There were going to be just over 150 people there. Mom had already bought the dress. Everything was paid for already. I couldn't not go through with it. I couldn't spend all that money of hers and not get married. So... I went through with it.

I didn't have to like it... I just had to do it.

I remember walking down the aisle at the wedding. August 27th, 1994. Everything was beautiful. Everyone was so happy. I was terrified. My father looked so wonderful in his charcoal gray tux. He walked like a toy soldier... or rather, like a young boy at playing a soldier. Everything seemed to be so sureal to me. I didn't want to be there. I kept hoping that I'd wake up.

*shakes her head, closing her eyes for a moment*

I remember walking down that aisle... Terry (one of my friends from Cornish) was playing Trumpet Voluntary... then the processional. I looked at him... I'm sure I had terror in my eyes. I was shaking. I was so scared. But he smiled with pride in his own eyes. So, I swallowed the terror.... for a second. I made it to the altar where Duncan was waiting for me. He was so happy. And he looked so good. That charcoal gray, Christian Dior tux... the black boots... His blue eyes.

All I wanted was to get out of there.... to run away..... to never make the committment... to leave so I wouldn't have to see how much pain he was in.

I did love him.... I just...... didn't love him enough.

The ceremony started and I listend to every word the paster said. I stuffed the feelings and emotions... the fear, the terror, shoving them out of my mind, replacing them with the words the paster spoke.

I said the vows. And I meant them. I promised God I would do everything I could. That I couldn't back out of it now. I couldn't just leave. *closes her eyes again* He repeated the vows. We exchanged the rings. We kissed... deeply. That was the last deep kiss I ever got from him. It's the last deep kiss I"ve had to date.

"And you can't fight the tears that ain't comin
Or the moment of truth in your lies
when everything feels like the movies
yeah you bleed just to know you're alive
and I don't want the world to see me
cause I don't think that they'd understand
when everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am"

The party was wonderful. I didn't feel the fear anymore. I had made my bed and now I was to lie in it. I promised God that I would marry this man. I promised God that I would spend my life with him through better or worse. I promised God. Not Duncan. a promise to a person can be broken far easier and with far fewer repurcussions than a promise to God.

"And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am"

So... we didn't have a bad marriage to begin with... but there were some changes that took place in each of us. Duncan no longer needed me. He had me. He didn't adore me or "worship" me anymore. I totally withdrew. I hate not being useful. I hate not being needed. I really, really hate it. And I don't react well to it. But he didn't need me anymore. He had me. It was like he was paying attention to me only as long as I wasn't really and completely his.

He refused to go out anymore. That confused me. We'd gone out every night before we were married. We'd gone to sing karaoke every night that we dated... while he was gone, I'd gone out almost every night to sing karaoke. I drank pepsi. He'd have a beer or soda or something. I was well known at the karaoke places so they'd generally give me a drink then free refills. That was easy cause I just drank soda.

But... he wouldn't go out anymore. That was a bit of a shock to me. I mean... everynight then nothing. Remember folks... singing had been the one thing that refueled me at all. That nitro burn... I didn't get that with anything else in my life. Only with singing. I stagnated...

At first we didn't go because he didn't have enough money. I figured, five bucks was enough. I"d have a soda, he'd have a beer. He said he didn't want to be out without enough money in case he wanted something more than just a beer. So, I figured that was do-able. I didn't want him to feel uncomfortable.

He was my husband.

So, I got some money. I asked if we could go out... He didn't wanna go... too tired. I understood. Then he didn't have the fuel. I understood. Then he didn't have insurance on the car. I understood. Then... I stopped asking.

I went for a walk one day... or rather, started to. He stopped me, asking where I was going. I said I was going for a walk around the building... that I missed going to the park and walking along the water.

He said I shouldn't go. I asked why. He said he didn't want me to get hurt. I said I was just walking around the building... there wsn't much that could hurt me out there. Perhaps a stray squirrel... but I was pretty sure I could fend it off. He said what if I fell. I said I'd get up. He said he didn't want me to go alone. I said he could come with me. He didn't want to. He didn't want me to go.

I gave up.

I stuffed the feelings.

I sat in my chair, day after day, hour after hour. I didn't walk. I didn't drive as my car was broken and he wouldn't fix it. He didn't want me to drive anyway. There was no insurance on my car. I understood. He was my husband. My desires didn't matter, only his. If he was happy, that would mean I was happy... right?

That's not the attitude I held before we got married. Before we were hitched I had a fairly aggressive disposition... I wanted my life to be the way I liked it. IF he wanted me... he could conform to my life. He did. And we got married. And I stopped being a person of strength, and started being a person of ........ rather...... I started being a lump. I had no personality. I had no desire. I had no will. I merely sat in my chair and smoked. I watched TV... or rather. Had the TV on.

I didn't go to my friend's place just four doors down cause I didn't want to hear about it when I got home and wasn't there for one of Duncan's typical thrice-daily phone calls.

"You are the only one I want...
you are the only one I want...
you are the only one I want..."

When did I lose my back bone? When did I stop being a person and start being a pile of nothingness? When did I stop wanting? I never really wanted him tho. That's the majority of this problem. I didn't want him to begin with. I wanted Dan. I wanted Dan to want me. And I wanted my life to be more comfortable.

But it wasn't. And he didn't. And he wasn't.

*shakes her head*

The foolishness of youth, eh?

"my candyland melted into syrup as I watched the water roll down"

*sighs softly*

So... because I'm tired of this, and sure that I'm going to lose readers by the droves.... as if I had droves of readers.... I'm going to wrap this up. Put a final conclusion on this not-quite-concluded story....

I started waking up recently. That's due, in large part, to RP... where I learned that my methods of dealing with life weren't working. But the second reason I'm waking up is because of music. Especially recently.

Because I'm listening to so much music... really listening to it... Parts of my awareness are once again opening up. I can feel life stirring... it's within my reach... but I haven't yet been able to grasp it. I can feel it, you know? Just beyond my line of sight. It's out there. And it's getting closer.

To draw a comparison to a recent entry of mine... I feel a lot like that glass float. I've traveled all this way, using the cold water to numb my every thought and feeling... but I can feel the shore approaching... or rather, I can feel that I'm close to the shore. I can tell that, cause there's an undertow. And there's a lot of pressure building up.

I have to use all the previously stuffed emotion... the anger, fear, rage, pain, joy, happiness, glee... I have to use all of it to propell me forward over the surf which threatens to pull me back out into the ocean... I"m so close. I"m just not quite there yet. I will be. soon. but I'm not there yet. I can feel grains of sand in the water. Grians of sand which tell me I'm even closer to the shore than I had originally thought.

I know that once I get to the shore, there are more dangers and worries... I won't be on that mantel yet... but I'm a hell of a lot closer than I was 10 years ago. I'm a hell of a lot closer than 4 years ago. I can feel the sand.

And the music... it propells me forward. It tells me that there's someone out there looking for me. That there's someone who wants ME. Not just some female. Someone is looking for me. And not only do they want ME. But I want THEM. I don't want just a body. I don't want just anyone to put me on their mantel. I want to be held and caressed and cared for and cherished.... But I also want to love, hold, caress, care for and cherish HIM. Not just anyone. But HIM.

I"m close. And the music is pulling me ever closer.

Ever closer...

I'll never be left far behind again...

"You are the only one I want"