===Beginning our Playlist tonight... God Called In Sick Today: AFI -- Suggested by Flatline===

Greetings.

I'm kind of numb tonight. Or rather, right now. I've been listening to AFI and Dream Theater and have been sort of, breathing through the music and lyrics. I can't quite get the words right now. Thankfully, Flatline posted the lyrics to the AFI song for me. I really appreciate that. It really..... *shrugs slightly* Kinda makes me want to just sit back, light a candle or two and just veg. Just let the music pull me in and cradle me within it's passion. *smiles softly*

Wouldn't that be sort of anti-productive, tho?

===Now Playing Far Behind: CandleBox -- Suggested by Charles===

Sometimes music has a fairly negative effect. Just as the ocean does. They're coins in life. Two different sides, with two different pictures. Two different emotional pushes, so to speak. Sometimes music lifts me up so high. Sometimes it just drags me down, holding me down, keeping me safe and warm, but alone.

Not all music effects me that way. But certain songs have this incredible power, either to lift me up, to raise me to the upper reaches of joy, happiness and fulfillment... and then, sometimes a song as the power to drag me down so low. But, even when I'm low, I'm still safe. That's the thing with music. No matter what I'm feeling, no matter the emotions, thoughts, ideas and feelings... I'm safe.

it's like music will never turn on me. I suppose an analogy could be that the music can reach inside me and give me the strength and beauty of golden dragons, soaring in Mnementhine flight.

===Now Playing Iris: Goo Goo Dolls===

Songs like this one, Iris. I feel empowered, encouraged and lifted up... As if I were something special and powerful, loved and desired, but still having a long way to go before I reach the end. I don't want to be at the end yet, and this song gives me the sense that there's so much more waiting for me... and that (using the Dragon Rider's analogy again) tho I might be special and strong and valuable... like Ramoth... There is a mate out there, ... Mnementh, who wants to watch me in awe and protect me too. Not just sit back like a fan, but take part in what I do, what I am, how I live.

*frowns slightly* Does that make any sense at all or does this seem like some ludicris rambling from an idiot without a brain? *chuckles quietly*

There are many songs which empower me. And those songs fuel me. They give me hope and strength and courage, as if Mnementh were there to fly at my side, soaring, diving, whirling, dancing on the wind.

Then, there are songs which keep me bound to the earth, sometimes below ground, but not vulnerable... safe, secure, held tightly, coccooned in a loving embrace of notes, rests, trills, riffs....

It's an incredible mixture and I don't think there's really a way for me to accurately describe this. If you haven't felt it, I don't think you can understand it.

===Now Playing Low Man's Lyric: Metallica===

I talked with Bryan for a little bit this morning... online. We chat every few days or so. He's going to be visiting his best friend from College this next month. *chuckles* So, he was really excited about that. He's going to be in Dallas. So, I asked him about it, since I"m going to be visiting Dallas in March.

he said he couldn't really describe it to me, it was something I had to experience. *raises a brow, shrugging slightly* I don't know how I like the sound of that. BUT, he did say that a certain part of the D/FW area was his favorite, and that's where I'm going to be in March. *shrugs*

Dunno.

I know that I have to get my mind around the idea of being in the city. *chuckles* I've never been a city girl. Don't like them. They're busy, and loud and fast. And I'm not into that. I get an..... attitude when I'm in the city, and I don't like that attitude. I get this walking-with-my-shoulders-back-I-dare-ya kind of attitude.

Well... I don't know if that will be much of a problem. I know that the person I'll be going to Gulf War with will be nice to me and will protect me from the mean guys. *chuckles* But I'm still a scaredy cat. *chuckles* I feel like I did while in the hospital after my Mom said I was acting strong like Tiger... "I don't feel like Tiger.... I feel like a dust bunny."

*chuckles quietly*

===Now Playing Riveria Paradise: Stevie Ray Vaughan===

Isn't it interesting how I let my emotions dictate my actions so much of the time? I don't like thinking about that, cause I've always considered myself to be fairly analytically, rather than emotionally, driven. I hate that "typical female" thing where women go on and on and on about how their lives aren't going the way they want them to... and yet, as I look back over my entries, I've been doing almost nothing but bitching and complaining about my life and what's not going right.

*frowns* At least, that's the way it appears to me.

One of my biggest fears is that I'm going to get to Texas for this visit (I'm planning on roughly two weeks), meet my friend and discover that I'm not what they expected. And more, that I'm a dissapointment to them. The analytical side of my brain keeps telling me that they feel the same way... that I"ll get there and discover I don't really like them.

*chuckles quietly* And I guess I'm afraid that's true too. I have no problems with this person physically... but I've only seen one pic as they haven't yet sent another. But the mental is what really confuses me... Those typical fears when meeting someone face to face... "Are they going to turn out to be a psycho?"

What if I get there and this person is a good looking, great thinking person... I really enjoy their company, and then, as we're watching a movie, or just talking... they all of the sudden, leap up from the couch/chair/whatever, break into the Lambada and then start shifting into wolf form? I mean... how's a girl supposed to react to that? The wolf thing is something I can deal with... but the Lambada?

Or..... Horror of horrors... what if instead of the Lambada... they break into the macarena???? NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Please save me from that.

*chuckles quietly*

Alright, so maybe I've been role playing a little much lately. So what. At least I have a vivid imagination.

===Now Playing So Far I Have Not Found The Science: Soul Coughing -- Suggested by Luc===

Speaking of vivid imaginations... I was catching up on a little transfer work today and got caught up in a story that Punk Rock Femme is in the process of writing. I highly, highly, highly suggest that you read it. It starts here... Untitled Story, Chapter 1. I highly suggest that you read it. Book mark the page or something, but Punk Rock Femme has put a lot of work into it. The verb tenses need a bit of work as do the paragraph separations... but I especially liked chapter 9. I'm hoping she'll continue with it.

===Now Playing Circle: BHTatM -- Suggested by Charles===

If you want to read more poetry and stories from Punk Rock Femme and many, many, many others... extremely gifted poets, by all means go to the Poetry Board. I highly, highly recommend anything from Saelan, Jubei, Punk Rock Femme, HardKnox2112 and Anna. If you'd like to see more of their work, just go to the Poetry Site. As I said, I'm still in the process of doing the transfer work. I sort of dropped off the face of the earth as far as posting was concerned. And, moderating the board for that matter.

But, I highly recommend those places if you have any interest in poetry and short stories. Very, very, very talented writers. There are some who are rough, some who are really good. Just don't insult the people. AND, if you care to post on the board, you're more than welcome to post your poetry, BUT, and this is highly important, do NOT spam. If you're going to post more than three poems at a time, then post them in the same thread.

Have board ettiquite. Don't hog the board. If you post, it would be nice for you to read and comment on some of the other works up there. There are a lot of regulars, and a lot of new faces on that board, but it's been going for nearly two years. Possibly a little more than that.

===Now Playing Perfect Water: BOC -- Suggested by Charles===

Don't start a new thread just for a simple comment... if you're commenting on someone's work, then do so within the thread of the piece. If you have no idea what threads are... then look at the board and read through the works, read the comments and see how it's done.

The regs on that board tend to get a bit touchy when people come in and disrupt things. So be polite.

*just sits back to listen to the music for a moment*

===Now Playing It's My Life: Bon Jovi===

===Now Playing God Called In Sick Today: Social Distortion -- Suggested by Flatline===

===Now Playing The Flame: Cheap Trick===

I love this song. I have the single. I"ve listened to it a whole lot. It always makes me smile. The Flame was one of my nicknames from long ago. It was given me as a joke at summer camp I think. *chuckles* But, I love this song. So much.

I think it was at Camp TangleWood in Tacoma. But there was some dance or somethin... *shrugs* Hell... the memory is gone. I just don't remember how I got the name. But, it was one of my nicks for a while.

I just listen to this song and feel so.... at peace. So right. It's filled with that hyper-romantic, semi-melo-dramatic love BS... dedicating one's self to be the reason another chooses life. Just the stuff of every love ballad that ever was, right? *chuckles quietly*

You were the first, you'll be the last...

Wherever you go
I'll be with you
Whatever you want
I'll give it to you
Whenever you need someone
To lay your heart and head upon
Remember after the fire
after all the rain
I will be the flame
I will be the flame.

I love those lyrics. Dunno why I feel so.... childish... as if they were all bullshit but a nice dream anyway... probably because I was so young when I first heard this song. So young and stupid. Liking a guy who didn't care a rip about me. That's been my style.

*chuckles quietly*

I wonder why that is. I wonder why I've put myself in the position of being the one on the side. the one they guy talks to, the one the guy confides in..... always good enough to be the best friend. Never good enough to be the girlfriend.

Whatever you want
I'll give it to you
wherever you go
I'll be with you
and whatever you want
I'll give it to you...

Hmmmmm, interesting thoughts.

===Now Playing Techno Carmina Burana 6 meg: Carl Orff===

So, anyway... sorry bout that long-ass delay.

*looks at you* What? You didn't notice a delay? Oh, sorry, forgot about this writing media... I was gone for two hours. My Father got an 8mm camera and needed a little help getting it running. Hell, I understand the needing help thing. Frag, it's confusing to ME. *chuckles*

But, the battery is charging now and I'll play with it a little tomorrow and figure out how everything works. I set the thing up, inserting both batteries, setting the time/date stamp, setting the configuration will take a little longer, but it's something I'm really looking forward to. *grins* It's a way cool camera, folks.

But, the reason I bring that up is to talk about the differences between the generations and the stuff we have to do for our parents. The other day Uncle Bob was talking about having his son teach him how to use the tech 15 years in the future. *chuckles softly*

My Mom looked at me tonight, and said that she hoped I never got so old that I had to have my children explain how to program the VCR and such. *laughs* I figure it this way... someday my kid will come up to me and say, "WTF....... " He won't say the word "fuck" because he'll have more respect for his Mother (yeah, right)....... "WTF? You mean, dialing 26 different numbers to call Gramma is difficult? What's wrong with you?"

===Now Playing Techno Carmina Burana 4 meg: Carl Orff===

Then I can tell my child, "Hey... listen up, Back in MY day, we only had 7 numbers to dial in order to call anyone. Now that we've got inter-planetary phone service, thanks to MCIs 'Friends and Martian's Plan', it's a lot more difficult to talk to your grandmother back on earth."

*chuckles quietly* Okay, so we all know that if I'm bitching about moving out of state, there's no way I'd move off-planet... but still... Think about it, tho... our kids are going to be looking at us with all the frustration and humor that we look at our parents now.

I'm the resident "Electrical Expert" in this house. I have to switch the cable boxes when we get new ones, or when Mom decides she wants a different TV in the bedroom... *chuckles*

===Now Playing Memphisto: DePeche Mode===

I can't wait to see what marvels my children have to explain to me.

But, this camera is sweet. I'm thinkin Dad should invest in the double battery, cause the one he's got now, only lasts an hour and a half. Of course, it takes three hours to charge it. *chuckles quietly*

It's really sweet tho.

Anyway... I really don't have much else to say, my flow was sort of interrupted by going downstairs. But, it's all good. Dad's B-day is this weekend. He'll no longer be double my age. He'll be 61.

He's a real good example for me. Not of what to do, but of what to change about myself now. I don't want to be 61 years old, living in an apartment with STUFF everywhere. I want to be living in a house that my husband and I have either built ourselves, or have had built for us. I want to have our children visit us and be even more successful than we were. *smiles softly

===Now Playing Pull Me Under: Dream Theater -- Suggested by Charles===

Dunno if that's possible, but that's what I'm going for. During the entire time I was growing up, there was no planning for our future. We were in one of those churches that believed the end of the world would come before the end of the 70's. *chuckles softly* Seriously... WWCG was one of those groups that believed there was no reason to plan for the future because there wouldn't be one.

However, that's not the way God instructs us to live. He says Occupy until I come. *smiles softly* That sure as hell doesn't tell me to sit on my ass and wait. That tells me that I'm supposed to do my work, to get a job, to raise my children, to marry and live and breathe and soak up all that God has to offer me in this world/life. I so want to do that.

I look around me at those people I knew through the Youth group at church. There are so many who never got married. So many who are working stupid little jobs without any permanant focus. So many people, just like me, who are stuck because we were never taught to look forward, never taught to reach for a future, never taught to plan for a future.

*shrugs* Please, don't get me wrong here, I'm not blaming my religious background, nor am I blaming parents or church figures for my own failure. I know full well that it's my own failure, not someone else's. AND, I'm still alive, so it's not a complete failure, just........... I sort of feel as if I"ve been living with the pause button on. As if, from before I was 17, I just was put on hold.

I'm standing here, knowing that now I have to move forward and battling with fear, apprehension and nervousness about doing the undone, ya know? Not everyone who was raised in that church is stuck. But a lot of my contemporaries are. I'd estimate about 60 percent are fairly rudderless. We, as a whole, really did an injustice to what I know of God's Will. *chuckles*

Isn't that the way it goes, tho?

===Now Playing Original Prankster: Offspring -- Suggested by Sympatico===

We have 20/20 hindsight. *chuckles* So, now, I"m trying to push myself into moving forward. Into making legit plans for my future. Wanting to move forward and attain those dreams I had long ago, before I actually believed I was worthless.

*chuckles quietly*

I don't believe I"m worthless anymore. If you go back to the first entries in this diary... there are quite a few where I dwell on how worthless and useless I feel, or rather, felt. I don't feel that way anymore. I don't feel that way about being fat anymore either. I don't hate it anymore.

I don't like being fat, but I no longer feel inferior because of this weight. That's a new thing for me. I think part of it is due to a conversation I had with Charles a while back. We were talking about the things I want to change about myself.... about my weight. About how insignificant I felt.

===Now Playing Ball And Chain: Social Distortion -- Suggested by Flatline===

I had made some comment about how much I weighed, how much I used to, how much I'd lost and all... as if by saying that I"d already lost so many pounds, that would make me more valuable... or less worthless. *laughs* He said that he didn't care. He didn't ever want to hear me talk that way again cause it just didn't matter.

*laughs softly, smiling* I kinda did a double take at the words. reading them a few times on the screen. That meant a lot to me. Dunno if he'll ever realize how much... but it meant a lot to me. He's the only person who has put that in perspective for me.

I feel kinda like he solidified my own philosophy for me. It was really easy for me to say the past doesn't matter, the future doesn't matter... all that matters is what you're doing now. I really believe that, but I wasn't quite able to apply it to my life until that conversation with Charles.

.........

I just don't feel worthless anymore. And that's a wonderful, wonderful gift. I feel alive and bright and valuable. I feel like I'm only using about 4 pistons, but that I'm running clean again. And, soon, I'll be running at full power. I"m no longer burning myself out with the occassional bursts of Nitro.

I"m happy. I'm poor, and there's a lot more I'd like to have and do in my life, but...... I'm honestly and truly happy. *chuckles softly*

===Now Playing The Sentinel: Steve Porcaro===

And... James Ellison is still gorgeous. *smirks, winking* (that's the lead in the show the Sentinel)

===Now Playing Everything You Want: Verticle Horizon===

I am alive and well. I am getting healthy both mentally and physically. And I can breathe deeply and fill my lungs with music, for I need no oxygen if I have the music.

The notes which curl and wrap around me, brushing their tender caresses, filling the hollows...

I am alive.

And Happy.

*smiles softly*

Thank you for listening.