(this is part six in a series. If you don't read it from the beginning, it's not going to read as well.

part one -- part two -- part three -- part four -- part five... please read these in order.)

So, for the past 15 years� *thinks* Yes, 15 years, I have hidden from myself, the fact that I really and truly felt like a whore� that I believed I was a whore. Only I didn�t actually hide it well. I spent many years fully immersed in thoughts of self hatred, but I didn�t exactly know why.

The little point� that one little identifier had been buried, but the rest of it� uh uh. The fall out, I felt that. The rage, hatred, disgust and vile-ness� I felt that. The reason for feeling that? I�d forgotten.

So, because I felt vile and disgusting, I ate� I ate so that no one would find me attractive� so that I wouldn�t have to run the risk of providing sexual gratification in exchange for attention.

But, when I was married, that�s what I did. I had sex with my husband because I thought he would like me more.

*shakes her head* My mind isn�t really concentrating on this right now� I�m just not with it� I�m tired and it�s almost four in the morning again.

Long story short� if you�re interested in the back story� the nuances of that whole sexual power thing� read the rape and purgings entries. I know there are ten of them� it�s a hell of a lot to digest. Fuck, it was a lot to live through and it took a hell of a long time to write it. But it�s there.

I don�t want to be a whore. And I have been eating in order to make sure that I don�t get the chance to be a whore.

When I was married to Duncan, I weighed about 300 or so lbs. Maybe 350. During our marriage, I felt like a whore. I gave sex and blow jobs when I thought he wanted them so that he would stay with me, so that he would continue to love me� so that he would continue to give me attention. (and I gained almost 200 lbs.)

I hated that part of me and I didn�t remember why. So I ate. I ate to forget why. I ate to become less attractive to Duncan so that he would go away. So that I wouldn�t have to take responsibility for my behavior. So that I wouldn�t have to admit my own worth and so that I wouldn�t have to admit how completely I hated myself.

And I ate to suppress my need for power. Sexual power. My ex wasn�t into the BDSM scene and I didn�t know I was. I knew I had an interest, but I also knew he didn�t, and I wasn�t going to push him. So I ate to suppress my desire for power. I ate to force myself into a position where even if I had sexual power� even if the chance were present, I wouldn�t be able to do anything about it.

And now? I realize that I have eaten myself so fat that I have absolutely no desire for sex. I realize that I have eaten myself so unhealthy that even if I did have a desire for sex, I couldn�t do jack shit about it. I have eaten myself so fat that even though I have become mentally healthy once more, the habit is so ingrained that I eat to keep my hands busy� and I eat to make sure I don�t remember.

I have to remember. I have to remember and write it down. And I have to read it. And I have to understand� truly and completely understand� that I CAN say no. I CAN be equal just because of who and what I am� that my equality is not based on what I can do for/to someone else.

I am equal.

I am healthy.

I love who and what I am.

I am proud of what I have accomplished.

I am a good girl by choice, and no matter what size my body is, the inside remains good and wholesome and moral.

I am equal.