(this is part two in a series. If you don't read it from the beginning, it's not going to read as well. part one -- part two -- part three -- part four -- part five -- part six ... please read these in order.)



Why do I choose the foods I do?

Chips � They taste good.

When do I eat?

After I have worked out�

After a work out I eat� A big salad � mostly croutons, sunflower seeds, cheese and chicken� but the past few times, I�ve also gotten four-packs of pastries. And I�ve eaten all four in one sitting. Bear claws, or cheese Danish. What a way to sabotage a work out, hmm?

When watching TV I eat� Whatever snack food I can grab. Potato chips, popcorn, crackers, cheetos, pretzels, pint of ice cream.

What do I usually have as a prepared meal? A large (2 quart?) sauce pan of pasta with cheese, butter, sometimes sour cream, sometimes s�ghetti sauce, sometimes alfredo sauce�

Or

A fifth to a quarter of a pan of enchiladas (that equals about one and a half enchiladas) with lots of cheese and about four tablespoons of sour cream.

Or

Two bowls of dry cereal with milk (large bowls)

Or

A large steak (12 to 18 ounces)

Or

Two pizza pockets (lean pockets, type) And then ten minutes later, another two.

Or

Half a box (30 ct. total) of well-done baked fish sticks. (actually, if they�re well done, they taste a lot more like bread than fish.)

Or

A 9� pie pan, mounded, of tortilla chips and lots of cheese (nachos) with large amounts of sour cream

Lately, for about a year and a half, it�s been pasta, enchiladas or nachos.

Why do I choose these things? They�re quick and require a minimum of personal effort. They can always be prepared in stages.

What does hunger feel like for me? Or rather, what usually prompts the eating thing?

Usually, if it�s a prepared meal, there�s legit hunger involved. Sometimes, though, there is a need to eat� to have something in my mouth� to have something to do with my hands and mouth simultaneously.

Do I eat to keep things inside?

If so, why do I hold on to the weight?

I�m safe, safe from my own desires. If I were physically attractive to men, would I still be abstinent?

I�ve made a really big deal about being celibate by choice. I�ve spoken long and loud about how I don�t believe in pre-marital sex. And I don�t. But I had sex with Duncan before we were married. Even though I �knew� it was wrong.

If I were slender, would I still have the high morals I have now?

I think I just discovered the reason I�m still eating the way I do.

I like sexual power. I mean, I REALLY like sexual power. Evidenced by Jonny, by Duncan, by my six-month-long slut phase*, by my behavior in my first four years on the internet, by my interest in writing smut, by my (I�m still fighting this) need/desire to manipulate men (and women for that matter) with sexual innuendo, by my oral fixation.

==*Yeah, I don�t talk about that. I don�t believe I�ve ever written about it. Suffice it to say, there were only six men, and there was no intercourse, but�==

If I were slender, would I be able to refuse the temptation of sexual power?

---I�ve just lit my third cigarette in 15 minutes. I think I�m on to something here---

The act of sex doesn�t turn me on. It hasn�t ever turned me on. The power turns me on. Being able to manipulate a man with teasing promises� able to make a man lose all control of his will�

I�m afraid that if I was slender, I�d be a whore.

This is why I maintain my obesity. This is why I keep a filthy, messy room. This is why I smoke. And, this is why I stay in my room/house rather than being a part of any social group.