(this is part two in a series. If you don't read it from the beginning, it's not going to read as well. part one -- part two -- part three -- part four -- part five -- part six ... please read these in order.)



This is why I make myself as un-attractive as possible. This is why I don�t sing anymore.

(When I would sing, I would draw attention to myself. Males and females both were drawn to me� impressed by my voice. Men were attracted to me because of my voice.)

1. I�m afraid that my character is not as strong as I�d like to think.

2. I�m afraid I will become a whore

3. I�m afraid that people won�t like me just for me

4. I�m afraid no man will want me if I don�t put out.

I�m trying to think of someone I know who likes me, appreciates and respects me, for who and what I am without being swayed in the least by sex or voice.

The only person I can think of, outside of my family, is Charles.

---I don�t mean that as an insult and I�m NOT saying that everyone else likes me for what I can do to/for them---

But, out of everyone I consider to be the absolute closest/most trusted of friends, Charles is the only person I haven�t had some kind of power exchange with.

If I focus on that� realizing that it IS possible for me to spend two weeks in person and six years online with a man and always be his equal� it�s possible to have that with other people too.

Charles has always held me as his equal. He is smarter than I in many ways. He is stronger and more physically healthy. There are some obvious differences and there are some things at which I am better than he, but we are equal. He knows who and what I am and he respects me and appreciates me based on HIS maturity, not mine.

If I can focus on that, knowing what it feels like to be a true equal, I can use that as a motivation� as a road sign, so to speak.

I know what it feels like to be equal. Whether I�m fat or slender, slut or �good girl�, I know what it is to be equal. I know that it is possible for me to be moral regardless as to other temptations.

That�s what I should hold on to when I work out.

That�s what I should hold on to as I choose an orange instead of a donut.

That�s what I should hold on to as I take in my clothes, making them smaller.

Think of it this way:

Slender _______________________________________________Me_ Fat

Whore _______________________________________________Me_ Moral

I�ve always believed the two sets of extremes were bound together� that they went hand in hand. That I could be either slender and a whore, or fat and moral.

But that�s simply not true.

Slender _Me_______________________________________________ Fat

Whore _______________________________________________Me_ Moral

I can place myself on any point of either set.

So, I�m going from fat and moral by 15 years of sub conscious choice to slender and moral by conscious choice.

Okay, I�ve been writing this for almost four hours now. It�s almost four in the morning. I�m going to sleep now.

So, that was the entry. I want to expound on it though. The point of sexual power, specifically.